my life, or something like it (with carrie's voice inside my head)

strange... i finally have a guy of my own. and yet... i don't feel the butterflies. i mean, unlike how i feel for another particular person. i used to complain about not having anyone, and now that i do, i'm still not content. there is no pleasing me! when i'm with him, there's the pretense of sex, and the undertone of goods. and i don't think that's what i really want. when i'm with him, yes, i can be sweet, but i'm a bit uncomfortable myself. and i guess it's because he has a significant other, and i'm just the toy that comes with the happy meal. again! i'm the toy! but aren't happy meals bought because of the toy? well, whaddya know?! i guess that's not so bad, now, is it? but, that's not the point. fact is, i don't have him a hundred percent. and i guess, that's just it. i don't know if i can start a relationship with him. i don't know if i can function like this. i'm too young for this sort of arrangement! pros and cons... i don't think i can bring him in our social gatherings. his language skills aren't exactly top shelf. point?! we're in different classes. i need someone who can understand me when i rant in another language! although... he smells fairly good. neat enough. tall enough. package size is ok. he's a kisser. not that good, but, is. tongue ring is a major pro! however... there's just something missing. i may have compromised with the looks. he's cute, but only enough. i'm the type who goes for a looker. he's younger! i always thought i'd be the younger half in a couple. i haven't met any of his friends. our sack session needs an upgrade! i'm the one who does the work. and i'm not really cut out for that. but i guess, most of the cons that i listed pertain to me being able to show him off. and according to international dating guidelines, showing off is just luck, not love. but what can i do? the compromise has affected my butterflies as well. my attraction to him may have been lessened by the fact that we already did the deed. and looking at it, i compromised myself. sure, he was the boy next door type. and i guess, what i thought i wanted wasn't really what i wanted. and now, i guess it's true. you don't get all that you need just from one man. u get sex from tonie. humor from chebong. chemistry from neric. companionship from wewen. flirting from tom, mark, and paolo. and then of course, torture from jed. would it be possible to find a man encompassing all cons and possess all the pros? when it comes to finding the ideal man... is it possible to find all your ideals? i have never felt so self-absorbed and conceited in my life. but what's a girl to do? getting what we want has always been the foreword in any quasi-relationship wannabe set up. and now, here you go meeting another guy. a total hottie, but the question is... is he exclusive for bed use only? or can you wear him and show him off in public just like a brand new engagement ring? this is going thru your head, all the while you're boyfriend in question is not five feet from you. a terrible act... maybe. but justifiable? definitely. and then you go back to the question... single and fabulous? or dating and miserable? i think the more enticing option would be, dating and fabulous, however unlikely it would be to say of you. unlikely, but possible. and now here it comes, you think that you may have the "zsa zsa zu", but when you take a deeper look, you're just downright lonely and looking for company. company that may come in the form of a particular boy who will help you divert your attention to something else because you want to forget someone. someone who has hurt you a lot. but that wasn't your original M.O. so, if you do get it going with this guy, what are the chances that you'll just be relationship road kill in the not so distant future? will you take the plunge and find out? or will you retreat to the safety of your comfort zone? you've been burned one too many times to even consider the plunge. and yet, at the back of your mind, you know the only way to go is forward. you... are back... to square 1.

the women in my life (a tribute to the heroines of Cosmo book club novels)

