releasing the ghost...

i have often wondered when this day would come... when i'd be able to resist his charm and say what i feel right in his face. i imagined it being a day of reckoning... when i'd be dressed to kill and he'd be telling himself that he's letting go of someone so exquisite and timeless. well, that day did c0me. and it was n0w. alth0ugh it wasn't exactly h0w i pictured it would be, at least the day came. i certainly didn't picture it to be half past noon, with my hair messed up, and my not so perfect body and face just sitting there in front of him while holding a stick of cigarette, for which i would be critized for. he just happened to be there... of all the days for me to get a hair rebonding appointment! he was there! and i was suddenly... trapped. in between me trying to think of what to say and trying not to stutter, i still managed to feign ignorance. i was in fight or flee mode. and i'm so glad i decided to fight... among the not so many meaningful words we had to say for each other, the most mortifying words were those of him leaving the country... i saw myself in carrie's shoes. and how perfectly good shoes they were... the manolo blahnik variation. i've seen it once or twice. moonriver in the background... pizza on the pile of boxes... an empty apartment... and an echoing voice saying he'll be leaving for california... my very own Mr. Big... and my new york would never be the same without him. he owes it to us that we should have a proper farewell whenever the time comes. and by US, i mean him and me. how could i have lost him for the better part of six months, and now he'll be gone for the rest of my life? once again... life sucks... MY life... had we not talked, would he have told me? had we not seen each other, would he have even left me a note? and then, somehow it wasn't as bad that i got to see him for, hell who knows? maybe the last time... the last i'll see him would be the first time i'll ever say i love him. for it is in love's parting that i find comfort and security. however, if i have to say a th0usand, even a million times, that i do love him, i'd do it... in a new york minute. i am unreasonably mad... and i know who to unreasonably take it out on. on he whose name shall never be spoken in this house ever again. the one that they call a monstrosity. a literal and metaphorical pig. he's been meddling around my business for quite some time now. and i'd have to say, i don't like it. he just wouldn't take a hint, and always manages to get in the way of lover's love. if they say, all mankind love a lover... then may the gods have pity on his G.D. soul. unreasonable? yes. pointless? no. i stand for anyone else whose affairs he has trampled upon. but enough of the pig talk. i just know in my heart... WE would have made a great couple. and by WE... you know who i mean... it's been a blast with him. though i may have played the role of emotional dirtbag with him, i don't think i'd wish it all away. before the day was over, i had every intention of letting him go. but, after last night... i just can't. it was real. all of it. in fact, it was so real... that i just can't bring myself to let go. and then, i found myself back to square one. playing the old game of hide and seek with him. making me consider search and destroy instead. to stand in his gaze, is like a moth flying around a candle. the irresistible light, yet impending doom. i am seduced, although i know he's bad for me... in ALL ways! he's bad for me in good times more over with the bad! he is an ANGEL in the devil's sportscar.