episode 3 - war of the species (man versus roaches): packaging tape and the magic palaspas...

the land roaches came in more aggressive than ever. there was this one roach that seemed to charge at me, but i gladly introduced it to the sole of my slipper. they met and went... remember when i told you that my room wasn't roach proof? well, it's because the top part of the walls near the door are made up of wooden grills, so as to provide air circulation. air circulation my ass! it was cockroach public access central! those f*ckin' sons 'a b*tches were climbing the walls and gaining access via the wood grills! as if coming into my room uninvited under the door wasn't gruesome enough! i felt like i was bein' monitored by the roaches stationed on the grills. like scouts for an RPG, they give their comrades the 411 on the enemy, and that enemy was me... i was all ready for action... timecheck, 12:10 am... this is gonna be one long hell of a night, i can feel it... this time, 3 roaches came out of the woodwork. i was like, "what is this? a PC game with escalating levels of difficulty?" i felt like the prince of persia: the warrior within for pete's sake! and then... my handicap just got higher... from above, a roach came in. patroled the west wall and then strutted it's way on the ceiling beam... i was outraged by this insect behavior. never before in my life have i ever felt so violated by a six legged creepy crawly! there it was, high on the ceiling beam, walkin' slowly like it was the bride on the aisle of a church... i braced myself... took my right slipper... pulled up my shorts, and crouched... ready to pounce... the beam was 4 feet above me... but that would be no problem... i was a volleyball varsity in high school... and this is cake walk... when the roach was at about firing range, i charged like i was friggin' artamonova! one spike is all it takes... and *wham!*... as i descended from my jump, i watched the roach fall down beside me... lifeless... wingless... and about a tenth of an inch slimmer... there it goes... "one for the home team! woohoo!" but i couldn't celebrate just yet... 3 bogies, at 5 o'clock! i was like, "ohmyFUCKINGgod! paksyet!" and as quickly as i landed on my feet, i whacked 2 of them, and stomped the other into non-existence... i was getting tired of it... i felt like i was running completely on adrenalin... my body is drained, yet my mind is smart as a whip... i looked around me... i had tons'a magazines... scissors... and packaging tape... idea struck me just like macgyver would come up with another brilliant yet somehow superficial, overrated mechanism to save his ass from being blown up, drowned in acid, or simply from a river of fire ants... i can cover up the grills with the pages of the magazine taped together! genius! yet, a problem arose... how are you f*ckin' gonna cover those grills with those roaches on patrol? and before i could answer that, a roach came flying from the grill! and imagine my horror as i beheld that sight! for about 8 seconds there i lost my composure. and started to run my hands through my head in rapid succession as a crazy mental person would. and i knew that if i were a cartoon, a white streak would've appeared on my back... a chill went up my spine... that was the fright of my life! to have a cockroach land on me was even more terrifying than the sight of that posessed kid in the exorcist! it flew past me, and got very near to landing on my body towel! and i was like, "oh, no you don't!" i ran after it and struggled to smash it mid-flight. but alas, i didn't get the critter. it perched itself on 1 of the cabinet doors. and i missed it again... it took to the air once more, and i stood back, afraid that it might land on me... this time, it landed on the page of the Cosmo magazine. *gasp!* and even *triple gasp!* "now you've gone too far, bitch!" i tried to make it leave the magazine, and thank god it slid down to the floor. now, it was ready to be squihed. with al the passion that i have, i gave it one full smack! *squish!* and out the brains and insides came... i slid it back to its dead comrades... now, time to make that magazine barrier. as i went to work on it, the roaches seemed to have gone on union break, and were quiet for a while... the eerie atmosphere at 1am was enough to make me work double time on my solution... after finishing the first barrier, another wave of invasion began. this time, from all sides... (to be continued...)

episode 2 - attack of the roaches: when bad roaches go badder...