love has been tackled by so many people in just as many ways that we have formulated our own theories and postulates about finding it, keeping it, and even recovering from its loss as well. we have jotted it down, either on our personal computers, laptops, diaries, online journals, and even on our PDAs. any information regarding love has been materialized in the form of either a marketing strategy, fiction novel, and even in a recipe for an iced cafe latte. but no matter what the form is, there is no sure ball formula on how to recreate the magic of hitting it off with another person and having sparks fly with the promise of true love shining on the horizon. some women however, have had a more successful encounter with the love game, and their stories only prove that in the end, love does prevail, and that there's always someone for everyone. they're as much a friend as the dating gurus that they are. but the funny thing is, i haven't met them before. they have taught me so much without even knowing it. Kach, Monica, Karen, Teri, Mia, Hilda, and Rudie, the women of the Cosmo book club novels. all equally equipped and blessed to live life with fashion, drama, and flair. i don't want to sound melodramatic with this, but these women have become my life for the past year. i have lived their ideals with mine, related with their experiences, and even solved a few romantic knots by following their examples. the way i see it, they have offered so much life in the confines of their 200 plus pages or so, book lives. and as an avid reader of the book series, i think and feel that every peso spent in buying them is well worth it. i may need not assert what i learned from them, but since we're already sharing here, i might as well. take kach, the theatre princess. we all may be starstruck by someone up there in the lights, but as she learned, and so must we... love isn't always in the most glittery of packages, rather, it may present itself in a loyal friend who's been right under our nose the whole time. monica, the hidden writer. she's learned that there's no use crying over spilled milk. instead, what we must do is move on. focus all our energy and attention into upgrading ourselves. and pretty soon, we might end up with a job, and a significant other that we've only dreamt about. then, there's karen, who, after soul searching, finds out that all she's ever wanted was right with her all along. all it took was two other guys, an unscheduled vacation, a hot lip locking encounter, and a mind splitting hangover thanks to a little over 9 servings of margaritas. and thanks to her, we can all now do a way with it, sans the emotional baggage. and then, teri. looking for mr. right is quite tricky. especially when we find our ideals in our literature professor. but thanks to what seemed to be the biggest mistake you can ever do to, or with, your professor... you actually get to see things clearer, and get a good grade with it. then, we have mia. someone who's afraid of physical pain and injury. only to have what she dreaded the most act as her salvation. teaching us to walk the rocky road of life sometimes. and maybe, just maybe... have our knight in shining armor save us. then, hilda. she traveled far and wide in search of something and someone. but after all the years of traveling and frequent flyer miles, she never expected that happiness and romance was actually closer to home than what she thought. and the latest of my heroines, rudie. yes, rudie is a girl. who, after cleverly devising a marketing plan for herself, got profits and then some. meeting and dating about four guys in the span of a month, she finally got the sales pitch of a lifetime. her "no boyfriend since birth society" membership has expired, and thanks to encouragement from friends and an obvious secret admirer... immediate superior became her, and love life was the incentive. thank you my ladies. reading each of your lives in one sitting has been the best three ungodly hours of my life.

When water runs dry (with Carrie's voice inside my head)

have you ever caught yourself still up in the middle of the night, wanting to text someone but there's no one in particular that you could text? welcome to the club... there's a longing inside of me to reach out to someone, however, at these ungodly hours, i fear that even the most enduring of night owls have already gone to sleep. whatever my discontent in my life right now is, i think it wells up from still one source. from that torturous scheming bastard who is now known as "he whose name shall never be mentioned in this house ever again"... a long name for someone you actually despise, i know. but what about the other guys in your phonebook? you might say... they are no more than a waste of bytes on my memory, actually. mere decorative names, whom someday i hope to give a shout out to, and maybe get a decent reply from. melodramatic, i know. but that is what happens, when you, like i, have seem to hit the bottom of the barrel. either that or it's just because you're having trouble sleeping. you're now stuck in your dark room, staring at your blank ceiling, and recalling the times when you actually had a few men at hand to send a message to. you suddenly start to miss those times, and then, it dawns on you... once again, you are lonely. not necessarily alone... but lonely... you seem to be on a losing streak at the moment. and with the exception of john from arizona, you don't have a guy to call your own. there's actually someone else, but you don't wanna be with him anymore. and the rest is just a parade of shoulda woulda coulda's to you. THIS, is your self-esteem. and now it's like, this... why is it that no one ever hangs around with you long enough for you to build even an imaginary romantic relationship? and then, it hit me... just like what you've said before... and you dread that by this time around... you are most probably right... and that if you're right... men don't just leave guys like you... they only leave... you. so you're kinda cute, smart, and fun to be with. but if you're all that... then why are you still single and fabulous question mark? how can you finally drop the question mark and have a nice guy beside you exclamation point? a question that only time will provide an answer. time that seems to pass in dog years backwards. fast and yet so slow. i wonder what's wrong with me. why is it that sleepless nights bring about these thoughts and the wheels in my head start to tick like clockwork? the ultimate sign of boredom? or loneliness, maybe? when did my life stop being fun? you know in yourself that you have to get closure on all of these. but closure is not your luxury. it's much harder to attain than power in this country. and more elusive than a cockroach on steroids. you take a drag. a long one... since everything else seems to be just that. a drag... this is the longest night yet... one that seems to take forever to pass. you can't wait to get it over and done with. one of two things is definitely why... this heat wave is such a drag. as if you feeling emotionally downtrodden isn't enough. and now, you're falling. much like in a dream. you await for a requiem... but there will be none of such. and you have just fallen, smack down on the ground, face flat, and centimeters away from the pavement. what a life it is. when it rains, it pours... but when water runs dry... 'nuff said.

today... i am in my happy place, and it seems that nothing can go wrong... i am happy to be free of all obstacles, and i'm actually lookin' forward to meeting new ones as of now... ones that will prove to be worth the effort and time... let's keep our fingers crossed...