segments from "home"

something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself... makes me want to lose myself in your arms... there's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast...

if you knew how lonely my life has been, and how long i've been so alone... and if you knew how much i wanted someone to come along... and change my life the way you've done...

and if you knew how happy you're making me... i never thought that i'd love anyone so much...

this... old town...

this boy is crackin' up...
this boy has broken down...
this boy is crackin' up...
this boy has broke down...

i've been spending my money in the old town...
it's not the same honey, with you not around.
i've been spending my time in the old town...
sure miss you honey, you're not around...
you're not around...
this old town...

august to september...

august is ending... the third month after the summer trilogy... and yet, you're fixated on slugging it out on your personal work-out routine as if beach season were just a couple of weeks away. you've been wanting to trim those problem areas of yours for forever now, and you're nowhere near accomplishing that objective... as long as you're on the pill, you think, you'll do just fine. but the pill can only do so much as slim you down... toning those muscles and unearthing those six-pack eye candies is another story. now, you have the equipment and you have the manual... what's missing? the willpower. you've managed to shed 25 pounds, at the most, and just lazy about having to do extra trimming... you've become dependent on the miracle capsule, and that's not a good thing. get your act together! and fast! you hear it, but you can't just get yourself to cooperate. you're still cutting yourself some slack. after all, that collar bone of yours is still on exhibit, and that works for you. besides, when you start on the training, your momentum is next to perpetual motion. okay okay... tomorrow is the day. and if it isn't too much to ask, mind you kicking that chimney off the railroad too? if you catch my drift... here's will: "wish i could buddy, but that dog just won't hunt". wha'? sober it up, you tease. will do... will do. guess that new song is just in time for your cue huh? just "wake me up when september ends..."

the wedding date principle...

would you believe me if i told you, that every woman (and man, for that matter) has the exact love life that she/he wants? well... pragmatically, i think and feel that it's a logical statement. you see... we have control of our lives, and quite frankly, that's reason enough... to have exactly what we want, that is. and yet... we still here people complaining. well, then why? maybe, just maybe... because it is human nature to ask for more... be insatiable... and not content with what they have. we'd hear unfulfilled bits and pieces of a dangling relationship... much of which is, a paramount list of shortcomings of the significant other. the resentment, frustration, and loathing builds up. only for either one to realize, that what they have is actually so much more than what they wanted to begin with... and this realization usually descends upon them at the point when it is either too late, or it's make or break time. now... before you say, it's not working, take time to truly look at what you have, and not just see the object of your discontentment. (good lord! mirror please!) easier said than done, i know... but that's the unadulterated truth of it. you manifest, only what you want... and you may not know it, but... you already have what you want, you just have to open your eyes and look.

the once in a while quote...

the supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. -victor hugo

semi-semi kal...

number 6, you saved me... i was on the brink of insane frustration, yet you found a way. and i like the way you make me look. there you were... your usual polyurethiane lilac self, and then you touched me... and i never knew you could do such wonders. i like it... no, wait, i love it! i'm loving it! really loving it! you keep it close to home. and i think, that's the way it should be. don't you? you are in my mind. imprinted. will see you in about 3 weeks or so... my therapy for the broken crown. - a tribute to razor number 6

raindrops will fall... hard.

i wish i could fall... wish i could just find myself, free falling in the abyss unknown and boundless. like, falling and flying at the same time. i wish that the shadow would take me... and give me reprieve. wish that i could fall, and no questions would need answers... because then, i'd know what makes the world go 'round. and then i'd truly be spirited away. wish that what i had need not be cured, so i could stay forever this way. but then, come to think of it, what you have has no cure. i wish my salvation would come... sweep me off my feet, and take me... take me while i'm still beautiful, or so to speak. but it is never like that... and they say, there is no such thing. but i wish there was... and i know there is... and i want it. i wish to see you sunset... and see you as a beginning, not an end... what a wonderful world, eh? i wish the cold would stay... then i wouldn't have to worry about anything at all. and i wish happily ever afters were true... not that i don't believe them... but i want it to happen to me. to see how it is... what's on the other side? where endings start... and be one step beyond. i wish i had fallen before now... fallen, reprieved, saved... then i'd have no memory of this. take me with you now... you there who sits on my ceiling. believe you me, i wish to be with you... grant my wish.

