cold summer nights... (with Carrie's voice inside my head)

it's but another summer that i've got in my hands... and i am yet again faced with a multitude of dilemmas that i have encountered the summer before... there's physical condition, which includes the skin tone, facial care, and body mass reduction... next is the wardrobe management, sounds nice doesn't it? but it's actually a bitch. this year i had to keep a diary of what i wore, when and where i wore it. i have always been conscious and careful not to repeat, or let's say, not to wear an outfit that i wore two weeks prior. i'm meticulous with circulation... then there's financial aid. unlike last year when i still had an ATM account, this summer i'm scrambling for bucks. at least with the ATM account, i had a sure 1,000 pesos to support myself. plus, i think i saved up some money before the summer came. and! last year i had a paying gig, and that was nice... anyway, money is really a big factor for me. both for personal consumption and security reasons. i really can't go out without at least 500 on me. you know what i mean? and with the economic drought that i'm experiencing right now, i have to think of more ways to come up with the money. correction... new reasons to ask your parents for money... hey! it's not as bad as it sounds you know... i mean... i do occasionally feel bad and guilty and everything when i ask for money... but what am i supposed to do? i have to go out... and, well... i guess, it's true what the people in showbiz talkshows said... you have to keep your status. real bummer! i mean, i'm not even a celebrity yet, and i'm already faced with this conundrum! it's one thing to keep up appearances, it's another to keep your status. i shouldn't even be doing this right now... i'm supposed to be looking forward to my OJT's, not plan the whole summer! well, at least my birthday's coming up, that ought to get me some cash... and that's not all that's drying up with me nowadays... my sex life is also experiencing some depression as well... a bi-product of my economic fluctuation. let's face it, for a gay man to get some in this town, it's all 'bout the money... at least that's what to say with the one nighters... but it's not all there is... the love department is also under a dry spell... i mean, what is wrong with me? have i become undesirable? not that i was, to begin with. but it's just downright frustrating... i know that my friends are getting it on with some anonymous people, but what about me? the big green monster appears... i know it's not right to be jealous... but it's how i feel... and it's lonely to be this way... i don't even have anyone to think of! not one! well, maybe there is one... but he's just a friend! actually, that's not it... you're not romantically linked to him yet! and i guess the fact that he's someone else's catch also bags it as well... i am in such a pity mode right now, that i'm considering going down low... how low? like colby low! i know, i know! it's too low, even for li'l ol' deppresed me... and my body isn't exactly in tip-top shape right now, so i guess that keeps my libido at bay too... but thinkin' about the summers that came before makes me see how bad this summer is for me... actually, it hasn't been so great a year either... this year stinks! looking at all this right now... it just hit me... maybe it's just a phase, maybe things will look up... i can only hope, unless i want to stay in a retirement home 50 years early... and there, it struck... retirement home... i have always feared growing old alone. and now i'm alone, at a young age. i'm supposed to be in my prime. i'm not supposed to be like this... and then it got me thinkin'... how long will these cold summer nights last? in this life or any other, you have to get the basics straight before you get your luxuries. you cannot indulge yourself until you get everything done... i guess that's just what i have to do... straighten up... with no pun intended...