my so called --- angst...

letters to africa

2006-06-20T23:52:00.000+08:00

dear africa,

it's raining again... even in this world, it rains almost incessantly. if i were with you i wouldn't have to worry about rain, and you know how i hate it when it rains. tell me, dear friend... am i bound to drown in the rising tide? or will i swim out of this one?

i wish you didn't have to answer that... and maybe i shouldn't have asked at all.

today in history...

2006-04-11T17:16:00.000+08:00

April 15... the 105th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar (106th in leap years)

today in history:
1865 - Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot the previous evening by John Wilkes Booth

1923 - insulin first became generally available for use by diabetics

1955 - the first ever McDonald's restaurant opens in Des Plaines, Illinois

1983 - Tokyo Disneyland opens

1452 - Leonardo da Vinci is born

1959 - Emma Thompson, born

1990 - Emma Watson, born

separate compartments

2006-03-13T14:45:00.000+08:00

go ahead and cry now,
just give in to the madness...
the only way to feel your joy is first to feel your sadness.

go ahead and sail now,
just give in to the ocean...
the only way to tame your fear is to feel her rocky motion.

all of the hapiness you seek,
all of the joy for which you pray,
is closer than you think...
it's just a hundred tears away.

-- 100 tears away

chances are i'll see you
somewhere in my dreams tonight...
you'll be smiling like the night we met.

chances are i'll hold you
and i'll offer all i have...
you're the only one i can't forget.

baby, you're the best i've ever met...

-- chances are

when your day is long,
and the night...
and the night is yours alone.

when you think you've had enough
of this life...
hang on.

don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts...
sometimes.

-- everybody hurts

well, excuse me,
'cause i've mistaken you for somebody else...
somebody who gave a damn,
somebody more like myself...

-- foolish games

there's a secret path i follow
to a place no one could find...
where i meet my perfect someone
i've kept hidden in my mind...

well, my heart makes my decisions
'til my dream becomes a vision...
and the love i feel
makes him real, someday...

'cause i know he's out there somewhere
just beyond my reach...
though i've never really touched him
or ever heard him speak...
though we've never been together,
we've never been apart...
no, we've never met,
haven't found him yet...
but i know him by heart.

-- i know him by heart

sometimes, some people get me wrong
when it's something i've said or done...
sometimes, you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run...
but now i truly realize,
some people don't wanna compromise.
well, i saw them with my own eyes
spreading those lies...
well, i don't wanna live my life,
too many sleepless nights,
not mentioning the fights...

i'm walking away,
from the troubles in my life.
i'm walking away,
to find a better day.

-- walking away

if your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
i'll be the moon that shines on your path
the sun may blind your eyes,
i'll pray the skies above
for snow to fall on the sahara

if that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
i'll hold you up and be a way out
and if we burn our way,
i'll pray the skies above
for snow to fall on the sahara

-- snow on the sahara

i've been thinking...
i've been thinking, i've been thinking too much,
i just wanna live now for a little while
and cast my dreams to the wind.

don't wanna wonder...
don't wanna wonder what it's all about,
i'm just working for a living, singing with my friends
as i cast my dreams to the wind.

i wanna fly...
i wanna fly down the highway to my home away from home,
this funky, funky club on fairfax avenue,
and see you.

and i'll never give up,
because what is there to give up anyway?
i'm just workin' for a living, workin' for my pay...
in maryland it's raining somewhere in some cafe.

maryland i'm coming home,
never worry about what i did wrong...
and i'll never be what my daddy wanted me to be,
i'll never see what my mama's dreams were.

but, i can sing...

-- maryland

rut my word

2006-01-31T07:58:00.000+08:00

I have you in a rut…

And you have me coursing through literary articles…

The greatest of tidings should be remembered in the golden pages of history books as they should be in a commoner’s blog…
When I am happy, I often have none of the creativity in me to write…
Depression is my fuel…
Calm surrender is my literary poison…
How odd that these times of breathing in the morning air are left to the Earth’s memory alone…
For no journals have been kept…
No memoirs published…
You are at the point when there is actually none to complain about…
None to open the floodgates that keep you up nights orchestrating words into coherent sentences…
Come to think of it…
That’s actually a good thing…

letters to africa...

2006-01-17T13:27:00.000+08:00

dear africa,

it doesn't feel like christmas. not here, not now... not to me. with everything all perked up with color and twinkling lights, all i could think of is how i'd be able to escape my self-made prison. the cold yuletide air is an aid that i am thankful for... at least i'm not the only one who's cold. not for this season, that is. christmases were meant to be carefree... now, they're but the deep breath that preceeds a great plunge. i'd rather freeze in mid-air... than burn down south.

letters to africa...

2006-01-17T13:26:00.000+08:00

dear africa,

i ditched the music that was my friend... sometimes, a girl just needs a half. in my case, i need a whole lott'a set of halves. maybe that ought'a do the trick.

went to the mall with an old friend. just checked out a few things... and got ourselves checked out by people as well. not that we tried. and i, for one, am a natural stand-out in this black & white city. the mall was unusually crowded today... not that it ever wasn't, especially on a sunday afternoon... but, quite a number of people made cameos in the flashback that was your mall trip. and with all the other faceless people, you come to realize, what they say you are. though, it's only as far as it goes... still, the affirmation stands. i think to myself... they don't know me.

currency (the miniseries)

2005-11-30T08:18:00.000+08:00

exhibit d: christmas is everywhere... at the malls, offices, restaurants, people's houses, and most of all, in the air. so, what does the chilly yuletide breeze bring forth to wide-eyed lad such as myself? christmas ice cream special! i know, i know... not exactly your typical eggnog and cookies kind'a setting, eh? but hey, works for me! now, aside from Cold Rock, this ice cream flavor that i'm talkin' about is just absolutely wicked by definition... i've tagged it as "simply divine" because it's the type that can move you to tears. Nestle's Chocolate and Cherries brings the refreshing holiday breeze straight to your palate... not to sound like a promo or infomercial here, but, it really does. if you don't believe me, then try it yourself! they've done a wondrous treatment to the cherry flavor that it just bursts with life the moment your tongue makes contact. as the food alchemist that i am, i tossed in some kitkat (broken up into pieces) and topped it with chocolate syrup... you can just taste it, can't ya? well, what are you waiting for? grab a pint, now!

castaway rant...

2005-11-30T08:16:00.000+08:00

whoever said that "no man is an island" should be sent off TO an island... 'cause, what if you were? what if you didn't need anyone else's crap? what if all you'll ever need are books, cartoons, good fried chicken, and shopping money? okay... technically, you couldn't make those out of thin air. but, that wasn't my point. subtly put... what if i were never meant to share my bed? having been surrounded by all that quest for a particular someone to fulfill a particular purpose, i have only realized more that my current state is an anomaly. i have seen those who sought beauty... those of brawns... of profession and intellect... and there are those who've been blinded only by what they wanted to see. still, to be immersed in the qualms of soft selling and blatant bargains, i found my own heart steadfast and calm. looking back now, i cannot recall the reason why my heart was so angry... it may have healed it's own wounds. more so now, that i have peace with myself... forgiven as well as forgotten. this is the point when i can say that i am complete within myself, so i need not look unto others to complete me... in a non-platonic, romantic context, that is. for now, my journey bears only my own interest. i am the wind goes wherever my whim pleases... this independence, sweet surrender.

The Perfect BF...

2005-11-30T08:11:00.000+08:00

to be perfect, is to be the concept of ideal. the epitome of being... flawless, superior, paramount. perfect, is the benchmark that we derive favorable traits and or variables from. a principle that almost if not every person aims to achieve. and yet, it is said that none but God is perfect. man is not God. hence, man can not be perfect... perfect, an intangible composite of predefined variables deemed to be the pinnacle of state of being.so, have you seen him? my boyfriend... my perfect boyfriend.

i am he, the perfect boyfriend.

i can greet you with the perfect smile on our first encounter. i can be the perfect gentleman on our first date. i can get the bill each and every time we eat out. i can take you home everytime as well. i can kiss you good night on our first date. i can rush out in the middle of the night only to be with you. i can bring you flowers on our anniversary. i can cook you dinner too. i can win your friends in a second. i can satisfy your most earthly desires, and your friends would envy you. i can drop my life just to be at your side. i can say the right things at all the right times. i can spend my fortune just to be called romantic. i can sing our song to you before you sleep. i can fix, lift, and bring stuff in and out of the house. i can be your doctor, confidant, and companion. i can plan our future together. i can provide for all your needs and wants. i can promise to love you 'til time's end. i can make you believe in the power of love. and i can say as many things that i can think of that would be a perfect boyfriend's traits.

i can be the perfect boyfriend.

wait... i AM the perfect boyfriend. perfect, a concept, an ideal, intangible...

currency (a miniseries)

2005-11-30T08:08:00.000+08:00

just as there's a continuous wave of socio-economic-political issues hitting our country in spades, there's an almost equal, if not greater, quantity of things that keep my spirits up and make me look forward to a new day in this stolen life of mine...

exhibit a: the past weeks have been kind to me, and the yuletide atmosphere is a welcome spike in my punch... hence, i've gone ga-ga over christmas decors! for a whole week, i have done nothing but shop for home improvements and D-I-Y myself to exhaustion. try trimming a tree all by yourself and taking it all down (by yourself) about two days after because you have to add lights and flowers. what's more, try holding the upper detachable half of that trimmed tree vertically with your left hand while securing the base of that same tree with your right... hard to imagine, yes... but even more difficult to accomplish, believe me. that's my christmas spirit on steroids... unwavering.

exhibit b: being your own interior designer slash electrician slash janitor slash cable guy slash tech support guy all rolled up into one is no friggin' joke... so, after toiling under my own control freak tendencies, i know i can have my cake and eat it too... figuratively and literally. requests are usually guilt-free to make and easier to fulfil after doing something nice; such as house cleaning and reorganizing. so, my every whim is attended to... from tuna sandwiches to spaghetti, fruit juices, rice cakes, french fries, sweet desserts, pancakes, cereals, fried chicken, and ice cream, no food request comes short of being in excess when made after an evident "before and after" house makeover. and speaking of ice cream...

exhibit c: about a few months ago, my late night channel surfings introduced me to an amazing product, that it thrives to be divine decadence of my sweet tooth... cold rock ice cream!!! from what i can recall, with their current selection of ice cream flavors and mix-ins, it would take you about 50 years to sample every combination there is! (and that's just an estimate) good lord! the moment i saw that segment on the living asia channel, i wanted to get my ass back to manila and treat myself to that feast! i was disappointed, however, that they only had one branch open, and that was at the fort... okay, operative words being, "had" and "was"... not anymore they don't baby! i stumbled upon their newly opened branch in the holy grounds of greenbelt 3... and, man! was i excited! kind'a like bein' a kid in an ice cream parlor! (uhm, duh? like, that ain't the case already) so, after purchasing my movie tickets, i waltzed right into the place (no kiddin'... i actually "waltzed"... you should'a seen me) and sampled my taste buds to what would be my reason for living for quite a long time... melodramatic just for ice cream, huh? well... it's my thing.

divinations for a dear friend...

2005-11-30T08:03:00.000+08:00

in this life, i know not much...
for i, too am still learning...
but, i have known you for many years, my friend...
and that is something i know i can indulge on...
talks and drinks, we may not have had much together, you and i...
but, i see that is now irrelevant...
for to say that you are a jolly good fellow, need not be molded by countless hours and liquor...
only, they will have been born of a moment in your company...
now, you have traversed a road less traveled for us, your brethren...
and to venture earlier than the sun greets the flower, we offer our hopes...
none of life's journeys are ever easy, much less, undaunting...
but, see where you are now and how much you've grown...
you've come a long way my friend, since we first met...
bear with you no fear, only honesty and love...
the only things you need to know are already known to you, just listen to what your heart says, and life will mean anew.

romantic heroes...

2005-10-29T16:30:00.000+08:00

"i guess the perfect guy would be…
he’s someone who could…
he could be anywhere in the world, but he chooses to be with her, because…
life is better with her by his side…
what do you think? did i pass the test?"

mr. and mrs. plate...

2005-10-29T16:25:00.000+08:00

"some things are true whether you believe in them or not..."

"i don't believe you... you feel that?!"

"i'm not afraid. when they ask me what i like the best, i'll tell them it was you."

moving pictures and written words...

2005-10-29T16:15:00.000+08:00

i'm there again..
that phase when i watch movies...
cry at their sad parts...
quote the characters...

and put 'em here...

hehehe!

just saw "City of Angels" yesterday afternoon... (on cable)
then "The Perfect Man" last night... (DVD)
and "My Sassy Girl" just a while ago... (DVD)

so...
bring on the quotes...

of Gyeong Woo's...

2005-10-29T15:54:00.000+08:00

just saw "My Sassy Girl" (movie)...
and loved it... like, capital "L" for LoveDDDD...
if there were more movies like this one,

then i'd probably have more of a reason to not go out of the house anymore...
i'd be stuck at home...
in front of the television...
with a big box of Kleenex by my side...

(and a whole mess of crumpled tissues around me)

i found myself laughing and giggling 'cause of their new found relationship...
but...
that part in the restaurant with her blind date...

just brought me to tears faster than Japan's bullet train...
i was crying and shivering before i even knew it...
for those that have already seen it...
here's that (subtitled) part...

i have a good memory.
i’ll recite them…
first, don’t ask her to be feminine.
and…
second, don’t let her drink over three glasses…

she’ll beat someone.
at a café, drink coffee instead of coke or juice.
if she hits you, act like it hurts…

if it hurts, act like it doesn’t.
on your 100th day together, give her a rose during her class…

she’ll like it a lot.
make sure you learn fencing and squash.
also, be prepared to go to prison sometimes.
if she says she’ll kill you, don’t take it lightly…

you’ll feel better.
if her feet hurts, exchange shoes with her.
and finally, she likes to write…

encourage her.

my own "synopsis"...

2005-10-29T15:23:00.000+08:00

i used to cry over guys...
but now...
i only reserve my tears for good movies.

~ jason

Stand Up For Love (music video)

2005-10-27T08:18:00.000+08:00

Song of The Week

2005-10-26T16:56:00.000+08:00

this is my song of the week...
my media player's been roarin' with three outstanding women as they perform the
2005 World Children's Day Anthem, "Stand Up For Love"...
also a cut from their final collaborative album, "#1's", this song delivers so much sense and meaning that i decided to post the lyrics as well...
i would'a added the video... but, i've yet to find a way to display it here... (*epiphany*)
so, here's Beyonce, Kelly, and Michelle... holdin' hands, hopin' for a brighter future for children the world over...
Destiny's Child with "Stand Up For Love"...