number 6...

razor number 6... you saved me... thank you... :) will talk more of your marvels: to come...

the diabetic at baskin robbins...

grab a spoon, joey says... hmmm... but you've already picked your ice cream, and a spoon. what's a guy to do? then joey adds, it's like your saying there's only one flavor of ice cream... he's retarded, yet makes a point. go figure! (this is jibberish, yes?) when you're at a store, shop, or boutique, if you may... do you get a particularly designed shirt in different colors? well, rarely... and yet, the idea is a conundrum... unless the rebecca bloomwood gene runs in your double helix, you, like almost everyone else will pick a particularly designed shirt, in only one particular color; one that suits you best. so why are there some people who get a shirt in different colors? paris hilton does... and then there's lindsay lohan. celebrities... alas! the pure parallelism of it all. with me so far? hehehe! what if i were to tell you, that you can have everything you want... but you may not. see what i mean? this falls under the category of, so near yet so far. and, as samantha jones puts it perfectly, it's like a diabetic making a trip to baskin robbins! straight woman in a bar full of cute, hunky, ripped gay men...

it's a catch 22...

let's face it... you're in such a slump right now... school ain't that great, if ya know what i mean. and you're starting to anorexize (if there's even a word) yourself. hey! better than bulimia, i always say... this ain't your year... or maybe any year is as good as any, just that your mind is more whacked than it used to be. and you basically have the right equipment, read the manual, but consciously and purposely didn't follow instructions. what is wrong with you? why are you throwing all this away? there's no fast forward button to life just like you always wished there is, ya know. but everything ain't really down in the dumps right? you have love... and yet, all those songs that say all you need is love, love lifts us up where we belong, love moves in mysterious ways, etc... they don't really help out now, do they? this you... on your pre-early quarter life crisis. how do you say, a catch 22.

the million bucks

if i had a million bucks: i'd probably be too busy spending it to be writing this right now. i'd buy a nice little sports car, probably in pastel yellow. i'd go on a continental tour, picking out at least 5 destinations for the particular interest they hold (might include paris, rio de janiero, tibet, new york, and africa). i'd get lotsa cool gadgets! (a wi-fi notebook, a portable media player that has at least an 8 inch width screen, a cool multi media phone, mp3 player, a psp, and probably a modified gun... notice that most of these gadgets are unbranded, 'coz i'll just purchase the toplist gadgets of their kind at the time i get the million in question). i'd get my own jet or chopper! (though i hear they're well over millions or billions) i'm gonna get a house in boracay and baguio! i'd go on a crazy shopping spree for everyone to see! (assistants to carry my bags for me and all) i'd buy and invest in the stock market, as per advice from people i trust. i'd get my own hot air balloon and blimp. i'd get the comfiest bed and couch! (a modified lazy boy would be nice) i'd host a party in the poshest place! (celebs on the guest list and all) i'd buy a cabin somewhere in the countryside, somewhere quiet and scenic. (aspen springs to mind) i'd sell off each and every buck (referring to the animal) and make more than just 1 million by doing so.

you came... you saw... you cried...

finally, the search is over... it's over now, i can't go back to being what i used to be... i have found what has been haunting my imagination and memory for the past 5 years or so... all those hours spent online, for even just a hint of what i can only describe as, "the affirmation of my childhood"... all the questions that i built around myself for others to see, yet answers unabound from spectators... truly, when they say, expect the unexpected, it is unexpected... of all the places, none could be more suitable... i found you, right there... in the hands of another man... inside a plastic bag. i saw you... and almost instantly, chills went up my spine. as if an apparition of beatific proportions had just manifested itself. but where you lay, you are just another trinket in that sea of collectibles... just another item. i asked for you, and you were handed to me... and there you were. in gorgeous pastel technicolor... the creature in your background... your clothing and appearance. yet another sensation of nostalgia. and it gets better... i turn you over... and i couldn't believe my eyes even though they were my own. that white-winged wonder in flight, and you boarding it. i have searched for you! and you were right under my nose all this time! i had ignored your name, for i did not know your identity. but you were in my hands... tangible... solid... affirmed. so what does a man do when he has found the object of his quest? he sits down in front of the television... presses "Play" on the DVD remote... and just fills himself with awe and childish admiration, as he watches the animated motion picture wide-eyed, amazed, and all... and in the ending, he cries... just like he did when he was young... circa, 1983-1987. - this is for Nausicaa of the Valley of The Wind (Kaze no Tani no Naushika)

bull crap!!!!

