songs have given me life, and have provided very good company for me in times when i thought that the world was actually quite a bull shit place to live in... here are some lines from several songs that i think best describes my feelings and predicament as of the moment... "you are always on my mind, you are always on my mind... 'coz you've made me stronger by breakin' my heart... and i can't get you out of my dreams... how could this man i thought i knew turn out to be unjust so cruel, could only see the good in you, prtended not to see the truth, you tried to hide your lies disguise yourself though living in denial, but in the end you'll see you won't stop me... but i'm bluer than blue, sadder than sad, you're the only life this empty room has ever had, life without you is gonna be, bluer than blue..."

all is but a distant memory now... he gave me the biggest advice anyone could ever give without consciously doing so... i know when i am not wanted... i guess i was just clinging unto a piece of him that i thought was there... however... it wasn't... i guess, i was still trying to convince myself that i could reach out to him... but that is not the case anymore... he is no longer in my league... he is out of my life... and that is the last straw!

no bullshit could ever top this day... in my quest to get a shout out from the guy i deemed special... i got the most disappointing, least to say, mortifying response... "he", whose name shall never be mentioned in this house ever again, has just filled my threshold of pain... and it will never go down. he has hurt me one too many times for me to forgive him once again. ladies and gentlemen, this takes the cake. he is such an ASSHOLE! thank you...

today... today is good... woke up early... went to the mall (which was about 120 sumthin' kilometers away, by the way)... chacked the friendster account... saw somethin' i liked. happy is the theme for today.

single and fabulous? (with carrie's voice inside my head)

i have always been known as the person who never misses out on things. whether they be social gatherings, latest trends, or for this matter... romance. but if there's one true thing that i know about myself, it's that i'm not exactly the person other people think that i am. i could be missing out on some of life's coolest events and i wouldn't know it myself. try this... how many movies have i put off seeing until they weren't being shown in the cinemas anymore? let's see... a lot!?! there's hellboy, torque, dirty dancing 2, and troy... 'nuff said? and don't even get me started with the movies last season! right now, i'm just so thankful for DVD. try, concerts. there was F4. (but of course not too many people in my circle would have gone or could have afforded it, so...) incubus? not really my kind of music though... and then, there's the black eyed peas. completely affordable, do-able, but missed it. but after reading the review about the concert, i'm kinda thankful we didn't go... so, i think that would cover the social events calendar. excluding, of course, the manila gigs and shows. 'coz after all, i'm on vacation here. and what about the local scene? well, been to a few. but then again, going out hasn't been doing so well for you, has it? now... let's discuss romance. have i been missing out? or have i just not found the right guy? not THE right guy. just, RIGHT now anyway. but, seriously... i'm in a major slump here. and if it weren't for my mind blowing sexual episode with my fuck buddy a couple of nights ago, then i'd be a major loser! i'm saying loser, in the context of me supposed to be not being a loser. in all honesty... i haven't had a steady boyfriend in all my life. it's always been me chasing after someone, or playing hide and seek, or just getting laid... but it's all either daunting, or empty... i mean, the sex is great and all, but i'm looking for somethin' greater than that. and i may have a potential candidate in one kid, (no! not who you're thinking!) but with the way we got started, makes me think twice about his real standing. that's me... the guy who's not supposed to have missed out on anything. and this is me, the guy who's not exactly the guy who's not supposed to have missed out on anything. (try reading that last phrase again, it's a mouthful.) i once told a friend that i'm still waiting for the right guy, but you and i both know better... it's a big fat lie. and now, i stand somewhere between single and fabulous, question mark... and single and fabulous, period. what if i'm just telling myself this? what if i'm not even fabulous? what if i am, just... single. period.

releasing the ghost...

i have often wondered when this day would come... when i'd be able to resist his charm and say what i feel right in his face. i imagined it being a day of reckoning... when i'd be dressed to kill and he'd be telling himself that he's letting go of someone so exquisite and timeless. well, that day did c0me. and it was n0w. alth0ugh it wasn't exactly h0w i pictured it would be, at least the day came. i certainly didn't picture it to be half past noon, with my hair messed up, and my not so perfect body and face just sitting there in front of him while holding a stick of cigarette, for which i would be critized for. he just happened to be there... of all the days for me to get a hair rebonding appointment! he was there! and i was suddenly... trapped. in between me trying to think of what to say and trying not to stutter, i still managed to feign ignorance. i was in fight or flee mode. and i'm so glad i decided to fight... among the not so many meaningful words we had to say for each other, the most mortifying words were those of him leaving the country... i saw myself in carrie's shoes. and how perfectly good shoes they were... the manolo blahnik variation. i've seen it once or twice. moonriver in the background... pizza on the pile of boxes... an empty apartment... and an echoing voice saying he'll be leaving for california... my very own Mr. Big... and my new york would never be the same without him. he owes it to us that we should have a proper farewell whenever the time comes. and by US, i mean him and me. how could i have lost him for the better part of six months, and now he'll be gone for the rest of my life? once again... life sucks... MY life... had we not talked, would he have told me? had we not seen each other, would he have even left me a note? and then, somehow it wasn't as bad that i got to see him for, hell who knows? maybe the last time... the last i'll see him would be the first time i'll ever say i love him. for it is in love's parting that i find comfort and security. however, if i have to say a th0usand, even a million times, that i do love him, i'd do it... in a new york minute. i am unreasonably mad... and i know who to unreasonably take it out on. on he whose name shall never be spoken in this house ever again. the one that they call a monstrosity. a literal and metaphorical pig. he's been meddling around my business for quite some time now. and i'd have to say, i don't like it. he just wouldn't take a hint, and always manages to get in the way of lover's love. if they say, all mankind love a lover... then may the gods have pity on his G.D. soul. unreasonable? yes. pointless? no. i stand for anyone else whose affairs he has trampled upon. but enough of the pig talk. i just know in my heart... WE would have made a great couple. and by WE... you know who i mean... it's been a blast with him. though i may have played the role of emotional dirtbag with him, i don't think i'd wish it all away. before the day was over, i had every intention of letting him go. but, after last night... i just can't. it was real. all of it. in fact, it was so real... that i just can't bring myself to let go. and then, i found myself back to square one. playing the old game of hide and seek with him. making me consider search and destroy instead. to stand in his gaze, is like a moth flying around a candle. the irresistible light, yet impending doom. i am seduced, although i know he's bad for me... in ALL ways! he's bad for me in good times more over with the bad! he is an ANGEL in the devil's sportscar.

the pretty boy effect...

today, as i was strolling down the air conditioned by-ways of Glorietta's halls, i was confronted by an unlikely issue... how i felt about cute slash good-looking guys/men. seeing as how they were everywhere, from the bathrooms, to starbucks, to the less populated quads, i was amused by my own wishful thinking. and so, as i continued to walk and lightly ponder whether or not i should vocalize this newly found interesting topic of mine, i, off the top of my head, have drawn out two sound propositions... one, i'd like to have a guy like that as my boyfriend slash lover. and two, (intriguing enough) i would like to be that guy, or even be just as good-looking. let's face it, in the matters of international dating guidelines, looks are just as important as personality. and, in the queer society i live in... looks are what you go with. sans the make up, i find myself below the average face value meter, and trust me, it ain't a good feeling. the problem is... am i too vain to think this way? or am i just programmed? hence comes the saying, never judge a book by its cover. but what if that cover is all you have and nothing more? how do you compromise yourself between vanity and necessity? the answer to that, i am yet to find out. however, i am still on the shelf. for the inquiring he-sh that dare probe. a nice catch in the rough.