"Stand Up For Love"
(video edit)

[Beyonce]
There are times,
I find it hard to sleep at night
We are living through such troubled times
And every child that reaches out
For someone to hold
For one moment,
They become my own

And how can I pretend that I don’t know
What’s going on?
When every second
And every minute
Another soul is gone

And I believe that in my life
I will see (oh yeah)
And in to hopelessness
Or giving up
Or suffering (yeah)

Then we all stand together this one time
Then no one will get left behind
Stand up
For life
Stand up
For love

[Kelly]
I’m inspired
And hopeful
Each and everyday
That’s how I know
That things are gonna change

So how can I pretend that I don’t know
What’s going on?
When every second
With every minute
Another soul is gone

And I believe that in my life
I will see (I will see, yeah)
And in to hopelessness (hopelessness)
Of giving up (giving up)
Of suffering (suffering, yeah)

If we all stand (stand)
Together this one time (time)
Then no one will get left behind
And stand up for life (life)
Stand up
For love

[Michelle]
And it all starts right here
And it starts right now
One person stands up man!
And the rest will follow
For all the forgotten
For all the Unloved

I’m gonna sing this song (song)

And I believe
That in my life
I will see, yes
And in to hopelessness
Of giving up
Of suffering

[Chorus]
If we all stand together this one time
Then no one will get left behind

Stand up
For life

Stand up
And sing, yeah

Stand up
For love

For love
For love

escape artist apprentice...

2005-10-22T02:03:00.000+08:00

have you ever woken up from a dream state where everything was moving at a gradual pace, (and it was all peaceful, and just the way you liked it) only to be overwhelmed by the animated reality of your dark room? it may s0und like a mouthful, but it's very unpleasant... i am a troubled soul nowadays. and my conscience is a steadily growing nag that jumpstarts my monochromatic living here... once again, toxicity has reached critical levels.

i need an escape!

wild and running...

2005-10-22T01:54:00.000+08:00

this freedom that you enjoy so much and hold dear... how long will it last? certainly not forever... because, as they say, nothing is meant to last forever. yet... another question imposes itself. when this freedom ends... what becomes of you? do i settle down? will i be tamed? will i be spoken for? attached? committed? will my caretaker be pleased? moreover, do i even have a pre-destined caretaker?

so many questions... none of which seem optimistic in terms.

what does your future hold? yet another inquiry... it is yet to end. your life has just been so full of questions... which are yours? now, here's one... what's wrong with me? maybe nothing is. maybe you're just not the marrying type, just like you once perceived of yourself. maybe you're singled out.

then comes miss Bradshaw...

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with."

only thing is...

maybe i don't want someone to run with.

magmamahal muli...

2005-10-22T01:30:00.000+08:00

okay... this self-confessed Pinoy Big Brother fan just can't help but post this wonderful collaborative song by the Pinoy Housemates...
(am such a sap for these songs)

MAGMAMAHAL MULI

umaasang magmamahal muli
ang buong akala ko'y s'ya na
kabiguan ang napala,
paghilom ng puso'y hindi madali
ang malamang mahal mo'y
walang pag-ibig sa'yo

ang umasang magmahal muli
s'yang magagawa
huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
ito'y darating sa'yo

aking naranasan... ohhh
ang pagluha tulad ng sa ulan

ang umasang magmahal muli
s'yang magagawa
huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
ito'y darating sa'yo

ang umasang magmahal muli
s'yang magagawa
huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
ito'y darating, ito'y darating...
'to'y darating sa'yo

ohhh... ito'y darating sa'yo

poems go Nth...

2005-10-22T01:17:00.000+08:00

if you thought Augiries of Innocence was long...
try this one for size...
The Rime of The Ancient Mariner...

an excerpt from this poem was read by Diana of Themyscira (a.k.a. Wonder Woman) in Justice League Unlimited's 3rd season episode, To Another Shore...

poems of length do dwell in my ponderings these days...
they rock!

the rime of the ancient mariner

2005-10-22T00:57:00.000+08:00

IT is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
'By thy long beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

The Bridegroom's doors are opened wide,
And I am next of kin;
The guests are met, the feast is set:
May'st hear the merry din.'

He holds him with his skinny hand,
'There was a ship,' quoth he.
'Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!'
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.

He holds him with his glittering eye—
The Wedding-Guest stood still,
And listens like a three years' child:
The Mariner hath his will.

The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone:
He cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

'The ship was cheer'd, the harbour clear'd,
Merrily did we drop
Below the kirk, below the hill,
Below the lighthouse top.

The Sun came up upon the left,
Out of the sea came he!
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down into the sea.

Higher and higher every day,
Till over the mast at noon——'
The Wedding-Guest here beat his breast,
For he heard the loud bassoon.

The bride hath paced into the hall,
Red as a rose is she;
Nodding their heads before her goes
The merry minstrelsy.

The Wedding-Guest he beat his breast,
Yet he cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

'And now the Storm-blast came, and he
Was tyrannous and strong:
He struck with his o'ertaking wings,
And chased us south along.

With sloping masts and dipping prow,
As who pursued with yell and blow
Still treads the shadow of his foe,
And forward bends his head,
The ship drove fast, loud roar'd the blast,
The southward aye we fled.

And now there came both mist and snow,
And it grew wondrous cold:
And ice, mast-high, came floating by,
As green as emerald.

And through the drifts the snowy clifts
Did send a dismal sheen:
Nor shapes of men nor beasts we ken—
The ice was all between.

The ice was here, the ice was there,
The ice was all around:
It crack'd and growl'd, and roar'd and howl'd,
Like noises in a swound!

At length did cross an Albatross,
Thorough the fog it came;
As if it had been a Christian soul,
We hail'd it in God's name.

It ate the food it ne'er had eat,
And round and round it flew.
The ice did split with a thunder-fit;
The helmsman steer'd us through!

And a good south wind sprung up behind;
The Albatross did follow,
And every day, for food or play,
Came to the mariners' hollo!

In mist or cloud, on mast or shroud,
It perch'd for vespers nine;
Whiles all the night, through fog-smoke white,
Glimmer'd the white moonshine.'

'God save thee, ancient Mariner!
From the fiends, that plague thee thus!—
Why look'st thou so?'—'With my crossbow
I shot the Albatross.

PART II
'The Sun now rose upon the right:
Out of the sea came he,
Still hid in mist, and on the left
Went down into the sea.

And the good south wind still blew behind,
But no sweet bird did follow,
Nor any day for food or play
Came to the mariners' hollo!

And I had done an hellish thing,
And it would work 'em woe:
For all averr'd, I had kill'd the bird
That made the breeze to blow.
Ah wretch! said they, the bird to slay,
That made the breeze to blow!

Nor dim nor red, like God's own head,
The glorious Sun uprist:
Then all averr'd, I had kill'd the bird
That brought the fog and mist.
'Twas right, said they, such birds to slay,
That bring the fog and mist.

The fair breeze blew, the white foam flew,
The furrow follow'd free;
We were the first that ever burst
Into that silent sea.

Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down,
'Twas sad as sad could be;
And we did speak only to break
The silence of the sea!

All in a hot and copper sky,
The bloody Sun, at noon,
Right up above the mast did stand,
No bigger than the Moon.

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink.

The very deep did rot: O Christ!
That ever this should be!
Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea.

About, about, in reel and rout
The death-fires danced at night;
The water, like a witch's oils,
Burnt green, and blue, and white.

And some in dreams assuréd were
Of the Spirit that plagued us so;
Nine fathom deep he had followed us
From the land of mist and snow.

And every tongue, through utter drought,
Was wither'd at the root;
We could not speak, no more than if
We had been choked with soot.

Ah! well a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.

PART III
'There passed a weary time. Each throat
Was parch'd, and glazed each eye.
A weary time! a weary time!
How glazed each weary eye!
When looking westward, I beheld
A something in the sky.

At first it seem'd a little speck,
And then it seem'd a mist;
It moved and moved, and took at last
A certain shape, I wist.

A speck, a mist, a shape, I wist!
And still it near'd and near'd:
As if it dodged a water-sprite,
It plunged, and tack'd, and veer'd.

With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
We could nor laugh nor wail;
Through utter drought all dumb we stood!
I bit my arm, I suck'd the blood,
And cried, A sail! a sail!

With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
Agape they heard me call:
Gramercy! they for joy did grin,
And all at once their breath drew in,
As they were drinking all.

See! see! (I cried) she tacks no more!
Hither to work us weal—
Without a breeze, without a tide,
She steadies with upright keel!

The western wave was all aflame,
The day was wellnigh done!
Almost upon the western wave
Rested the broad, bright Sun;
When that strange shape drove suddenly
Betwixt us and the Sun.

And straight the Sun was fleck'd with bars
(Heaven's Mother send us grace!),
As if through a dungeon-grate he peer'd
With broad and burning face.

Alas! (thought I, and my heart beat loud)
How fast she nears and nears!
Are those her sails that glance in the Sun,
Like restless gossameres?

Are those her ribs through which the Sun
Did peer, as through a grate?
And is that Woman all her crew?
Is that a Death? and are there two?
Is Death that Woman's mate?

Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold:
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Nightmare Life-in-Death was she,
Who thicks man's blood with cold.

The naked hulk alongside came,
And the twain were casting dice;
"The game is done! I've won! I've won!"
Quoth she, and whistles thrice.

The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out:
At one stride comes the dark;
With far-heard whisper, o'er the sea,
Off shot the spectre-bark.

We listen'd and look'd sideways up!
Fear at my heart, as at a cup,
My life-blood seem'd to sip!
The stars were dim, and thick the night,
The steersman's face by his lamp gleam'd white;
From the sails the dew did drip—
Till clomb above the eastern bar
The hornéd Moon, with one bright star
Within the nether tip.

One after one, by the star-dogg'd Moon,
Too quick for groan or sigh,
Each turn'd his face with a ghastly pang,
And cursed me with his eye.

Four times fifty living men
(And I heard nor sigh nor groan),
With heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
They dropp'd down one by one.

The souls did from their bodies fly—
They fled to bliss or woe!
And every soul, it pass'd me by
Like the whizz of my crossbow!'

PART IV
'I fear thee, ancient Mariner!
I fear thy skinny hand!
And thou art long, and lank, and brown,
As is the ribb'd sea-sand.

I fear thee and thy glittering eye,
And thy skinny hand so brown.'—
'Fear not, fear not, thou Wedding-Guest!
This body dropt not down.

Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide, wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony.

The many men, so beautiful!
And they all dead did lie:
And a thousand thousand slimy things
Lived on; and so did I.

I look'd upon the rotting sea,
And drew my eyes away;
I look'd upon the rotting deck,
And there the dead men lay.

I look'd to heaven, and tried to pray;
But or ever a prayer had gusht,
A wicked whisper came, and made
My heart as dry as dust.

I closed my lids, and kept them close,
And the balls like pulses beat;
For the sky and the sea, and the sea and the sky,
Lay like a load on my weary eye,
And the dead were at my feet.

The cold sweat melted from their limbs,
Nor rot nor reek did they:
The look with which they look'd on me
Had never pass'd away.

An orphan's curse would drag to hell
A spirit from on high;
But oh! more horrible than that
Is the curse in a dead man's eye!
Seven days, seven nights, I saw that curse,
And yet I could not die.

The moving Moon went up the sky,
And nowhere did abide;
Softly she was going up,
And a star or two beside—

Her beams bemock'd the sultry main,
Like April hoar-frost spread;
But where the ship's huge shadow lay,
The charméd water burnt alway
A still and awful red.

Beyond the shadow of the ship,
I watch'd the water-snakes:
They moved in tracks of shining white,
And when they rear'd, the elfish light
Fell off in hoary flakes.

Within the shadow of the ship
I watch'd their rich attire:
Blue, glossy green, and velvet black,
They coil'd and swam; and every track
Was a flash of golden fire.

O happy living things! no tongue
Their beauty might declare:
A spring of love gush'd from my heart,
And I bless'd them unaware:
Sure my kind saint took pity on me,
And I bless'd them unaware.

The selfsame moment I could pray;
And from my neck so free
The Albatross fell off, and sank
Like lead into the sea.

PART V
'O sleep! it is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole!
To Mary Queen the praise be given!
She sent the gentle sleep from Heaven,
That slid into my soul.

The silly buckets on the deck,
That had so long remain'd,
I dreamt that they were fill'd with dew;
And when I awoke, it rain'd.

My lips were wet, my throat was cold,
My garments all were dank;
Sure I had drunken in my dreams,
And still my body drank.

I moved, and could not feel my limbs:
I was so light—almost
I thought that I had died in sleep,
And was a blesséd ghost.

And soon I heard a roaring wind:
It did not come anear;
But with its sound it shook the sails,
That were so thin and sere.

The upper air burst into life;
And a hundred fire-flags sheen;
To and fro they were hurried about!
And to and fro, and in and out,
The wan stars danced between.

And the coming wind did roar more loud,
And the sails did sigh like sedge;
And the rain pour'd down from one black cloud;
The Moon was at its edge.

The thick black cloud was cleft, and still
The Moon was at its side;
Like waters shot from some high crag,
The lightning fell with never a jag,
A river steep and wide.

The loud wind never reach'd the ship,
Yet now the ship moved on!
Beneath the lightning and the Moon
The dead men gave a groan.

They groan'd, they stirr'd, they all uprose,
Nor spake, nor moved their eyes;
It had been strange, even in a dream,
To have seen those dead men rise.

The helmsman steer'd, the ship moved on;
Yet never a breeze up-blew;
The mariners all 'gan work the ropes,
Where they were wont to do;
They raised their limbs like lifeless tools—
We were a ghastly crew.

The body of my brother's son
Stood by me, knee to knee:
The body and I pull'd at one rope,
But he said naught to me.'

'I fear thee, ancient Mariner!'
Be calm, thou Wedding-Guest:
'Twas not those souls that fled in pain,
Which to their corses came again,
But a troop of spirits blest:

For when it dawn'd—they dropp'd their arms,
And cluster'd round the mast;
Sweet sounds rose slowly through their mouths,
And from their bodies pass'd.

Around, around, flew each sweet sound,
Then darted to the Sun;
Slowly the sounds came back again,
Now mix'd, now one by one.

Sometimes a-dropping from the sky
I heard the skylark sing;
Sometimes all little birds that are,
How they seem'd to fill the sea and air
With their sweet jargoning!

And now 'twas like all instruments,
Now like a lonely flute;
And now it is an angel's song,
That makes the Heavens be mute.

It ceased; yet still the sails made on
A pleasant noise till noon,
A noise like of a hidden brook
In the leafy month of June,
That to the sleeping woods all night
Singeth a quiet tune.

