my life, or something like it (with carrie's voice inside my head)

strange... i finally have a guy of my own. and yet... i don't feel the butterflies. i mean, unlike how i feel for another particular person. i used to complain about not having anyone, and now that i do, i'm still not content. there is no pleasing me! when i'm with him, there's the pretense of sex, and the undertone of goods. and i don't think that's what i really want. when i'm with him, yes, i can be sweet, but i'm a bit uncomfortable myself. and i guess it's because he has a significant other, and i'm just the toy that comes with the happy meal. again! i'm the toy! but aren't happy meals bought because of the toy? well, whaddya know?! i guess that's not so bad, now, is it? but, that's not the point. fact is, i don't have him a hundred percent. and i guess, that's just it. i don't know if i can start a relationship with him. i don't know if i can function like this. i'm too young for this sort of arrangement! pros and cons... i don't think i can bring him in our social gatherings. his language skills aren't exactly top shelf. point?! we're in different classes. i need someone who can understand me when i rant in another language! although... he smells fairly good. neat enough. tall enough. package size is ok. he's a kisser. not that good, but, is. tongue ring is a major pro! however... there's just something missing. i may have compromised with the looks. he's cute, but only enough. i'm the type who goes for a looker. he's younger! i always thought i'd be the younger half in a couple. i haven't met any of his friends. our sack session needs an upgrade! i'm the one who does the work. and i'm not really cut out for that. but i guess, most of the cons that i listed pertain to me being able to show him off. and according to international dating guidelines, showing off is just luck, not love. but what can i do? the compromise has affected my butterflies as well. my attraction to him may have been lessened by the fact that we already did the deed. and looking at it, i compromised myself. sure, he was the boy next door type. and i guess, what i thought i wanted wasn't really what i wanted. and now, i guess it's true. you don't get all that you need just from one man. u get sex from tonie. humor from chebong. chemistry from neric. companionship from wewen. flirting from tom, mark, and paolo. and then of course, torture from jed. would it be possible to find a man encompassing all cons and possess all the pros? when it comes to finding the ideal man... is it possible to find all your ideals? i have never felt so self-absorbed and conceited in my life. but what's a girl to do? getting what we want has always been the foreword in any quasi-relationship wannabe set up. and now, here you go meeting another guy. a total hottie, but the question is... is he exclusive for bed use only? or can you wear him and show him off in public just like a brand new engagement ring? this is going thru your head, all the while you're boyfriend in question is not five feet from you. a terrible act... maybe. but justifiable? definitely. and then you go back to the question... single and fabulous? or dating and miserable? i think the more enticing option would be, dating and fabulous, however unlikely it would be to say of you. unlikely, but possible. and now here it comes, you think that you may have the "zsa zsa zu", but when you take a deeper look, you're just downright lonely and looking for company. company that may come in the form of a particular boy who will help you divert your attention to something else because you want to forget someone. someone who has hurt you a lot. but that wasn't your original M.O. so, if you do get it going with this guy, what are the chances that you'll just be relationship road kill in the not so distant future? will you take the plunge and find out? or will you retreat to the safety of your comfort zone? you've been burned one too many times to even consider the plunge. and yet, at the back of your mind, you know the only way to go is forward. you... are back... to square 1.