episode 3 - war of the species (man versus roaches): packaging tape and the magic palaspas...

the land roaches came in more aggressive than ever. there was this one roach that seemed to charge at me, but i gladly introduced it to the sole of my slipper. they met and went... remember when i told you that my room wasn't roach proof? well, it's because the top part of the walls near the door are made up of wooden grills, so as to provide air circulation. air circulation my ass! it was cockroach public access central! those f*ckin' sons 'a b*tches were climbing the walls and gaining access via the wood grills! as if coming into my room uninvited under the door wasn't gruesome enough! i felt like i was bein' monitored by the roaches stationed on the grills. like scouts for an RPG, they give their comrades the 411 on the enemy, and that enemy was me... i was all ready for action... timecheck, 12:10 am... this is gonna be one long hell of a night, i can feel it... this time, 3 roaches came out of the woodwork. i was like, "what is this? a PC game with escalating levels of difficulty?" i felt like the prince of persia: the warrior within for pete's sake! and then... my handicap just got higher... from above, a roach came in. patroled the west wall and then strutted it's way on the ceiling beam... i was outraged by this insect behavior. never before in my life have i ever felt so violated by a six legged creepy crawly! there it was, high on the ceiling beam, walkin' slowly like it was the bride on the aisle of a church... i braced myself... took my right slipper... pulled up my shorts, and crouched... ready to pounce... the beam was 4 feet above me... but that would be no problem... i was a volleyball varsity in high school... and this is cake walk... when the roach was at about firing range, i charged like i was friggin' artamonova! one spike is all it takes... and *wham!*... as i descended from my jump, i watched the roach fall down beside me... lifeless... wingless... and about a tenth of an inch slimmer... there it goes... "one for the home team! woohoo!" but i couldn't celebrate just yet... 3 bogies, at 5 o'clock! i was like, "ohmyFUCKINGgod! paksyet!" and as quickly as i landed on my feet, i whacked 2 of them, and stomped the other into non-existence... i was getting tired of it... i felt like i was running completely on adrenalin... my body is drained, yet my mind is smart as a whip... i looked around me... i had tons'a magazines... scissors... and packaging tape... idea struck me just like macgyver would come up with another brilliant yet somehow superficial, overrated mechanism to save his ass from being blown up, drowned in acid, or simply from a river of fire ants... i can cover up the grills with the pages of the magazine taped together! genius! yet, a problem arose... how are you f*ckin' gonna cover those grills with those roaches on patrol? and before i could answer that, a roach came flying from the grill! and imagine my horror as i beheld that sight! for about 8 seconds there i lost my composure. and started to run my hands through my head in rapid succession as a crazy mental person would. and i knew that if i were a cartoon, a white streak would've appeared on my back... a chill went up my spine... that was the fright of my life! to have a cockroach land on me was even more terrifying than the sight of that posessed kid in the exorcist! it flew past me, and got very near to landing on my body towel! and i was like, "oh, no you don't!" i ran after it and struggled to smash it mid-flight. but alas, i didn't get the critter. it perched itself on 1 of the cabinet doors. and i missed it again... it took to the air once more, and i stood back, afraid that it might land on me... this time, it landed on the page of the Cosmo magazine. *gasp!* and even *triple gasp!* "now you've gone too far, bitch!" i tried to make it leave the magazine, and thank god it slid down to the floor. now, it was ready to be squihed. with al the passion that i have, i gave it one full smack! *squish!* and out the brains and insides came... i slid it back to its dead comrades... now, time to make that magazine barrier. as i went to work on it, the roaches seemed to have gone on union break, and were quiet for a while... the eerie atmosphere at 1am was enough to make me work double time on my solution... after finishing the first barrier, another wave of invasion began. this time, from all sides... (to be continued...)