Till noon we quietly sail'd on,
Yet never a breeze did breathe:
Slowly and smoothly went the ship,
Moved onward from beneath.

Under the keel nine fathom deep,
From the land of mist and snow,
The Spirit slid: and it was he
That made the ship to go.
The sails at noon left off their tune,
And the ship stood still also.

The Sun, right up above the mast,
Had fix'd her to the ocean:
But in a minute she 'gan stir,
With a short uneasy motion—
Backwards and forwards half her length
With a short uneasy motion.

Then like a pawing horse let go,
She made a sudden bound:
It flung the blood into my head,
And I fell down in a swound.

How long in that same fit I lay,
I have not to declare;
But ere my living life return'd,
I heard, and in my soul discern'd
Two voices in the air.

"Is it he?" quoth one, "is this the man?
By Him who died on cross,
With his cruel bow he laid full low
The harmless Albatross.

The Spirit who bideth by himself
In the land of mist and snow,
He loved the bird that loved the man
Who shot him with his bow."

The other was a softer voice,
As soft as honey-dew:
Quoth he, "The man hath penance done,
And penance more will do."

PART VI
First Voice: '"But tell me, tell me! speak again,
Thy soft response renewing—
What makes that ship drive on so fast?
What is the Ocean doing?"

Second Voice: "Still as a slave before his lord,
The Ocean hath no blast;
His great bright eye most silently
Up to the Moon is cast—

If he may know which way to go;
For she guides him smooth or grim.
See, brother, see! how graciously
She looketh down on him."

First Voice: "But why drives on that ship so fast,
Without or wave or wind?"

Second Voice: "The air is cut away before,
And closes from behind.

Fly, brother, fly! more high, more high!
Or we shall be belated:
For slow and slow that ship will go,
When the Mariner's trance is abated.'

I woke, and we were sailing on
As in a gentle weather:
'Twas night, calm night, the Moon was high;
The dead men stood together.

All stood together on the deck,
For a charnel-dungeon fitter:
All fix'd on me their stony eyes,
That in the Moon did glitter.

The pang, the curse, with which they died,
Had never pass'd away:
I could not draw my eyes from theirs,
Nor turn them up to pray.

And now this spell was snapt: once more
I viewed the ocean green,
And look'd far forth, yet little saw
Of what had else been seen—

Like one that on a lonesome road
Doth walk in fear and dread,
And having once turn'd round, walks on,
And turns no more his head;
Because he knows a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread.

But soon there breathed a wind on me,
Nor sound nor motion made:
Its path was not upon the sea,
In ripple or in shade.

It raised my hair, it fann'd my cheek
Like a meadow-gale of spring—
It mingled strangely with my fears,
Yet it felt like a welcoming.

Swiftly, swiftly flew the ship,
Yet she sail'd softly too:
Sweetly, sweetly blew the breeze—
On me alone it blew.

O dream of joy! is this indeed
The lighthouse top I see?
Is this the hill? is this the kirk?
Is this mine own countree?

We drifted o'er the harbour-bar,
And I with sobs did pray—
O let me be awake, my God!
Or let me sleep alway.

The harbour-bay was clear as glass,
So smoothly it was strewn!
And on the bay the moonlight lay,
And the shadow of the Moon.

The rock shone bright, the kirk no less
That stands above the rock:
The moonlight steep'd in silentness
The steady weathercock.

And the bay was white with silent light
Till rising from the same,
Full many shapes, that shadows were,
In crimson colours came.

A little distance from the prow
Those crimson shadows were:
I turn'd my eyes upon the deck—
O Christ! what saw I there!

Each corse lay flat, lifeless and flat,
And, by the holy rood!
A man all light, a seraph-man,
On every corse there stood.

This seraph-band, each waved his hand:
It was a heavenly sight!
They stood as signals to the land,
Each one a lovely light;

This seraph-band, each waved his hand,
No voice did they impart—
No voice; but O, the silence sank
Like music on my heart.

But soon I heard the dash of oars,
I heard the Pilot's cheer;
My head was turn'd perforce away,
And I saw a boat appear.

The Pilot and the Pilot's boy,
I heard them coming fast:
Dear Lord in Heaven! it was a joy
The dead men could not blast.

I saw a third—I heard his voice:
It is the Hermit good!
He singeth loud his godly hymns
That he makes in the wood.
He'll shrieve my soul, he'll wash away
The Albatross's blood.

PART VII
'This Hermit good lives in that wood
Which slopes down to the sea.
How loudly his sweet voice he rears!
He loves to talk with marineres
That come from a far countree.

He kneels at morn, and noon, and eve—
He hath a cushion plump:
It is the moss that wholly hides
The rotted old oak-stump.

The skiff-boat near'd: I heard them talk,
"Why, this is strange, I trow!
Where are those lights so many and fair,
That signal made but now?"

"Strange, by my faith!" the Hermit said—
"And they answer'd not our cheer!
The planks looked warp'd! and see those sails,
How thin they are and sere!
I never saw aught like to them,
Unless perchance it were

Brown skeletons of leaves that lag
My forest-brook along;
When the ivy-tod is heavy with snow,
And the owlet whoops to the wolf below,
That eats the she-wolf's young."

"Dear Lord! it hath a fiendish look—
(The Pilot made reply)
I am a-fear'd"—"Push on, push on!"
Said the Hermit cheerily.

The boat came closer to the ship,
But I nor spake nor stirr'd;
The boat came close beneath the ship,
And straight a sound was heard.

Under the water it rumbled on,
Still louder and more dread:
It reach'd the ship, it split the bay;
The ship went down like lead.

Stunn'd by that loud and dreadful sound,
Which sky and ocean smote,
Like one that hath been seven days drown'd
My body lay afloat;
But swift as dreams, myself I found
Within the Pilot's boat.

Upon the whirl, where sank the ship,
The boat spun round and round;
And all was still, save that the hill
Was telling of the sound.

I moved my lips—the Pilot shriek'd
And fell down in a fit;
The holy Hermit raised his eyes,
And pray'd where he did sit.

I took the oars: the Pilot's boy,
Who now doth crazy go,
Laugh'd loud and long, and all the while
His eyes went to and fro.
"Ha! ha!" quoth he, "full plain I see
The Devil knows how to row."

And now, all in my own countree,
I stood on the firm land!
The Hermit stepp'd forth from the boat,
And scarcely he could stand.

"O shrieve me, shrieve me, holy man!"
The Hermit cross'd his brow.
"Say quick," quoth he, "I bid thee say—
What manner of man art thou?"

Forthwith this frame of mine was wrench'd
With a woful agony,
Which forced me to begin my tale;
And then it left me free.

Since then, at an uncertain hour,
That agony returns:
And till my ghastly tale is told,
This heart within me burns.

I pass, like night, from land to land;
I have strange power of speech;
That moment that his face I see,
I know the man that must hear me:
To him my tale I teach.

What loud uproar bursts from that door!
The wedding-guests are there:
But in the garden-bower the bride
And bride-maids singing are:
And hark the little vesper bell,
Which biddeth me to prayer!

O Wedding-Guest! this soul hath been
Alone on a wide, wide sea:
So lonely 'twas, that God Himself
Scarce seeméd there to be.

O sweeter than the marriage-feast,
'Tis sweeter far to me,
To walk together to the kirk
With a goodly company!—

To walk together to the kirk,
And all together pray,
While each to his great Father bends,
Old men, and babes, and loving friends,
And youths and maidens gay!

Farewell, farewell! but this I tell
To thee, thou Wedding-Guest!
He prayeth well, who loveth well
Both man and bird and beast.

He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.'

The Mariner, whose eye is bright,
Whose beard with age is hoar,
Is gone: and now the Wedding-Guest
Turn'd from the bridegroom's door.

He went like one that hath been stunn'd,
And is of sense forlorn:
A sadder and a wiser man
He rose the morrow morn.

a Jason original...

2005-10-19T02:08:00.000+08:00

"you know you want it...
you know i want it...
so, what'cha gonn' do?
here's the catch mah friend...
i just don't wan'do it wit' you."

somehow... these words just came to me.
dunno what triggered it...
oh well...

the survey that made it...

2005-10-10T02:50:00.000+08:00

FACT 1:
- Name: Jason
- Birth date: april 15, 1983
- What are you doing now? answering this shit
(as what it was called when i got it. hehe!)

FACT 2: Your...?
- most overused phrase(s): does, "oh my f*ckin' god" count as a phrase?
- first thoughts after waking up: "where did the rest of the day go?"
- usual bedtime: 3 am
- most missed memories: when She-Ra was still around...

FACT 3: Preferences?
- Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi... but iced tea is-- *(oh shut up!)*
- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King...
- Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate... but strawbe-- *(can it!)*
- Cappuccino or Latte: Latte. :)

FACT 4: Do you...?
- smoke: used to... yey!
- sing: more than you can tell...
- have a crush: did... so Miss O's English class!
- think you're really in love: since when did questions become tricky oxymorons? :)
- want to get married: no clue... probably... no.
- believe in yourself: 'course i do...
- get motion sickness: nope...
- think you're attractive: either you're totally conceited or undeniably,
categorically, everyone-says-so, my-fans-scream-my-name
attractive to answer yes to this question...
or just plain naive to not know it's loaded... hehehe!
i answer, nope. :)
- think you're a health freak: is there a middle ground for this?
but... i---yyyes. :)
- get along with your parents: yep!
- like thunderstorms: i just have to watch it right? :) yeah...
thunderstorms sing to me.
- play an instrument: used to...

FACT 5: In the past month, have you...?
- drank alcohol: past month? hmmm... nope... i don't think so.
- gone on a date: let's see... no alcohol... so... that must mean...
no date as well... :) not really a drinker by my own accord...
- gone to the mall: yep yep...
- eaten sushi: yep...
- been on stage: stage? are they the fad nowadays? i'd have to go with nope...
- gone skating: so 6th grade... i say, nope...

FACT 6:
- Age you hope to be married: don't even think i wanna get married...
- Number of Children: just 2... *(but you wanna have kids?! so Jacko!)*
- Names: Alpha and Omega, whatever their sexes may be...
- Describe your Dream Wedding: Corcovado mountain...
at the foot of Cristo Redentor...
mid-afternoon...
everything is white...
personal vows...
close friends and family...
a light breeze...
a forgiving sun...
a kiss for love...and a leap of faith.
*(you've obviously thought this through...
and you claim you don't want to get married, eh?)*
- What do you want to be when you grow up? so Little Miss Philippines... hehe!
would like to be a tycoon. :)

FACT 8: In a girl/boy you would want?:
- best hair color: jet black is so hard to find these days... :)
- short or long hair: short... :)

FACT 9: List the number of:
- people you trust with your life: whoa... uhm...
i guess 10 is a pretty fair estimate.
- CD's you own: at this day and age? anyone is close to at least a hundred.
- Piercings: none of those...
- Tattoos: just one. :)

FACT 10: What...?
-song are you listening to now? Shake It Off...
-time is it now? 2:36 AM...
-is your fave subject? Art of Film...

this little boy's heaven...

2005-10-06T02:09:00.000+08:00

too many philosophers have already said

too many words to describe

too many versions of heaven...

and, i don't want to be nitpick or anything but...

they're all just "too philosophical" for me...

kind'a like what barbra streisand's character said to her class when it comes to falling in love...

"... because while it does last, it feels fucking great!"

works for me...

now, at the risk of sounding like all the philosophers before me...

i give you...

my own view of heaven.

heaven...

it may be a state of mind... may be a state of being... but, i think heaven can be found in the smallest of things... and, in the stuff lying in your pantry. bingo!

heaven...

is 2:30 in the morning, and taking that bar of Kit Kat White that you bought the day before, and enjoying it all by yourself.

heaven...

is screwing your diet, 'cause you've been starving yourself anyways, and following up with a big blueberry muffin that your mom bought while you bought the Kit Kat White.

heaven...

is just giving in to your cravings and eating that big, neatly wrapped up piece of kalihim placed beside the muffins...

heaven...

still, is making yourself a wheat bread tuna sandwich at 3 am, after eating the Kit Kat White, blueberry muffin, and kalihim...

heaven...

is having ice cold C2 Apple flavor to go with that sandwich...

and heaven...

is rubbing your tummy and feeling stuffed, then looking at the time... it's 3:30 am.

i just have to add...

everything comes in pairs...

good and bad... light and dark... up and down... top and bottom...

and, yes...

heaven and hell...

hell...

is feeling sick about 15 minutes after, trying to get up from the couch, standing up but can barely move, walking inches at a time, going to the bathroom, looking at your belly in front of the mirror, sitting down for number 2, and standing up, only to remember that you just turned your water pump earlier, hence, there's no water!!!

"men often travel the world searching for something...

only to come home, finding it. "

the little things... *wink*

heaven is the possibility that you make of it. ~ jason

some people have all the fuck... i mean, luck. (originally posted for downelink's bulletin... this is the slightly edited version.)

2005-10-06T01:52:00.000+08:00

the games people play...

the things people say...

may want to meet you someday...

or your C-U-Next-Tuesday...

kind'a sounds a bit cliché...

but no one gives a *toot* anyway...

you just ride this wave, and to your dismay...

been there, done that... and this is all too gay.

the comedy of sentences

2005-10-05T02:20:00.000+08:00

you've been down this road before...
you've left breadcrumbs that even the crows would not touch...
this forsaken path, you've trekked not one too many times...

is it just you or is it your feet?
will this be what you will be remembered for?
or is this the longest 5 minutes of your life?

slumber for me, please...
i beg of thee, strip me bare of all grief...
and if not too much, show me paradise...

mere mortal, you long for justice without cause!
you shalln't be sated!
what you have been given, you yielded!

crossed it... played with it... made it smarter... (the arbitrary blog originally posted in my downelink)

2005-10-04T03:07:00.000+08:00

my mind used to be your playground...

you kept it percolating even as i slumber...
bet'cha didn't know that...

you crossed my mind tonight...
for reasons unknown...
i came, and saw you...
in whatever world you may be, i sincerely hope you're happy...

you've come a long way, stranger...
didn't even think you'd cross my mind again...
but then i succumbed to curiosity...
and let my fingers do the talking...
my first query returned nothing...
kind of like what i'm doing right now...
my second query, returned a single hit...
and there you were; hair gel and all...

if i continue writing this, i'd have to write sixteen lines...
these babies multiply by two, y'know...
but that's okay, i'd like to end this better...
better than saying, "hair gel and all", that is...
but it seems awkward to even say anything to you...
you felt like i broke your heart...
i felt like you broke my spirit...
but chances are, we'll never know...
if we really did break each other's stuff...
the truth we discussed was half-fold and vague...
i didn't want to tell you...
and you had no idea anyways...
these last four lines, may hit very close to home...
but at least he'll know, this pro'lly ain't 'bout him...
birds fly south for the winter, because...
feathered creatures don't do well in places where hell freezes over.....

