do you know where you're going to?

remember that techno song from ab0ut 5 years ago? the one with the chorus that goes like, "do you think you're better off alone?" i'm unfamiliar with the particulars of that song... however, i can recall it's quite catchy and engaging back in it's glory days. objective aspects aside, that particular part of the song says a lot about me these days. it makes me wonder, am i the biggest shithead in history? i had it going for me... everything was as good as it gets... it was all served on a silver platter...

what probably was the best thing that ever and will ever happen to you, you just (in his words) threw it all away.

i can't help but wipe this ridiculous droplet of salty liquid streaming down my right cheek.

it pains me to even recall what happened. and i never even mean for any of it to happen... i was scared. that's the single most accurate word i can conjure up in my defense.

there's a throbbing uneasiness in my chest. and my eyes get hazy every now and then.

this is a very low point for you... you hear his voice, asking you to reconsider. and suddenly he makes a very good point in his argument... why ARE you willing to just throw it all away?

you close your eyes to hold back the tears.

and you answer, while in the coldness of the solitude that is your dark bedroom... i don't know.

and you hear a female voice... "think about it really hard... and when you decide, make sure that's what you really want... and just hope that it's not too late."

too... late.

what will you do? if it's too late? well, you're a stupid jerk anyways, that's why you're asking all these questions... that's why you're writing all these words.

you brace yourself for the truth.

i was scared of letting you down.

i was scared that i wouldn't be able to give you what you need.

i was scared of committing.

i was scared that i wouldn't live up to your expectations.

scared of what the future holds.

scared... of responsibility.

and now, i realize... that i'm even more scared... that i might just have lost what i, deep down, really hold dearest.

it's a gay man's folly.

he who is afraid to break his own heart, has unintentionally broken someone else's... and upon realizing so, gets heartbroken himself... and now, he bears the pain of two shattered hearts. this is how bachelors are born... they eventually evolve into players... then, to trysexuals... to ice queens... and then, to bitter old fags.