i was already worried that i may have left my door open, and the roaches may have invaded my room... but apparently, i had to worry about getting to my room unscathed from the festering roaches first. on the wall of the staircase were 2 roaches, frolicking about like they were on a field trip. i was outnumbered and geographically cornered. if i was to face these 2 roaches head on, chances are, they're gonna fly straight unto my face, and i'd definitely scream... they have the higher ground. so... with a slipper on my right hand, and the Cosmo on the other, i made like a roman gladiator charging into battle... i strategically shielded my head with the Cosmo as i ran up the stairs with one foot bare. the 2 roaches have luckily separated, and 1 of them is conveniently loitering on the wall, left side of the stairs. sure as a knight's aim, and feeling ala lara croft, i whacked that cockroach on the wall as i passed by it, and i'm sure, the little bastard won't ever know what hit him. i got to my room safely enough... but for how long? the architecture of my room isn't exactly roach proof, nor is the main stair case that went through all the levels of the house... moments after i settled in my room, a r0ach came in by way of the space under the door. i was panic striken! it was like, a multi-million dollar company feels threathened by my existence and has sent russian assasins to take me out. only, in this version, the hired killers are about 2 inches in length, dark reddish brown in color, have antennas longer than their body length, and have wings... and can fly! and i should tell you, based on personal experience, the only thing worse than a cockroach... is a flying cockroach! 'coz they don't have a defined trajectory! and their flight pattern is really unusual... stupid ass roaches... so when that roach came in, i approached it with the courage of a lioness. smashed it with one blow and sent it sliding back under the door. i sat down on my bed to read the Cosmo, but a couple of pages into it, another roach came in! whacked it... and sent it back. it was like that for several times, until 2 of 'em came in at the same time. and i was like, "so, twins huh?!" with a slipper on my right hand and my left foot geared for roach stumping, i delivered a combo move that would have street fighter arcade characters coming to me and begging for my tutelage. the ones that came by land were easy enough to deal with... a little stomp here and a little whack there was all it took. but i was about to find out that these roaches were really out to get me... either they were getting smarter, or i smell conspiracy... hmmm...

episode 1 - starship trooper in sampaloc...

dateline: between the hours of 11pm and 2am, night of june 16th, prudencio street, sampaloc, manila... there i was, 2nd fl0or of the h0use, on the phone with my hubby... feeling a bit under the weather, yet still managing to smile and giggle while talkin' with my boyfriend... while giving meg ryan's detoxification grotesque look in the movie "when a man loves a woman" a run for its money, i was taken aback by what seemed to be a small creature that bounced on the door where i was stationed. first thought that came to mind, "oh god! that was a small mouse..." that was my immediate reaction because i saw a small mouse scavenging the rim of the trash bin just across where i was sitting. and then, as i followed the creature's form settle down by the stairs, i was horrified by the truth that unfolded in front of my eyes! it wasn't a small mouse... it was something worse... it was a cockroach! i nearly shrieked like a little school girl while holding the phone receiver with my boyfriend, rhoger, on the other end. i immediately grabbed right slipper, while uttering the tongue-twister version of profanities that would make the pope's hair stand on end. i swung at the dirty little bastard. i hit it and got a pair of its wings detached. but still, it flew a few inches and landed near the trash bin. another rapid fire of modified swearing filled the general area. i was the sight of a mad man, while trying to pulverize that roach into smitherines... a few missed hits and a couple of bull's eye whacks, and there you go ladies and gentlemen... a dead roach. i knew the commotion would wake up my cousin whose room was on the other side of the door. she opened the door, and with a half-smile half-laugh expression, asked, "what are you doing?" i came back with, "i just killed a cockroach!" then she says, "i thought you said, 'though shall not kill'?" "but it's a flying cockroach! this is different! a flying cockroach is a different story!", was my reply... she smiled and giggled a bit, and was ab0ut to cl0se the door when she bid me good night. i said good night too, and then she asked me if i was done reading this month's issue of Cosmopolitan. i told her i just skimmed it, then turned to the direction of a familiar sound of small flapping insect wings. she handed me the Cosmo and i placed it on top of the fridge, then once again said, "good night"... all the while, rhoger was audio-witness. i told rhoger that the roach got my adrenaline pumping and my heart was beating so fast. just then, another roach appears, and the air was filled with the sound of profanity once more. i killed it with one whack. and i started to get the feeling there's more where that came from... and true enough, another 1 emerges from the steel drawer. then i blurted out, "they're coming out everywhere!", as i was still talking to rhoger at that time. i even had to put the receiver down a couple of times just to whack a cockroach on the wall. after quite a few roach manifestations, i finally said, "rhoger, can we put the phone down for now? the roaches are everywhere!" rhoger, being the understanding boyfriend that he is, thought it would be best to do so. he even told me to just "run" to my room. so we said goodbye, and i put the phone down... but something tells me i won't be able to rest just yet...

carrie invades my brain... again... and she's welcome!