Song of The Week

2005-10-03T04:14:00.000+08:00

yep... it's that time of the week again...

another chance for you to catch the mindless ramblings of this corner of gay and gay...

anyhoo...

well... it seems that "Shake It Off" is still playing strong this past week...

although, Regine is quite the content of the rest of the playlist... the live rendition of "Minsan Lang Kitang Iibigin" has made its mark on the playlist... and "Reigning Still" performances are enjoying their stay as well...

there's a nice song that stands out from all the trills of diva-hood though...

"Bohemian Rhapsody" as performed by The Akafellas bring in the rich mix of culture, humor, vocal pyrotechnics, and uncommon appeal that no songstress can create...

let's see how these guys will fare with two divas this week...

'til then!

(extro: this is "feeling VJ" Kyuubi, signing out...)

asylum's keep

2005-10-03T04:09:00.000+08:00

my soul is dark...
yet my words even darker...
i once swayed into the blackest of pits...
and now, my feet lead me there ever so knowingly again...
spare me from this pain, only to be tormented eternally...
oh, happy dagger let me know the meaning of serenity...
i have thrown away all reason and sense, nonchalantly...
for the gathering storm i now shall face, only miracles can help me...
i am sorry mother, i am sorry father, your expectations i have not met...
this is for all the sins-past, and all the sins-present, and for all the things you both don't know yet.

the cab ride... from heLL!

2005-10-03T03:45:00.000+08:00

how gutsy can a cab driver get? owh... VERY, if you ask me. take it from someone who's had his share of politically (and ethically, if i may add) incorrect cab drivers who either think that they own the road or that they're above the law. i've seen drivers snake their way in between lanes at cruise speed... seen one other who tried to get back at a bus for holding up the traffic, only for the bus driver to get back at him, at which point, i was scared shitless 'coz that was my friggin' cab! then there are lots of them who think that traffic lights are no more than gallery light installations that serve only as aesthetic artifacts and no more... oh yeah, there's a lot of 'em out there. although quite tolerable in the wee hours of the morning, there are those who have the balls to beat the red light in the most unlikely of times... such as mid-day and even rush hour. however, these "road hogs" often just bypass the traffic system a couple of times, or three at the most. in my experience, there is one driver who stands out. i'd have to say he's either in his mid or late forties... may already have grandchildren... and has been a cabbie for a long time. straight out of makati, there was not a single red light that he stopped for. yeah! you heard me! not one! none! zilch! nadda! zipp! although it was about half an hour past ten, traffic in the CBD is still quite alive at that time. people coming out from the mall, employees who did overtime, others arriving in the area for their call center jobs, and so on. this driver really takes the cake. aside from his apparent immunity to traffic lights, he also has a knack for making sharp turns, swerving lanes, taking that left turn from ayala to gil puyat, underminding pedestrians, and (this just tops it off) taking me in without the aide of a taxi meter! guess he caught wind of who i am and purposefully didn't turn the meter on. (the nerve of that man!) so... if that impressive resume ain't enough, he also has the guts to implore the same laws he broke to his defense. owh ho ho ho! it doesn't get any better than that! he had the balls to be so smug about being in the highway to a truck driver, and to think he just ignored traffic lights not 30 seconds ago!!! i rest my case… wherever that cabbie is at this very moment of publishing… may the powers that be have eternal mercy on him…

must haves...

2005-10-03T03:32:00.000+08:00

Priority List:

1. on the look out for a Christmas Tree (one of 'em new industrial steel ones... )

2. that nice Silk Shirt (with the matching Silk Belt thingie please... argh! vanity never ends!)

3. Sally Hansen (?) (600 a pop! no friggin' way!)

my life is an ambigram...

2005-10-03T03:06:00.000+08:00

what exactly did they mean when they said, "enjoy the diversity of life"? maybe i'm just bitter... maybe i'm just hopeless... or worse, i am both. but i just find a wee bit of an overstatement in that life-diversity crap... because of all people who should have diversity, spice, variation, and color in their lives, i am the one person who doesn't... and given the fact that i virtually have 2 established residences, i think i should have that quite covered, don't you? okay... i don't even know why i'm writing this bullshit down... i mean, i don't think anyone reads my crap anyways... but, what the hell, i'm just gonna yack here, and there ain't nothin' cyberspace can do about it! this is rent-controlled ya know. (as if!) honestly though... it's SSDD all day, any day, any damn day... i don't even know what i'm doin' with my life anymore, man... i just feel so fucked up... nobody knows the entire truth about me. and i mean NOBODY! there's just a shred of fact here and there, but none of them can say they know what's really goin' on... 'coz they don't! like an ambigram. you look at it from one side, you see a particular image... you turn it around, and you see the same image... and when two people look at it from different sides, they both see the same image. the people i know... the people who know me... and the people who think they know me... wherever they are... wherever they look at me... they only see one image of me. the image that they want to see. not the image that i am. all of them seeing half truths. i guess, the only one who practically knows all of me, is ME... and sometimes, even i get confused. at this point, maybe it is sound to say that i do need professional help. maybe rhoger is right... i believe in my own sadness so much, that i won't let him in... or anybody for that matter. that this is the easy way out, and i took it... that i couldn't be strong for both of us... that part, he's right about. things are about to get pretty messy in the coming months... and i either have to brave this storm alone, or just throw in the towel. now, the uneasiness is starting to set in... another sleepless night is about to break. i long for him again... in the confines of these walls... for Darkness to take me... and in his unholy arms will my soul rest. this ambigram is about to spell death... and that will be the only time everyone will see the truth.

cheetah or gazelle?

2005-09-30T03:09:00.000+08:00

if you were to choose between being a cheetah or a gazelle, which would you rather be?

the cheetah--- a natural born hunter on the savannah... has non-retractable claws, paired with sharp teeth attributed to all big cats... famed for its capability to run at breakneck speed... stealthy... plainly put, the predator.

the gazelle (thomson's gazelle, to be exact)--- smallest of the gazelle species... mounted with a ringed horn on top of it's head, with the females of the species having relatively shorter horns... built to perform leaps and bounds in the air... has an excellent field of vision... the cheetah's prey...

now, for most of you who have been asked this question, the gazelle is the least likely choice... let's be realistic here... we have all been programmed to opt for the strong, the domineering, the winner, and the survivor... from what we all have been taught since grade school, (and thanks to a couple or more cable shows about matters like these) the predator will conquer its prey... 50 to 70 percent of the time.

BINGO! what about the other 50 or 30 percent? in nature's playing field of eat or be eaten, such a margin of non-occurence is not taken lightly... but to be fair, let's see what the stats are, shall we?

Cheetah, weighs 60 kilos on avearge... the Tommie (Thomson's Gazelle), 23 kilos.
both animals have the average life expectancy of 12 years.
the Tommie's top speed clocks in at an average of 85 kilometers per hour, which puts it at top 3 in its species, despite its size... and the Cheetah? an astonishing maximum speed of 104 kilometers per hour! making it the fastest land animal in the world.

it seems that the odds are stacked up against our Tommie... but that's just how we like it.

if you've seen a Cheetah sprinting at top speeds, the animal is just marvelous... its non-retractable claws provide the traction and horizontal propulsion needed to attain its infamous record, with its feet barely touching the ground for a fraction of a second... its streamline body, perfect wind resistance posture (with the Cheetah's back straightened and completely parallel to the ground), and lightweight frame... the Cheetah is virtually flying when on the run.

the obvious gap between the two animals' speeds is a deceptive variable... what counts, is reaction time.

Tommies are vigilant sentries... they constantly monitor the plains for threats such as our Cheetah here... they stay in heards, so there are about ten eyes out on the watch at any given time... they keep an invisible perimeter fence around them... sort of a tolerance barrier for other approaching animals... of course, this varies, depending on the perceived threat of the oncoming company... for most fellow grazing animals, they may come as close to the Gazelles as food may allow... for Baboons, 10 to 30 meters is observed... but for the Cheetah, it's 300 meters... any closer than that, and the Gazelles scramble like a S.W.A.T. team on high alert... they will have progged to relative safety before the Cheetah even breaks into a sweat.

so you see, the Cheetah's job is not as easy as it looks... running down a Gazelle is just part of the story... coming in close enough to lunge and chase after them is still priority one.

however, in the event that predator and prey break into a chase... the stakes are raised... very high...
in the human world, a race is considered a sport... there may be wagers involved, and it's usually money, property, or something of material or monetary value...
but in this race... it's a matter of life and death... especially, for the Gazelle.

Cheetahs are built for speed... and, sadly... for nothing else. their slanky frame has been stripped of all unnecessary body mass... and as such, this makes them very vulnerable to attacks... even from their prey... a broken bone, or damaged muscle could cripple the Cheetah's chances for survival... that is why, this speed machine cannot afford to break down.

now, despite the Cheetah's obvious advantage in terms of speed, mother nature has still given our Tommie a fighting chance to survive... if both animals were to run at their top speeds in a predator-prey rundown, it is almost always certain that the Tommie will lose... and it pays with its life... the Cheetah's speed is just too much for the Gazelle... but it comes at a price.

the Gazelle's speed may be inferior, but it is built for stamina and strategy... its body has been designed for optimal results with minimal efforts. the Gazelle's sense of balance is uncanny... in its flee to safety, don't expect it to run in a straight line... it is capable of zigzagging its trajectory... the Gazelle's physiology allows for it to sprint in such angles and change that in rapid succession while keeping its torso on a stationary position... such a tactic is used to throw off a predator... misdirection. a Cheetah may very well lose its footing if it attempts such a tactic. so, in a chase, the Cheetah has no margin for error... after about 300 yards at full sprint, the Cheetah starts to run low on its reserves... and after about 30 seconds or so, it will concede... the Tommie, on the other, can still hold up for about a couple of minutes more. on a flat out race, the Cheetah will win any day... but on a slalom, the Gazelle has the upper hand.

so you see, it's not all about speed... stamina is also to be considered. not to mention, a little bit of luck for either animal. because in nature, the fast and the furious don't always survive.

10 Things I Hate About Myself ... (originally posted on my Picturetrail)

2005-09-26T18:22:00.000+08:00

1. i believe in my own sadness...

2. i stay up all night long...

3. i deprive myself of things...

4. i curse and yell as if it were a song...

5. i go out or storm out...

6. i come back the next day...

7. i take no responsibility, whatsoever...

8. i can just sleep the whole day...

9. i threw away my heart, now i'm cold as ice...

10. so see me now, with my sad face, and my dull lifeless eyes...

~ by Jason Yau

Song of the Week (overlapping)

2005-09-26T18:06:00.000+08:00

it seems that Mariah is still playing in my airwaves with "Shake It Off" ...

however, she's closely tagged by Team Hana with two of their theatrical performances, "Yume No Tsuzuki" (The Dream Continues) and "Kiseki No Kane" (The Miracle Bell) ...

Regine Velasquez is also making a comeback on my playlists... with more high pitches than ever...

we'll see what this next week has to offer...

... save this recording because i'm never comin' back home ...

here come the Heroes...

2005-09-26T03:21:00.000+08:00

someone once said, of men who spoke few words:
either he is quiet because he is busy plotting something bad...
or, he only speaks when he has something important to say...

Heroes are often like that, aren't they?
so... here are 3 my Heroes...
Champions in their own unique ways...

Beck (The Rundown)

Frank Martin (The Transporter & Transporter 2)

Xander Cage (Triple X)

if you have come here from Downelink...
click the title of this Blog Post and see more...

song of the week!

2005-09-18T22:18:00.000+08:00

the past week's featured song was "Bring It All Back To You" by S Club 7...

now, make way for Mariah Carey's "Shake It Off"... like this song's beat...

catchy... diva... essence... ~ my Review

been on quote tripping lately... bear with me...

2005-09-18T22:17:00.000+08:00

"One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Auguries of Innocence by William Blake

2005-09-18T22:14:00.000+08:00

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.
A dove-house filled with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell through all its regions.
A dog starved at his master's gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.
A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.
A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipped and armed for fight
Does the rising sun affright.
Every wolf's and lion's howl
Raises from hell a human soul.
The wild deer wandering here and there
Keeps the human soul from care.
The lamb misused breeds public strife,
And yet forgives the butcher's knife.
The bat that flits at close of eve
Has left the brain that won't believe.
The owl that calls upon the night
Speaks the unbeliever's fright.
He who shall hurt the little wren
Shall never be beloved by men.
He who the ox to wrath has moved
Shall never be by woman loved.
The wanton boy that kills the fly
Shall feel the spider's enmity.
He who torments the chafer's sprite
Weaves a bower in endless night.
The caterpillar on the leaf
Repeats to thee thy mother's grief.
Kill not the moth nor butterfly,
For the Last Judgment draweth nigh.
He who shall train the horse to war
Shall never pass the polar bar.
The beggar's dog and widow's cat,
Feed them, and thou wilt grow fat.
The gnat that sings his summer's song
Poison gets from Slander's tongue.
The poison of the snake and newt
Is the sweat of Envy's foot.
The poison of the honey-bee
Is the artist's jealousy.
The prince's robes and beggar's rags
Are toadstools on the miser's bags.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
It is right it should be so:
Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know
Through the world we safely go.
Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
The babe is more than swaddling bands,
Throughout all these human lands;
Tools were made and born were hands,
Every farmer understands.
Every tear from every eye
Becomes a babe in eternity;
This is caught by females bright
And returned to its own delight.
The bleat, the bark, bellow, and roar
Are waves that beat on heaven's shore.
The babe that weeps the rod beneath
Writes Revenge! in realms of death.
The beggar's rags fluttering in air
Does to rags the heavens tear.
The soldier armed with sword and gun
Palsied strikes the summer's sun.
The poor man's farthing is worth more
Than all the gold on Afric's shore.
One mite wrung from the labourer's hands
Shall buy and sell the miser's lands,
Or if protected from on high
Does that whole nation sell and buy.
He who mocks the infant's faith
Shall be mocked in age and death.
He who shall teach the child to doubt
The rotting grave shall ne'er get out.
He who respects the infant's faith
Triumphs over hell and death.
The child's toys and the old man's reasons
Are the fruits of the two seasons.
The questioner who sits so sly
Shall never know how to reply.
He who replies to words of doubt
Doth put the light of knowledge out.
The strongest poison ever known
Came from Caesar's laurel crown.
Nought can deform the human race
Like to the armour's iron brace.
When gold and gems adorn the plough
To peaceful arts shall Envy bow.
A riddle or the cricket's cry
Is to doubt a fit reply.
The emmet's inch and eagle's mile
Make lame philosophy to smile.
He who doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you please.
If the sun and moon should doubt,
They'd immediately go out.
To be in a passion you good may do,
But no good if a passion is in you.
The whore and gambler, by the state
Licensed, build that nation's fate.
The harlot's cry from street to street
Shall weave old England's winding sheet.
The winner's shout, the loser's curse,
Dance before dead England's hearse.
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
We are led to believe a lie
When we see not through the eye
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.
God appears, and God is light
To those poor souls who dwell in night,
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.