why is everything so "putanGinang" slow? i am pissed... right here right now! and you! you you YOU! stop bugging me for a while okay?!! i'm figuring my own shit here!!! i might as well say that i'm mad at the world... and the world is hiding... i'll retreat... prince Valium... get ready...

the grandpa in me...

the other day… as I was taking a bath, with the tolerable hot water racing from my back to the drain not inches from my feet… the most peculiar of thoughts were conjured in me. maybe it was the weather… maybe it was the water… but nothing had prepared me for what I consciously said as I stood in there shower, bath gel, body scrub, conditioner and all… “I want to be a grandfather…” (remember those unbelievable theme commercials that mc donald’s had? well, I guess this moment would make the cut for that) I couldn’t believe I said it… to myself… and to the loneness of the bathroom area that I am in. to manifest it as a word/s, breathe life into the possibility of it, and recycle energy and matter, and be incarnate. Yes… a grandfather… but right now, I don’t see myself getting married to a woman and having kids with her… can’t even bring myself to fantasize heterosexual encounters… I guess, it’s because grandparents have a certain trait that I would like to think I want to be/have… can’t quite put my finger on it… but for Filipinos, who value family ties more than most races, a grandparent would have a certain authority if not seniority (obviously) over matters… shallow, you think? But that’s not the entire reason why I want to be a grandparent… from my point of view, everybody loves grandparents… (maybe not in the way that they would say that everybody loves chicken) but I picture a playground… with kids… running around and getting themselves all worked up; in the sandbox, jungle gym, swing, teeter totter, monkey bars, slides, the works… and there, I’d walk towards the swing, dodging the little ones as they play tag… and then a tiny, innocent, curious voice would call out, “grandpa! grandpa!” as the young wide-eyed child runs to me with open arms and hugs me with arms and hands, short yet warm… and I’d pick up the rugrat as my aging body and frail back would allow it, and hug the kiddo back… that’s why I want to be a grandfather…

i am...

i am... not what i am (not as the song goes)... but something else... when MewTwo played God and asked, "what is more important? their safety or their freedom?" whoever thought that you could pick something out like that from a Pokemon, a cloned one even!

the other blue pill...

dateline: 3am, on the dot.

and matchbox 20's then hit song played in my subconscious background... after my gonna-see-how-skinny-i-got-in-front-of-the-mirror routine, i washed my hands off with alcohol, as is my regimen... i was reading a magazine earlier, and had to get the feeling of paper outta my fingers... i actually washed off for another reason... one that i've been contemplating on since i got settled back in my room. to pop or not to pop, that is the question. the non-nocturnal creatures of the metropolis are usually in deep slumber at right about this time, "REM cycle" as science guys would call it, "dreaming" for those of you who're lost in translation... and there goes Rob Thomas again, "it's 3am i must be lonely..." (i better finish this quick, 'coz the great calm is almost, no, is upon me) heard of the blue pill? viagara, right? the one that keeps your tallywhacker in full fighting mode for God knows how long (i don't know of course, 'coz i haven't tried it)... well, my blue pill is an antithesis. you know that feeling when you're on crack? the one where you can feel your breathing slow down, and you just feel calm, so relaxed, and serene... my blue pill can do that... (double vision starts here) i started with curiosity and might even be killed by it... my head, it feels like a paperweight right now. my eyes, dreading the fact that i have to type this in, while my body is relaxing itself... a fully awake flashback of the vietnam war crossed... i am chiaroscuro, animated. personified even... i'm torm between light and dark, just as i am once again right now... that little blue pill... my ticket outta here. let's see what volatile liquid would best suit its effects. i await my sentence... and death, i fully welcome thee. with open arms, i am yours, take me! and i shall be released... (the light fades now and the Virgil of my own dreams await me) he takes me to where my mind can rest... and offer sanctuary for my body... this it it... i bade the world... good night...