Martial Arts Language Technique

2005-09-18T22:12:00.000+08:00

我は無できない、
我の影技かない者為、
我が一撃は無敵なり！

Oxymorons gone wrong... (and other literary mishaps)

2005-09-18T22:03:00.000+08:00

whoever said Filipino ingenuity is dead? well... whoever said that may have gone for a slightly different meaning than the literal one... hehehehe!

1. at the supermarket...

Fresh Frozen Chicken Sold Here.

2. looking for the perfect bouquet?

We sell Artificial Fresh Flowers!

3. why people don't like their pictures taken...

We Shoot While You Wait.

4. downright TagLish...

We Hab Sopdrink In Can And In Batol.

5. all for business...

Notary Public: Tumatanggap Din Ng Labada Pag Linggo.

6. talk about strict parallelism...

Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier

7. vandalism, the Filipino way...

No Urinating On The Walls

8. matter of national security...

No I.D. : Nothing Entry

9. is this a threat?

Bawal Omehi Dito Ang Maholi Bog-bog!

10. no sexual discrimination here...

Wanted: Boy Waitress

the bastard can write?

2005-09-18T21:46:00.000+08:00

Untitled Song by Jason

When we first met
I never thought
That what we have now
Was even possible

Back then all seemed
So clear, so numb
So un-now it was
But here we are

But what i didn't know
And what you didn't show
Was that...
You felt the same way too

You said...
Never stop reaching for that rainbow
You might reach it someday
And never give up on the colors that shine/show
'Coz you never know when they'll all go blind/blur

You showed me strength
Showed me fear and encouragement
You showed me who you are
Like no one's ever seen you before

By then i thought i knew
The person who's supposed to be you
Oh, but how foolish could i be
Naive, to believe,
That you and i could ever be

the cab ride... from heLL!

2005-09-18T21:45:00.000+08:00

how gutsy can a cab driver get? owh... VERY, if you ask me. take it from someone who's had his share of politically (and ethically, if i may add) incorrect cab drivers who either think that they own the road or that they're above the law. i've seen drivers snake their way in between lanes at cruise speed... seen one other who tried to get back at a bus for holding up the traffic, only for the bus driver to get back at him, at which point, i was scared shitless 'coz that was my friggin' cab! then there are lots of them who think that traffic lights are no more than gallery light installations that serve only as aesthetic artifacts and no more... oh yeah, there's a lot of 'em out there. although quite tolerable in the wee hours of the morning, there are those who have the balls to beat the red light in the most unlikely of times... such as mid-day and even rush hour. however, these "road hogs" often just bypass the traffic system a couple of times, or three at the most. in my experience, there is one driver who stands out. i'd have to say he's either in his mid or late forties... may already have grandchildren... and has been a cabbie for a long time. straight out of makati, there was not a single red light that he stopped for. yeah! you heard me! not one! none! zilch! nadda! zipp! although it was about half an hour past ten, traffic in the CBD is still quite alive at that time. people coming out from the mall, employees who did overtime, others arriving in the area for their call center jobs, and so on. this driver really takes the cake. aside from his apparent immunity to traffic lights, he also has a knack for making sharp turns, swerving lanes, taking that left turn from ayala to gil puyat, underminding pedestrians, and (this just tops it off) taking me in without the aide of a taxi meter! guess he caught wind of who i am and purposefully didn't turn the meter on. (the nerve of that man!) so... if that impressive resume ain't enough, he also has the guts to implore the same laws he broke to his defense. owh ho ho ho! it doesn't get any better than that! he had the balls to be so smug about the grren light in front of him, when he in fact, just completely threw the rule book out the window just several minutes and turns ago... i say to myself, "this guy is major A-hole! he takes the cake in my book!" but hey... it could be worse, right?

of unicorns and lost loves...

2005-09-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

when i was a kid, i've had my share of not-so-normal experiences that i've single handedly faced. from bigger than your usual big spiders in dark rooms, to mysterious entities that tuck me in bed, to playing with my late grandfather... i have come to not make a big deal out of them. until... one of the most unusual phenomena paid me a recent visit. although in this time and age, the ungodly hours of twilight no longer hold their prestige as the notorious witching hour... the creatures that abide by this universal clock beg to differ. the straight up question would be... is there such a thing as a unicorn? that elusive creature... pure. majestic. ethereal. it is not long ago that i had my close encounter with this mystical creature. in the midst of city lights... the willowing mist of gases... and the chaos of it all. there it was. seated like a queen on her throne... on the clearing of that dense forest. i beheld its presence. equally awestricken and somehow proud that in my lifetime, i have seen a creature of lore... i approached it. the inviting look on its face prompted me to come hither. and as sweet fortune may have it... i was able to make contact. to have touched its mane and frolic with it. i should be one lucky bastard... but my madness had settled in... and i let that unicorn go. and for all the selfish reasons that i have... i left that unicorn where i found it. after experiencing such bliss, i allowed myself to separate from it. and now, i wonder... will i ever meet another unicorn? or will that unicorn be the only one to grace my eyes? with the settling darkness i find myself cold and alone... no more unicorns will pass my way... this lad's path has been stoned... come what may. (this unicorn of which i speak... literal or metaphor?)

"... the saddest of words ring true." ~Jason Yau

from one site to another...

2005-09-13T03:45:00.000+08:00

if ye seek those immortalized in film...

ye must search within this site...

yonder lies the post where three stars gather...

and he who loves himself has been named a condition after...

thou must be patient, due south to blue green...

a single click proceeds you to this land...

where vanity trails within...

at the risk of sounding like an air-head...

2005-09-12T02:00:00.000+08:00

would like to thank "anonymous"... :) glad to know someone's reading my shit out here... hehehe! will check out that site you said... however, an error occurs when i try to access the link... anyways... this is to the kittens... may the Almighty smiter have mercy on them even until one of us "comes"...

i'm a little bit of vanity, i'm a little bit of narcissus...

2005-09-12T01:44:00.000+08:00

now... i don't know what kind of straight-up-punk-assed operation they run up there... but, this is some messed-up-shit! LoL!!! just kidding... but this one really cracked me up... i mean, who'da thought, right? not that i'm being suckered in to some narcissistic loop... but, oh what the hell... just see for yourself... hehehe!

credits go to:

http://www.play-analogia.com/cgi-bin/index/ (where you can find this program under the Try It section...)

and of course, superboy of :

http://superboyspeaks.blogspot.com/ (for posting his blog with the link to the Analogia site...)

so, go ahead... satisfy your curiosity... (and your vanity... hehe!)

so, my little grasshopper... you have come here from the land they call Downelink... from here, you may proceed to the land they call Picturetrail...

this is the path... i must take...

2005-09-09T15:26:00.000+08:00

i know you said... that you have enough sorry's to last you another lifetime... but give me my reprieve... if there's any way i could change things, i would... but can't you see the hurt in me? because in reality... i just feel so alone...

cruelty against kittens...

2005-09-09T15:09:00.000+08:00

i just saw this from an online account in one of those network sites… “each time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. think of the kittens…” now… is that sick or what? i mean… in a hilarious kinda way of course. hehehe! just think about it… while you’re pleasuring yourself in the most un-Godly you can conceive, an unknowing and helpless kitten is out there somewhere, unprepared for the macabre fate it is about to end up with… not that i’m getting a kick out of this… but, the idea of it is just, in itself, a funny one. so… would you still masturbate? can your conscience bear the guilt of being responsible for a lovable animal’s demise, while you bask in the fornication that is your indulgence? well… the guys from PETA are gonna have a field day with this one. hahahaha!

do you know where you're going to?

2005-09-06T09:46:00.000+08:00

remember that techno song from ab0ut 5 years ago? the one with the chorus that goes like, "do you think you're better off alone?" i'm unfamiliar with the particulars of that song... however, i can recall it's quite catchy and engaging back in it's glory days. objective aspects aside, that particular part of the song says a lot about me these days. it makes me wonder, am i the biggest shithead in history? i had it going for me... everything was as good as it gets... it was all served on a silver platter...

what probably was the best thing that ever and will ever happen to you, you just (in his words) threw it all away.

i can't help but wipe this ridiculous droplet of salty liquid streaming down my right cheek.

it pains me to even recall what happened. and i never even mean for any of it to happen... i was scared. that's the single most accurate word i can conjure up in my defense.

there's a throbbing uneasiness in my chest. and my eyes get hazy every now and then.

this is a very low point for you... you hear his voice, asking you to reconsider. and suddenly he makes a very good point in his argument... why ARE you willing to just throw it all away?

you close your eyes to hold back the tears.

and you answer, while in the coldness of the solitude that is your dark bedroom... i don't know.

and you hear a female voice... "think about it really hard... and when you decide, make sure that's what you really want... and just hope that it's not too late."

too... late.

what will you do? if it's too late? well, you're a stupid jerk anyways, that's why you're asking all these questions... that's why you're writing all these words.

you brace yourself for the truth.

i was scared of letting you down.

i was scared that i wouldn't be able to give you what you need.

i was scared of committing.

i was scared that i wouldn't live up to your expectations.

scared of what the future holds.

scared... of responsibility.

and now, i realize... that i'm even more scared... that i might just have lost what i, deep down, really hold dearest.

it's a gay man's folly.

he who is afraid to break his own heart, has unintentionally broken someone else's... and upon realizing so, gets heartbroken himself... and now, he bears the pain of two shattered hearts. this is how bachelors are born... they eventually evolve into players... then, to trysexuals... to ice queens... and then, to bitter old fags.

segments from "home"

2005-08-29T08:25:00.000+08:00

something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself... makes me want to lose myself in your arms... there's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast...

if you knew how lonely my life has been, and how long i've been so alone... and if you knew how much i wanted someone to come along... and change my life the way you've done...

and if you knew how happy you're making me... i never thought that i'd love anyone so much...

this... old town...

2005-08-29T08:19:00.000+08:00

this boy is crackin' up...
this boy has broken down...
this boy is crackin' up...
this boy has broke down...

i've been spending my money in the old town...
it's not the same honey, with you not around.
i've been spending my time in the old town...
sure miss you honey, you're not around...
you're not around...
this old town...

august to september...

2005-08-29T08:15:00.000+08:00

august is ending... the third month after the summer trilogy... and yet, you're fixated on slugging it out on your personal work-out routine as if beach season were just a couple of weeks away. you've been wanting to trim those problem areas of yours for forever now, and you're nowhere near accomplishing that objective... as long as you're on the pill, you think, you'll do just fine. but the pill can only do so much as slim you down... toning those muscles and unearthing those six-pack eye candies is another story. now, you have the equipment and you have the manual... what's missing? the willpower. you've managed to shed 25 pounds, at the most, and just lazy about having to do extra trimming... you've become dependent on the miracle capsule, and that's not a good thing. get your act together! and fast! you hear it, but you can't just get yourself to cooperate. you're still cutting yourself some slack. after all, that collar bone of yours is still on exhibit, and that works for you. besides, when you start on the training, your momentum is next to perpetual motion. okay okay... tomorrow is the day. and if it isn't too much to ask, mind you kicking that chimney off the railroad too? if you catch my drift... here's will: "wish i could buddy, but that dog just won't hunt". wha'? sober it up, you tease. will do... will do. guess that new song is just in time for your cue huh? just "wake me up when september ends..."

the wedding date principle...

2005-08-29T08:14:00.000+08:00

would you believe me if i told you, that every woman (and man, for that matter) has the exact love life that she/he wants? well... pragmatically, i think and feel that it's a logical statement. you see... we have control of our lives, and quite frankly, that's reason enough... to have exactly what we want, that is. and yet... we still here people complaining. well, then why? maybe, just maybe... because it is human nature to ask for more... be insatiable... and not content with what they have. we'd hear unfulfilled bits and pieces of a dangling relationship... much of which is, a paramount list of shortcomings of the significant other. the resentment, frustration, and loathing builds up. only for either one to realize, that what they have is actually so much more than what they wanted to begin with... and this realization usually descends upon them at the point when it is either too late, or it's make or break time. now... before you say, it's not working, take time to truly look at what you have, and not just see the object of your discontentment. (good lord! mirror please!) easier said than done, i know... but that's the unadulterated truth of it. you manifest, only what you want... and you may not know it, but... you already have what you want, you just have to open your eyes and look.

the once in a while quote...

2005-08-29T08:13:00.000+08:00

the supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. -victor hugo

semi-semi kal...

2005-08-29T08:11:00.000+08:00

number 6, you saved me... i was on the brink of insane frustration, yet you found a way. and i like the way you make me look. there you were... your usual polyurethiane lilac self, and then you touched me... and i never knew you could do such wonders. i like it... no, wait, i love it! i'm loving it! really loving it! you keep it close to home. and i think, that's the way it should be. don't you? you are in my mind. imprinted. will see you in about 3 weeks or so... my therapy for the broken crown. - a tribute to razor number 6

raindrops will fall... hard.

2005-08-29T08:08:00.000+08:00

i wish i could fall... wish i could just find myself, free falling in the abyss unknown and boundless. like, falling and flying at the same time. i wish that the shadow would take me... and give me reprieve. wish that i could fall, and no questions would need answers... because then, i'd know what makes the world go 'round. and then i'd truly be spirited away. wish that what i had need not be cured, so i could stay forever this way. but then, come to think of it, what you have has no cure. i wish my salvation would come... sweep me off my feet, and take me... take me while i'm still beautiful, or so to speak. but it is never like that... and they say, there is no such thing. but i wish there was... and i know there is... and i want it. i wish to see you sunset... and see you as a beginning, not an end... what a wonderful world, eh? i wish the cold would stay... then i wouldn't have to worry about anything at all. and i wish happily ever afters were true... not that i don't believe them... but i want it to happen to me. to see how it is... what's on the other side? where endings start... and be one step beyond. i wish i had fallen before now... fallen, reprieved, saved... then i'd have no memory of this. take me with you now... you there who sits on my ceiling. believe you me, i wish to be with you... grant my wish.

number 6...

2005-08-16T07:56:00.001+08:00

razor number 6... you saved me... thank you... :) will talk more of your marvels: to come...

the diabetic at baskin robbins...

2005-08-16T07:56:00.000+08:00

grab a spoon, joey says... hmmm... but you've already picked your ice cream, and a spoon. what's a guy to do? then joey adds, it's like your saying there's only one flavor of ice cream... he's retarded, yet makes a point. go figure! (this is jibberish, yes?) when you're at a store, shop, or boutique, if you may... do you get a particularly designed shirt in different colors? well, rarely... and yet, the idea is a conundrum... unless the rebecca bloomwood gene runs in your double helix, you, like almost everyone else will pick a particularly designed shirt, in only one particular color; one that suits you best. so why are there some people who get a shirt in different colors? paris hilton does... and then there's lindsay lohan. celebrities... alas! the pure parallelism of it all. with me so far? hehehe! what if i were to tell you, that you can have everything you want... but you may not. see what i mean? this falls under the category of, so near yet so far. and, as samantha jones puts it perfectly, it's like a diabetic making a trip to baskin robbins! straight woman in a bar full of cute, hunky, ripped gay men...

it's a catch 22...

2005-08-16T07:55:00.000+08:00

let's face it... you're in such a slump right now... school ain't that great, if ya know what i mean. and you're starting to anorexize (if there's even a word) yourself. hey! better than bulimia, i always say... this ain't your year... or maybe any year is as good as any, just that your mind is more whacked than it used to be. and you basically have the right equipment, read the manual, but consciously and purposely didn't follow instructions. what is wrong with you? why are you throwing all this away? there's no fast forward button to life just like you always wished there is, ya know. but everything ain't really down in the dumps right? you have love... and yet, all those songs that say all you need is love, love lifts us up where we belong, love moves in mysterious ways, etc... they don't really help out now, do they? this you... on your pre-early quarter life crisis. how do you say, a catch 22.

the million bucks

2005-08-16T07:54:00.000+08:00

if i had a million bucks: i'd probably be too busy spending it to be writing this right now. i'd buy a nice little sports car, probably in pastel yellow. i'd go on a continental tour, picking out at least 5 destinations for the particular interest they hold (might include paris, rio de janiero, tibet, new york, and africa). i'd get lotsa cool gadgets! (a wi-fi notebook, a portable media player that has at least an 8 inch width screen, a cool multi media phone, mp3 player, a psp, and probably a modified gun... notice that most of these gadgets are unbranded, 'coz i'll just purchase the toplist gadgets of their kind at the time i get the million in question). i'd get my own jet or chopper! (though i hear they're well over millions or billions) i'm gonna get a house in boracay and baguio! i'd go on a crazy shopping spree for everyone to see! (assistants to carry my bags for me and all) i'd buy and invest in the stock market, as per advice from people i trust. i'd get my own hot air balloon and blimp. i'd get the comfiest bed and couch! (a modified lazy boy would be nice) i'd host a party in the poshest place! (celebs on the guest list and all) i'd buy a cabin somewhere in the countryside, somewhere quiet and scenic. (aspen springs to mind) i'd sell off each and every buck (referring to the animal) and make more than just 1 million by doing so.

you came... you saw... you cried...

2005-08-06T23:43:00.000+08:00

finally, the search is over... it's over now, i can't go back to being what i used to be... i have found what has been haunting my imagination and memory for the past 5 years or so... all those hours spent online, for even just a hint of what i can only describe as, "the affirmation of my childhood"... all the questions that i built around myself for others to see, yet answers unabound from spectators... truly, when they say, expect the unexpected, it is unexpected... of all the places, none could be more suitable... i found you, right there... in the hands of another man... inside a plastic bag. i saw you... and almost instantly, chills went up my spine. as if an apparition of beatific proportions had just manifested itself. but where you lay, you are just another trinket in that sea of collectibles... just another item. i asked for you, and you were handed to me... and there you were. in gorgeous pastel technicolor... the creature in your background... your clothing and appearance. yet another sensation of nostalgia. and it gets better... i turn you over... and i couldn't believe my eyes even though they were my own. that white-winged wonder in flight, and you boarding it. i have searched for you! and you were right under my nose all this time! i had ignored your name, for i did not know your identity. but you were in my hands... tangible... solid... affirmed. so what does a man do when he has found the object of his quest? he sits down in front of the television... presses "Play" on the DVD remote... and just fills himself with awe and childish admiration, as he watches the animated motion picture wide-eyed, amazed, and all... and in the ending, he cries... just like he did when he was young... circa, 1983-1987. - this is for Nausicaa of the Valley of The Wind (Kaze no Tani no Naushika)

bull crap!!!!

2005-08-06T23:39:00.000+08:00

why is everything so "putanGinang" slow? i am pissed... right here right now! and you! you you YOU! stop bugging me for a while okay?!! i'm figuring my own shit here!!! i might as well say that i'm mad at the world... and the world is hiding... i'll retreat... prince Valium... get ready...

the grandpa in me...

2005-08-01T03:48:00.000+08:00

the other day… as I was taking a bath, with the tolerable hot water racing from my back to the drain not inches from my feet… the most peculiar of thoughts were conjured in me. maybe it was the weather… maybe it was the water… but nothing had prepared me for what I consciously said as I stood in there shower, bath gel, body scrub, conditioner and all… “I want to be a grandfather…” (remember those unbelievable theme commercials that mc donald’s had? well, I guess this moment would make the cut for that) I couldn’t believe I said it… to myself… and to the loneness of the bathroom area that I am in. to manifest it as a word/s, breathe life into the possibility of it, and recycle energy and matter, and be incarnate. Yes… a grandfather… but right now, I don’t see myself getting married to a woman and having kids with her… can’t even bring myself to fantasize heterosexual encounters… I guess, it’s because grandparents have a certain trait that I would like to think I want to be/have… can’t quite put my finger on it… but for Filipinos, who value family ties more than most races, a grandparent would have a certain authority if not seniority (obviously) over matters… shallow, you think? But that’s not the entire reason why I want to be a grandparent… from my point of view, everybody loves grandparents… (maybe not in the way that they would say that everybody loves chicken) but I picture a playground… with kids… running around and getting themselves all worked up; in the sandbox, jungle gym, swing, teeter totter, monkey bars, slides, the works… and there, I’d walk towards the swing, dodging the little ones as they play tag… and then a tiny, innocent, curious voice would call out, “grandpa! grandpa!” as the young wide-eyed child runs to me with open arms and hugs me with arms and hands, short yet warm… and I’d pick up the rugrat as my aging body and frail back would allow it, and hug the kiddo back… that’s why I want to be a grandfather…

i am...

2005-08-01T03:13:00.000+08:00

i am... not what i am (not as the song goes)... but something else... when MewTwo played God and asked, "what is more important? their safety or their freedom?" whoever thought that you could pick something out like that from a Pokemon, a cloned one even!

the other blue pill...

2005-08-01T03:08:00.000+08:00

dateline: 3am, on the dot.

and matchbox 20's then hit song played in my subconscious background... after my gonna-see-how-skinny-i-got-in-front-of-the-mirror routine, i washed my hands off with alcohol, as is my regimen... i was reading a magazine earlier, and had to get the feeling of paper outta my fingers... i actually washed off for another reason... one that i've been contemplating on since i got settled back in my room. to pop or not to pop, that is the question. the non-nocturnal creatures of the metropolis are usually in deep slumber at right about this time, "REM cycle" as science guys would call it, "dreaming" for those of you who're lost in translation... and there goes Rob Thomas again, "it's 3am i must be lonely..." (i better finish this quick, 'coz the great calm is almost, no, is upon me) heard of the blue pill? viagara, right? the one that keeps your tallywhacker in full fighting mode for God knows how long (i don't know of course, 'coz i haven't tried it)... well, my blue pill is an antithesis. you know that feeling when you're on crack? the one where you can feel your breathing slow down, and you just feel calm, so relaxed, and serene... my blue pill can do that... (double vision starts here) i started with curiosity and might even be killed by it... my head, it feels like a paperweight right now. my eyes, dreading the fact that i have to type this in, while my body is relaxing itself... a fully awake flashback of the vietnam war crossed... i am chiaroscuro, animated. personified even... i'm torm between light and dark, just as i am once again right now... that little blue pill... my ticket outta here. let's see what volatile liquid would best suit its effects. i await my sentence... and death, i fully welcome thee. with open arms, i am yours, take me! and i shall be released... (the light fades now and the Virgil of my own dreams await me) he takes me to where my mind can rest... and offer sanctuary for my body... this it it... i bade the world... good night...

everything... you...

2005-07-20T01:34:00.000+08:00

i was about to take a bath... i entered the melon-tiled bathroom located in the first floor of my aunt's house, and locked the door behind me... i caught my reflection in the mirror above the bathroom sink... i studied myself in the mirror... "well, it cleared up somehow", refering to the breakouts i used to have. with crossed arms, i took hold of the bottom end of my undershirt, ready to undress... as i was lifting my undershirt, i was stopped in my tracks by a familiar odor... i did a double take to sniff my undershirt, and a subtle smile ran across my lips. i smelled you... the way you smelled yesterday morning in bed with that blue shirt... or maybe that was the laundry detergent. because there was no way possible that your scent could have found its way to that undershirt, in my closet, at my aunt's place, where you've never set foot in. odd huh? but i guess that saying is right... when you love someone, everything else just seem to remind you of him. i rest my case.....

kurai...

2005-07-10T21:33:00.000+08:00

how dark these days are...
hope, where art thou?
i am not amused by these savage times...
and faint flickering light across the river's mist bed is no consolation.
your heart...
a piece of it lingers in your desolated resolve.
you see the tin man?
he longs for a heart...
and yet, you so willingly dispose of yours!
you will never again smile...
never again cry... nor laugh... or even be moved by movies.
for you, as you've said, have thrown away your heart...
and have been numbed to evil's point.

numbed to evil's point...

2005-07-10T03:02:00.000+08:00

now she is numb...
i... am numb.

i can hold back my tears now...
but why are they still streaming down my cheeks?

where are you? why aren't you here?
the one i run to...
the one whose name i cry out when i am forlorn.

but...
how can you run to the one you long for?
when it is the one who made you cry?

you are numb, remember?

so run anyways... or maybe not.

i mean, what for? things won't change.
not now, it's too late...

but not ever, that's too long...

"the stalking lionness sits with the crocodile until harvest time..."
patience is my virtue...

and gloating will be my privilege alone...

"only when a black widow is born can the bumblebee take flight..."
oh how evil she really is...

soon...

it ends.....

she had "almost" gone (follow up on ginger)...

2005-07-10T02:37:00.000+08:00

she was almost at the brink of existence...
trailing on the edge of a double edged sword...
between life and death she swung, while on a pendulum she rode.

it was her crossroads...
while she wished for death to claim her, oh bittersweet redemption
(how you longed for it that night)...
call it by any allegory and immortalize it with any other lyrical poetry...
any other name...
pick your poison.
but that night and hour, she seriously contemplated suicide.

everything was just so wrong...
misplaced and neglected.
but while death clouds her judgment, her lover beckoned...
pleading otherwise.
and she replied...

"but i'm so tired..."

and then, epiphany dawned on her.....

"... never give up..."

the words echoed through her consciousness...
and she was saved.
yet, the darkside took her, and her path rooted from fear...
then anger...
then hate, and oh so sweet payback materialized on its own.

"the world will pay"

she said to herself...
until reason queried, and swayed her out of it...
she was told,

"it's unfair..."

she saw that...
and for all that she could do, and all that beheld her,
there were only tears to ease her suffering...

until finally, her tears were no more.
this time, she decided...

"i have to throw away my heart..."

i am She...
and she threw away her heart...
how she wished she'd gone...

seen houdini? he ain't got no shit on me!

2005-07-06T15:32:00.000+08:00

all it takes is one sentence... even just one friggin' phrase or clause... and that one magic word. try it... and i guarantee... i'd give houdini a run for his money...

when darkness comes for you...

2005-07-06T15:31:00.000+08:00

hush...

it is quiet...
dark and quiet...

but scampering feet are audible from your bed...
*you fidget, toss, and turn*

the translucent jalousie glows dimly of yellow orange-ish light from the electric post not 15
feet from your window.

but inside...
in your room...

darkness abounds...

the abysmal predicament seems thicker tonight...
take me darkness!
show me what makes you beyond human...

carrie, this one's on me...

2005-07-06T15:29:00.000+08:00

it's one of those nights again... when your world seems to be crumbling down on you... when it's dark (literally and figuratively) and you have no one but yourself to give comfort... another night when you think to yourself, "i am so dead..."

it's nights like these when i wish that a car, a truck, or any other vehicle for that matter would just run me over (that which i have no guts to commit on my own)... then i'd have every right and reason to disappear from the world... to retreat to my shell... my comfort zone... so i'd never have to be hurt again... wish i had that fast forward button in life right now... the road before me is full of traps and obstacles... and i know, no matter how bad it seemed, that i'd be able to cross it... i just don't want to experience having to actually undertake it all...

wish i had valiums... i'd take those little joy pills like they were m&m's... then chase it down with whatever alcoholic beverage i can get my paws on... this has to stop... i always get myself in deep shit... but i always manage to dig my way out... but now, i'm tired... i have to... rest.....

hitback on the teflon issue... wanna change your mind?

2005-07-06T15:25:00.000+08:00

i take it back... i'm not teflon... i'm something else... i'm like one of those temporary tattoo or sticker products... 'coz now that i think of it, i practically adhere to most surfaces. given the ideal conditions and proper application... oh i'll stick alright... but rub me the wrong way, and i'm gone... apparently, the bad string has been here with me all along. and i was just either too blind or in so much denial to see it... it's monopoly all over again! and i'm tired of this game... i've been had, conned, used, misused, and abused quite a number of times that i could have a notable number of f*ckin' illegitimate bastards of my own! it seems that my level of extreme prejudice isn't enough... maybe it would be better if i permanently closed my doors... lock it... and throw away the key... panic room, i believe is the term... sanctuary... sanctuary!

and she was gone... by ginger foutley

2005-07-05T06:05:00.000+08:00

She chose to walk alone
Though others wondered why
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.
She didn't have companions
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were
Puppet strings.
She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.
She longed to be a flame,
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.
Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well.
She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

gay man's intuition...

2005-07-05T05:48:00.000+08:00

you saw the apparition yesterday, didn't you? and you were already counting on it... hehehe! the earlier one that you saw should've been a sure sign that yet another was to come... good thing you've slimmed down, and your mother was there to provide an alibi... but you would've said hi, right? chubby or not... and for the record: you're not mad... just so happened you saw a monster in the immediate area so your eyes didn't wander off elsewhere... ya hear?!

The Secret (Neo) Jutsu...

2005-07-04T18:39:00.000+08:00

seeing as how i am a Naruto enthusiast now... i have decided to develop my own Jutsu to be at my disposal... for those who are not familiar, a Jutsu is basically defined as an art or technique used in fighting... it may be classified into physical, mental/illusion, elemental, forbidden, secret, or stealth... i am proud to say that i have developed this Jutsu in only one day... and i have to admit that it is pretty effective in combat... this special Neo-Jutsu is called Kuchiyose Haryuu Muuko HALE no Jutsu... it is used strictly for teasing my boyfriend only... hehehe! you see... as i found out... he likes (has a crush) on Hale's lead singer (or so i presume)... hehehe! this Jutsu is considered to be highly advanced, but may be used by an experienced shinobi such as myself... hehehe! this one's for you Boinky... mwah!

and then the word Forever...

2005-07-04T18:33:00.000+08:00

what turned out to be a simple meeting for coffee proved to be a worthy leap. fast forward to 2 months later, and now you have 2 gay men who have found happiness, companionship, love... but most of all, each other. and although both of you are far from perfect separately... together, you're a shoe-in. minus all the minor misunderstandings and tiffs, it was a good 2 months... and then comes the word, "forever"... you ask yourself... how do you plan on forever? or even the next month for that matter? the way i see it, forever doesn't happen until it already has... the past 2 months certainly weren't premeditated or anything, but it has already come to pass... when i say forever, i see myself in bed... where everything is bright and white... the room would be lit by sunlight streaming from the clear windows. it would most probably be a beautiful summer's day... and there i'd be, with you... you, holding my hand while sitting at the side of my bed... and i, with my oxygen supply and dosage of morphine... we'd both be 70 or 80 something by then... and then i'd see you, just like you are now... with your rustled hair and 5 o'clock shadow... and we'd both look back at all the years we've been together... and i'd say, as i wipe a tear from your cheek... i have loved you all these years and it seemed like i've loved you forever, and i will love you forevermore. and as i close my eyes, and let go of everything, i stand true to what i said... because i will have nothing more to do but love you... forevermore...

the fountain of words...

2005-07-04T18:10:00.000+08:00

can you write about something even though you're happy with the way things are going in your life? i'd say, yes... but why is it that when you're sad, lonely, miserable, and depressed (poor unfortunate soul?), words just seem to flow right out in a steady stream? as sure as there is tap water at h0me, it just springs from your mind and vocabulary... now, i think technically it's because being miserable is m0re intense than happiness. and not in a good way... how many happy people do you know have taken another's life or their own? as elle said, "money creates endorphins, endorphins make you happy... happy people don't just kill their husbands..." see? having said that, let me get back to my point... i used to write almost every night back when i was "un"-happy... and now that i am, i feel like i'm stifling myself for not documenting what's going on... so now, i write... a simple change of mindset was all that i needed to produce written words that are mostly the extension of my emotions in cyberspace... so... carrie, a callback for you... you're needed in my head...

episode 3 - war of the species (man versus roaches): packaging tape and the magic palaspas...

2005-06-21T00:04:00.000+08:00

the land roaches came in more aggressive than ever. there was this one roach that seemed to charge at me, but i gladly introduced it to the sole of my slipper. they met and went... remember when i told you that my room wasn't roach proof? well, it's because the top part of the walls near the door are made up of wooden grills, so as to provide air circulation. air circulation my ass! it was cockroach public access central! those f*ckin' sons 'a b*tches were climbing the walls and gaining access via the wood grills! as if coming into my room uninvited under the door wasn't gruesome enough! i felt like i was bein' monitored by the roaches stationed on the grills. like scouts for an RPG, they give their comrades the 411 on the enemy, and that enemy was me... i was all ready for action... timecheck, 12:10 am... this is gonna be one long hell of a night, i can feel it... this time, 3 roaches came out of the woodwork. i was like, "what is this? a PC game with escalating levels of difficulty?" i felt like the prince of persia: the warrior within for pete's sake! and then... my handicap just got higher... from above, a roach came in. patroled the west wall and then strutted it's way on the ceiling beam... i was outraged by this insect behavior. never before in my life have i ever felt so violated by a six legged creepy crawly! there it was, high on the ceiling beam, walkin' slowly like it was the bride on the aisle of a church... i braced myself... took my right slipper... pulled up my shorts, and crouched... ready to pounce... the beam was 4 feet above me... but that would be no problem... i was a volleyball varsity in high school... and this is cake walk... when the roach was at about firing range, i charged like i was friggin' artamonova! one spike is all it takes... and *wham!*... as i descended from my jump, i watched the roach fall down beside me... lifeless... wingless... and about a tenth of an inch slimmer... there it goes... "one for the home team! woohoo!" but i couldn't celebrate just yet... 3 bogies, at 5 o'clock! i was like, "ohmyFUCKINGgod! paksyet!" and as quickly as i landed on my feet, i whacked 2 of them, and stomped the other into non-existence... i was getting tired of it... i felt like i was running completely on adrenalin... my body is drained, yet my mind is smart as a whip... i looked around me... i had tons'a magazines... scissors... and packaging tape... idea struck me just like macgyver would come up with another brilliant yet somehow superficial, overrated mechanism to save his ass from being blown up, drowned in acid, or simply from a river of fire ants... i can cover up the grills with the pages of the magazine taped together! genius! yet, a problem arose... how are you f*ckin' gonna cover those grills with those roaches on patrol? and before i could answer that, a roach came flying from the grill! and imagine my horror as i beheld that sight! for about 8 seconds there i lost my composure. and started to run my hands through my head in rapid succession as a crazy mental person would. and i knew that if i were a cartoon, a white streak would've appeared on my back... a chill went up my spine... that was the fright of my life! to have a cockroach land on me was even more terrifying than the sight of that posessed kid in the exorcist! it flew past me, and got very near to landing on my body towel! and i was like, "oh, no you don't!" i ran after it and struggled to smash it mid-flight. but alas, i didn't get the critter. it perched itself on 1 of the cabinet doors. and i missed it again... it took to the air once more, and i stood back, afraid that it might land on me... this time, it landed on the page of the Cosmo magazine. *gasp!* and even *triple gasp!* "now you've gone too far, bitch!" i tried to make it leave the magazine, and thank god it slid down to the floor. now, it was ready to be squihed. with al the passion that i have, i gave it one full smack! *squish!* and out the brains and insides came... i slid it back to its dead comrades... now, time to make that magazine barrier. as i went to work on it, the roaches seemed to have gone on union break, and were quiet for a while... the eerie atmosphere at 1am was enough to make me work double time on my solution... after finishing the first barrier, another wave of invasion began. this time, from all sides... (to be continued...)

episode 2 - attack of the roaches: when bad roaches go badder...

2005-06-21T00:02:00.000+08:00

i was already worried that i may have left my door open, and the roaches may have invaded my room... but apparently, i had to worry about getting to my room unscathed from the festering roaches first. on the wall of the staircase were 2 roaches, frolicking about like they were on a field trip. i was outnumbered and geographically cornered. if i was to face these 2 roaches head on, chances are, they're gonna fly straight unto my face, and i'd definitely scream... they have the higher ground. so... with a slipper on my right hand, and the Cosmo on the other, i made like a roman gladiator charging into battle... i strategically shielded my head with the Cosmo as i ran up the stairs with one foot bare. the 2 roaches have luckily separated, and 1 of them is conveniently loitering on the wall, left side of the stairs. sure as a knight's aim, and feeling ala lara croft, i whacked that cockroach on the wall as i passed by it, and i'm sure, the little bastard won't ever know what hit him. i got to my room safely enough... but for how long? the architecture of my room isn't exactly roach proof, nor is the main stair case that went through all the levels of the house... moments after i settled in my room, a r0ach came in by way of the space under the door. i was panic striken! it was like, a multi-million dollar company feels threathened by my existence and has sent russian assasins to take me out. only, in this version, the hired killers are about 2 inches in length, dark reddish brown in color, have antennas longer than their body length, and have wings... and can fly! and i should tell you, based on personal experience, the only thing worse than a cockroach... is a flying cockroach! 'coz they don't have a defined trajectory! and their flight pattern is really unusual... stupid ass roaches... so when that roach came in, i approached it with the courage of a lioness. smashed it with one blow and sent it sliding back under the door. i sat down on my bed to read the Cosmo, but a couple of pages into it, another roach came in! whacked it... and sent it back. it was like that for several times, until 2 of 'em came in at the same time. and i was like, "so, twins huh?!" with a slipper on my right hand and my left foot geared for roach stumping, i delivered a combo move that would have street fighter arcade characters coming to me and begging for my tutelage. the ones that came by land were easy enough to deal with... a little stomp here and a little whack there was all it took. but i was about to find out that these roaches were really out to get me... either they were getting smarter, or i smell conspiracy... hmmm...

episode 1 - starship trooper in sampaloc...

2005-06-21T00:01:00.000+08:00

dateline: between the hours of 11pm and 2am, night of june 16th, prudencio street, sampaloc, manila... there i was, 2nd fl0or of the h0use, on the phone with my hubby... feeling a bit under the weather, yet still managing to smile and giggle while talkin' with my boyfriend... while giving meg ryan's detoxification grotesque look in the movie "when a man loves a woman" a run for its money, i was taken aback by what seemed to be a small creature that bounced on the door where i was stationed. first thought that came to mind, "oh god! that was a small mouse..." that was my immediate reaction because i saw a small mouse scavenging the rim of the trash bin just across where i was sitting. and then, as i followed the creature's form settle down by the stairs, i was horrified by the truth that unfolded in front of my eyes! it wasn't a small mouse... it was something worse... it was a cockroach! i nearly shrieked like a little school girl while holding the phone receiver with my boyfriend, rhoger, on the other end. i immediately grabbed right slipper, while uttering the tongue-twister version of profanities that would make the pope's hair stand on end. i swung at the dirty little bastard. i hit it and got a pair of its wings detached. but still, it flew a few inches and landed near the trash bin. another rapid fire of modified swearing filled the general area. i was the sight of a mad man, while trying to pulverize that roach into smitherines... a few missed hits and a couple of bull's eye whacks, and there you go ladies and gentlemen... a dead roach. i knew the commotion would wake up my cousin whose room was on the other side of the door. she opened the door, and with a half-smile half-laugh expression, asked, "what are you doing?" i came back with, "i just killed a cockroach!" then she says, "i thought you said, 'though shall not kill'?" "but it's a flying cockroach! this is different! a flying cockroach is a different story!", was my reply... she smiled and giggled a bit, and was ab0ut to cl0se the door when she bid me good night. i said good night too, and then she asked me if i was done reading this month's issue of Cosmopolitan. i told her i just skimmed it, then turned to the direction of a familiar sound of small flapping insect wings. she handed me the Cosmo and i placed it on top of the fridge, then once again said, "good night"... all the while, rhoger was audio-witness. i told rhoger that the roach got my adrenaline pumping and my heart was beating so fast. just then, another roach appears, and the air was filled with the sound of profanity once more. i killed it with one whack. and i started to get the feeling there's more where that came from... and true enough, another 1 emerges from the steel drawer. then i blurted out, "they're coming out everywhere!", as i was still talking to rhoger at that time. i even had to put the receiver down a couple of times just to whack a cockroach on the wall. after quite a few roach manifestations, i finally said, "rhoger, can we put the phone down for now? the roaches are everywhere!" rhoger, being the understanding boyfriend that he is, thought it would be best to do so. he even told me to just "run" to my room. so we said goodbye, and i put the phone down... but something tells me i won't be able to rest just yet...

carrie invades my brain... again... and she's welcome!

2005-06-20T23:48:00.000+08:00

when the creme brulee goes stale (with carrie's voice inside my head) well, carrie's back... back from the slumber that seemed to rust her fingernails from resting so long... the first half of the year has been quite interesting... met a lot of new people... been to quite a few places... and, had sex in some rather "public" locations... it's almost like a summer flick with all the good elements all thrown in together and blended into your life for the past 6 months... it's saucy, steamy, and filled with lotsa hot details... almost like halo-halo for a gay man's soul... and then comes one of the special halo-halo toppings... the custard... or, should i say, creme brulèè... that one part where the sweetness and pleasure is just so right, that it's almost too good to be true... there it is, staring back at you, as you spoon it from your plate. and with one swift motion, it's in your mouth, and you savor it... and chew it with the slowness that would defy the multi-high speed camera motion capture technique used in the matrix... and for a moment there, you hear birds singing and bells ringing, just like what it says in the song. and that, for you... was bliss. that there could actually be something so good for you to eat and not make you feel guilty about eating it... or make you regret eating it. nor make you feel that you shouldn't be eating it... not an ounce of hesitation exists in your mind. and you enjoy your creme brulèè... and decide to have a whole serving of it... just it... just a whole plate of creamy, delicious, good looking creme brulèè. and you enjoy your serving. you happily take a teaspoonfull of the dessert, and each time you take that bite, you make that unconscious sound in your mind that goes, "mmm"... after you've had your first serving, you feel like you've had your fill, but you feel you may need another serving... so you ring that little dinner bell, and as your server arrives, you say, "my good man, may i have another serving of that creme brulee... please..." your server nods, turns back and flees to the kitchen, and personally garnishes your order. a few flicks of an eyelash later, he returns... holding in his right hand, your second serving of creme brulèè... you see it, and think to yourself, "immaculate"... or is it? as it is placed in front of you, you ready your utensil, and start to poke at it almost as soon as your server disengages himself from the plate. this, ladies and gentlemen is your second serving... first two bites, and you already know... there's something wrong with this picture... i should be wanting this since i decided to order it. but, could it be that all that sweetness and rich flavor has bored your tongue to numbness? is it possible that you've had too much of a good thing? 'coz when all the while you should be having the time of your life with your dessert, you suddenly say, "stale". and while you see other people looking at what you have and you know that in their minds they're saying, "owh, that's creme brulèè", how come you're just so ready to send that plate back flying into the kitchen. and right there, mid-way thru a bite, you look around you and you see a table with some tiramizu... to your right, blueberry cheesecake... and far left, the ever familiar strawberry sundae. and you give that off-hand comment right in front of your creme brulèè, you say, "nice". well that's not right. but you just feel that you've had it with creme brulèè. it doesn't satisfy you anymore. no more tingling sensation... then you say that ever ominous line of yours, "somethin's wrong"... you even declare, "it's not working for me anymore"... and at this point, ladies and gentlemen, we're not talking about dessert anymore...

feeling tanned

2005-06-20T23:46:00.000+08:00

i am searching for the perfect tan... that golden brown glow on your face that would look so good with your fashion 21 bronzer that you purchased almost a year ago. haha! last monday was a pathetic attempt to get a tan. standing topless on the front lawn, dripping wet from the chest up, with conditioner on your hair at 4:45 pm will get you nowhere near the word, "tanned"... so, the words "tanning bed" come to mind, in the manner of a scrolling marquee, like those that you see in most pinoyster, myspace, and downelink accounts... but apparently, not even belo medical group has a tanning bed. alternatives? the airbrush tanning in belo's ortigas branch at 18 hundred bucks a pop. you think, mid-way do-able and steep for a tan that may only last for a week. i've read about that kind of sun-less tanning online, and with my regimen, chances are, that tan will be no more in less than 4 days. so what do we do? get that f*ckin' tan the old fashioned way... and while the threats of skin cancer, premature skin aging, and photo damage flash with bright neon lights in my mind... i say out loud, "tomorrow, i'm gonna bake myself in the sun". acquire a longer lasting tan in the comforts of your own home... with free skin complications at no extra cost. bright idea, jason... very bright...

quoted then expanded

2005-06-20T23:44:00.000+08:00

"illusions are dangerous people... they have no flaws..." - sabrina

do you have an illusion? a high school crush perhaps? or the boy next door? then heed what you have been told. you may want something all your life... and when it is finally within your reach... it won't seem such an illusion after all... anti-climactic as it is... but true. you realize that your illusion is just human after all... as frail and as hopeless as you are... and then you wake up. and you no longer find yourself in the enchanted party... finally... the young lady has grown up...

the voice within

2005-06-20T23:22:00.000+08:00

how nice...
people get to know me...
the voice is really something i think i should take care of...
i don't want to miss it someday and regret not taking care of it...
if 5 octaves isn't enough of a gift...
i don't know what is...

shards of glass in your balls

2005-06-13T12:49:00.000+08:00

another excerpt from rex... man! i can't write other stuff with him playing in my head! i can't even write with Me in my head! hehehe! but for the sake of fun... here he goes... hope you guys enjoy it as much as i did...

you know who i really feel sorry for? the rich... i really feel sorry for the rich... i have a lot of sympathy for the rich... because if you look at the way the rich live in the philippines, who are the minority... there's not a lot of them so we can adopt some... there's not a lot, okay? they don't live in homes, unlike just the masses. the masses, you can see their homes, y'know? you could see where they live. but you can't see where the rich live. they live in a home surrounded by a fortress. usually these fortresses are like walls, ten foot high, made of brick, made of something really strong some kind of stone... man, that must be some hard livin' huh? that's tough, man. y'know, they've gotta keep their shit intact. that's the problem with being rich in the philippines. but a lot of them don't get robbed. let me share the highest security technique in the philippines when it comes to protecting your shit. at the top of those ten foot high stone walls... broken glass... (crowd laughs) embedded in quick dry cement... ain't that a trip, man? damn man! imagine, there there are kidnap attempts that are foiled by broken glass?

(a man with military sounding voice on 2 way radio in poor Filipino-English accent) eagle 1, eagle 1, this is eagle 2, are we ready to commence mission?
(another man with military sounding voice on 2 way radio in poor Filipino-English accent) yes, eagle 1 this is eagle 2. we are ready to commence mission!
(crowd laughs)
(third man giving orders on 2 way radio with the same accent) okay everybody, eagle 1, eagle 2 forces, quickly go over the wall! Putang Ina! there's glass!
(crowd laughs)
there's a glass in my balls!
(crowd laughs)
abort mission! back to the nest, back to the nest! abort mission!
(crowd laughs and claps)

that's what you get... shards of glass in your nuts... it's fucked up! (laughs)

red isn't the new brown

2005-06-13T12:38:00.000+08:00

hey! can anyone tell me how to get a permanent tan? i mean... i think i like it better when i'm all tanned and browned up... i dunno... been pasty white for almost all my life anyways... let' try spending the rest of it with classic kayumanggi.

well, i'll be darned!

2005-06-12T19:40:00.000+08:00

way to go on pickin' a date to repost in your blog... june 12th... nice... hehehe!

laughin' my funny ass off

2005-06-12T19:19:00.000+08:00

the past few days, i've been addicted to the stand up comedy antics of Rex Navarette... a Fil-American guy who takes "putang ina" to another level... been up to my neck in iMesh downloads and been nursing my eyebags and pimple breakouts like hell just to get more of his clips... well, they're all worth the stress anyways... SBC Packers is a classic one for me... and then there's this bit about Lola's Rosary (hehehe) that's a keeper... and that one about StarShip Troopers... i'll be paraphrasing, but here's the way it mostly goes...

i was watching StarShip Troopers, and i was... i liked the movie... i thought it was cool...

*gunfire sound*
(army guy voice) they're all over us!
*more gunfire sound*
(army guy voice) aarrggghhh!!!!

you know? and then someone told me that in the original novel, 1959 StarShip Troopers written by Robert Heinland (spellcheck please) , the original... that the lead character, Johnny Rico was Filipino, did you know that? but in the movie they re-wrote him to be from Buenos Aires... como es ta mos! (audience giggles) c'mon man... if he was Filipino, that movie would've been cut in half! because, who better to destroy big ass roaches than a Filipino? (crowd laughs out loud) yeah? yeah? you agree? right? it's true...

*gunfire sound*
(army guy voice) they're all over us!
*gunfire sound*
(semi-wimpy voice in poor English-Filipino accent) don't worry, Johnny's here... i got my big tsinelas.
*whapack*
patay!
*whapooosh*
patay!
*kapooosh*
patay! game over! roll the credits! roll the credits!

(crowd goes wild)

a new leash on Pride

2005-06-12T19:12:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna try and post Blogs every now and then from now on... (that sounded like a mouthful and a bit gramatically confusing, i know) but hey! this is my Blog, so F*ckin' lay off okay? hehehe! just kiddin'...
i have just been baptized into the japanese society...
yeah... i found out that my english name means something i would never have expected, knowing me, that is... wanna see? wanna see? here...

My japanese name is 山田 Yamada (mountain field) 駿 Shun (fast person).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

2005-04-14T10:57:00.000+08:00

The first time, we were in college...
You asked me out on a date, and I said "yes, later, when school's over for the summer".
You were happy with that for a moment but the next moment you wanted more.

"I'll wait for you after class, ok?" you told me.
"My last class is until nine."
"I'll wait."
"Why?"
"So I can walk you home."
"Why?"
"So I can make sure you're all right."

And you waited until nine that night and many more T-Th-S(Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday) nights afterwards. Until almost every night, you were already "walking me home", which actually meant we had to take two jeepney rides and an LRT ride together. At around 11:00 p.m., after you've said good night to my parents, you'd take another three jeepney rides (because the LRT had closed). You'd get to your home at past midnight.

Seven hours later, we'd see each other again at school, and you'd smile at me as if you had enough sleep, and I'd smile back as if I hadn't stayed up wondering if you were ok.

The hundredth time, I was in Makati. I was getting used to my first job and you were gettting used to yours. I thought graduation meant we would soon have to break up and either try to be friends or try to forget about each other. When you had to work and live in Cavite, I knew in my heart that everything would soon be over. But it was never over because you called me one lunch time and said,"I'll pick you up."
So from Cavite to Makati you came, then to Parañaque to make sure I made it home all right. You called each lunch time afterwards and made that seven-hour trip each evening to bring me home safely and then get back home to your place. My friends made me realize that not all boyfriends do the things you do. My mom made me realize you would take care of me for the rest of my life.

The three thousandth time, we were married. And now you weren't just picking me up anymore. In the mornings you would drive me first to my office before driving on to yours. You endured each hour I spent in the bathroom putting on makeup, patiently looked over the clothes I kept pulling out of the closet, ignoring each memo from your boss that told you to come in earlier. In the afternoon you still waited for me (in a car this time, so no more jeepneys), ready to make sure we got home to our baby safely.

The last time, I think we'd be really, really old...Our kids would all be grown up with families of their own and you would've lost your hair and I would've lost my 24-inchwaistline. On that day, the sun will be shining, but I'll be crying because the doctor will tell me there's nothing more they can do for you. I will see your calm face as they cover you with a white blanket and for a moment I will think, "Who's gonna make sure I get home all right?"

But then, in that hospital room, I will suddenly look up, and you'd be there beside me looking as cute as when we were in college.
"Come on," you will tell me.
"Let's walk home together."
And I will take your hand, stand by your side and together we'll walk away from that hospital room.
And that will be the last time, because from then on...
you wouldn't need to lookafter me...
because we'll never have to leave home again.

credits go to my KNYG yahoogroup and mister iremolar person guy... (hehehe!)

the recipe to falling in love... (a gay man's cookbook to swooning with delight)

2004-09-18T14:05:00.000+08:00

if you are one who dares to search for THE one, then it might be plausible to spice up your love hunt and in the process, avoid any bland outcomes. you start off with a fresh batch of men. the most appetizing produce of the farm, and God's gift to women. select wisely and sensibly. good men are plump... soft to the touch. clean. ripe enough. and generate high levels of endorphins in you when you get a whiff of their scent. generally, these are standards used in picking good men. but you may still have other qualities in mind. say, you're more inclined to getting the tall, dark, and handsome kind. that's okay. there's also the fair skinned head turner, the average height chinito, the suave brunette, sophisticated red head, dreamy blue eyed blonde, or (my favorite) the lean, younger, shaved head, bohemian. whatever your preference is, get them early before they run out of stock. now, let's talk preparation. the best way to prepare them is the friendly set up. common friend introduces guy, and then you and guy click. easy to prepare. but there's also the direct approach. say, you see guy, introduce yourself, you meet guy, you ask guy out, and you click. a bit tricky with the introduction part, but it still falls under the DIY section. after preparing them, decide how you want them... rare, medium, or well done? like saying... one night stand, fling, or relationship material. you can never say how this will turn out. because the thing with every recipe, is that there's always an uncontrolled ingredient... emotions. that however you measure everything else down to the last cubic drop... emotions will, and always be the deciding factor of your end product. a one night stand can easily turn out into a fling if both parties entertain the idea that they like each other. and a fling may abruptly end, either due to outside forces or mutual decisions. a relationship on the other hand, requires the most work. let's say, you have a mutual understanding with the guy. you still have to add a few herbs and flavors to maintain the flame of attraction. it is always best to sprinkle this with a pinch of suspense. a dash of excitement. half a cup of endearment. a spoonfull of sweetness. an ounce of spontaneity. tossed with respect, trust, and care. and seasoned with a generous amount of love to taste. remember to stir vigorously. once ingredients are mixed in equal proportions, set aside for at least a day, and select cooking method for desired results. there's baking, frying, boiling, steaming, or even preserving. and if you're the adventurous type, how about jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire? flambe style...

karmic retribution and the love monkey...

2004-09-18T14:04:00.000+08:00

it was the night of the recital. my friends and i had a very stressful yet fun and exciting day. all the students, fortunately, performed within the parameters of our and the audience's expectations. although there were minor mishaps here and there, (like one of the confetti poppers not going off) the entire program ran considerably well. my friend's boyfriend came from out of town just to see the show. he brought someone with him. someone that fitted my idea of charming and cute. apparently, i wasn't the only one who had the same standards. and although i didn't mind... i was nevertheless a bit pissed by the whole situation. having someone hog the spotlight was really a bitch, but i've always known how to handle these situations. keep a low profile, appear uninterested, feign ignorance, play it cool, and ride the wave when it comes. i was never someone who would compete when it comes to attention. and yet some people can't get enough of it. even when they're tall, dark, and curly. enough for the circus to enlist him for whatever talents he may possess and the ginormous ego that comes with it. i was on the sidelines, he was front row center. that night, he was. if there's something that i started believing in these past few months... it is the existence of karma. not in the form that, they'll get what's coming to them... but, in the sense that, i'll reap what i sow mantra. i was silent for a night, and then glowing for a week. it so happened that my friend who celebrated his birthday the dreaded morning after, had a very cute friend. (emphasis on the cute) a cross breed between giovanni ribisi and the face of a santo niño. heavenly indeed. i was more than excited to welcome the thought of him and me being a c0uple. until he scooted over to my side, talked to me, and held my hand for the rest of our drinks, (fingers laced, mind you!) and then, i was in euphoria. totally surprised by the gesture, i was dumbfounded with a full grin on my face. and although our moments were shortlived, because of his low alcohol tolerance... i was contented enough to have him as the object of my affection for the weeks to come. that was guy number one. but i had another reason to smile... a prospective boyfriend from my hometown happens to be in a job training seminar near the city where i was based. i couldn't be any happier. and nothing can keep us apart now... well, except maybe the bad weather, his seminar schedule, and a 200 buck cab ride. other than that, nothing is gonna keep me away from this guy and possibly getting to second base with him when we go out. it took every ounce of my will power and courage to ask him out. and it was effort well spent. so, 2 guys at the same time? they're in different area codes. and even if they were in the same place, i'd still handle them simultaneously. i was never really good at multi tasking in the work place. but if this would be considered under that category, then count me in. i can juggle five men with one hand tied behind my back. i was man-less for one night. and now, i have two men with a shelf life that would defy my magazine collection. do i hear it now? karmic retribution at its finest. let those who give in to their own illussions be left at that.

2004-09-09T02:35:00.000+08:00

now i'm almost over you...
i've almost shook these blues...
so when you come back around...
after painting the town...
you'll see i'm almost over you...

i'll close my book on angels... and open my manual on saints...

2004-08-31T01:23:00.000+08:00

now that i have you, everything just seems so right...now that i have you, i'm alive...
thank you for coming into my life, thank you for showing me that there's still hope left in my heart... thank you for making me believe in the magic of love once more... i may not have told you face to face... but, i do love you...
you are the song that i've been singing my whole life through...i'm living in a brighter world, now that i have you...
thank you for picking me up when the chips are down... just when i was so burned from someone else... thank you for taking me as i am, and not for who you wanted me to be... thank you for seeing me as myself, and not as you're idea of who i should be. i love you... and most of all... i'll remember, whenever i see you... that there's an infinite amount of love available to me, and i'll see it in you. i'll remember that everything i need i already have, and whatever i don't have will come to me when i'm ready to receive it...

2004-08-31T01:17:00.000+08:00

you don't hold me anymore... i saw you're face and i don't give a rat's ass! but i just saw you last weekend, and i got so weak in the knees... but i swear, the next time i see you again... i'll walk right past you like nothing was there...

currently invoked mantras for the past week...

2004-08-09T09:27:00.000+08:00

currently invoked mantras for the past week...
1. an upgraded version of my ohmyGOD moments: oh my F*cking GOD!!!
2. a rejoinder to a comment or conviction: actually...
3. to express awe or disbelief: ahy, really?
4. to greet invites or potential clientels (note that this is applicable any time of day): good morning, sir/ma'm!
5. to invite someone: it's some kind of a business thing...
6. 'nuff said for this one: ang pangit na n'ya oh! tingnan mo! ang pangit na n'ya! swear!