when the creme brulee goes stale (with carrie's voice inside my head) well, carrie's back... back from the slumber that seemed to rust her fingernails from resting so long... the first half of the year has been quite interesting... met a lot of new people... been to quite a few places... and, had sex in some rather "public" locations... it's almost like a summer flick with all the good elements all thrown in together and blended into your life for the past 6 months... it's saucy, steamy, and filled with lotsa hot details... almost like halo-halo for a gay man's soul... and then comes one of the special halo-halo toppings... the custard... or, should i say, creme brulèè... that one part where the sweetness and pleasure is just so right, that it's almost too good to be true... there it is, staring back at you, as you spoon it from your plate. and with one swift motion, it's in your mouth, and you savor it... and chew it with the slowness that would defy the multi-high speed camera motion capture technique used in the matrix... and for a moment there, you hear birds singing and bells ringing, just like what it says in the song. and that, for you... was bliss. that there could actually be something so good for you to eat and not make you feel guilty about eating it... or make you regret eating it. nor make you feel that you shouldn't be eating it... not an ounce of hesitation exists in your mind. and you enjoy your creme brulèè... and decide to have a whole serving of it... just it... just a whole plate of creamy, delicious, good looking creme brulèè. and you enjoy your serving. you happily take a teaspoonfull of the dessert, and each time you take that bite, you make that unconscious sound in your mind that goes, "mmm"... after you've had your first serving, you feel like you've had your fill, but you feel you may need another serving... so you ring that little dinner bell, and as your server arrives, you say, "my good man, may i have another serving of that creme brulee... please..." your server nods, turns back and flees to the kitchen, and personally garnishes your order. a few flicks of an eyelash later, he returns... holding in his right hand, your second serving of creme brulèè... you see it, and think to yourself, "immaculate"... or is it? as it is placed in front of you, you ready your utensil, and start to poke at it almost as soon as your server disengages himself from the plate. this, ladies and gentlemen is your second serving... first two bites, and you already know... there's something wrong with this picture... i should be wanting this since i decided to order it. but, could it be that all that sweetness and rich flavor has bored your tongue to numbness? is it possible that you've had too much of a good thing? 'coz when all the while you should be having the time of your life with your dessert, you suddenly say, "stale". and while you see other people looking at what you have and you know that in their minds they're saying, "owh, that's creme brulèè", how come you're just so ready to send that plate back flying into the kitchen. and right there, mid-way thru a bite, you look around you and you see a table with some tiramizu... to your right, blueberry cheesecake... and far left, the ever familiar strawberry sundae. and you give that off-hand comment right in front of your creme brulèè, you say, "nice". well that's not right. but you just feel that you've had it with creme brulèè. it doesn't satisfy you anymore. no more tingling sensation... then you say that ever ominous line of yours, "somethin's wrong"... you even declare, "it's not working for me anymore"... and at this point, ladies and gentlemen, we're not talking about dessert anymore...

feeling tanned

i am searching for the perfect tan... that golden brown glow on your face that would look so good with your fashion 21 bronzer that you purchased almost a year ago. haha! last monday was a pathetic attempt to get a tan. standing topless on the front lawn, dripping wet from the chest up, with conditioner on your hair at 4:45 pm will get you nowhere near the word, "tanned"... so, the words "tanning bed" come to mind, in the manner of a scrolling marquee, like those that you see in most pinoyster, myspace, and downelink accounts... but apparently, not even belo medical group has a tanning bed. alternatives? the airbrush tanning in belo's ortigas branch at 18 hundred bucks a pop. you think, mid-way do-able and steep for a tan that may only last for a week. i've read about that kind of sun-less tanning online, and with my regimen, chances are, that tan will be no more in less than 4 days. so what do we do? get that f*ckin' tan the old fashioned way... and while the threats of skin cancer, premature skin aging, and photo damage flash with bright neon lights in my mind... i say out loud, "tomorrow, i'm gonna bake myself in the sun". acquire a longer lasting tan in the comforts of your own home... with free skin complications at no extra cost. bright idea, jason... very bright...

quoted then expanded

"illusions are dangerous people... they have no flaws..." - sabrina

do you have an illusion? a high school crush perhaps? or the boy next door? then heed what you have been told. you may want something all your life... and when it is finally within your reach... it won't seem such an illusion after all... anti-climactic as it is... but true. you realize that your illusion is just human after all... as frail and as hopeless as you are... and then you wake up. and you no longer find yourself in the enchanted party... finally... the young lady has grown up...

the voice within

how nice...
people get to know me...
the voice is really something i think i should take care of...
i don't want to miss it someday and regret not taking care of it...
if 5 octaves isn't enough of a gift...
i don't know what is...

shards of glass in your balls

another excerpt from rex... man! i can't write other stuff with him playing in my head! i can't even write with Me in my head! hehehe! but for the sake of fun... here he goes... hope you guys enjoy it as much as i did...

you know who i really feel sorry for? the rich... i really feel sorry for the rich... i have a lot of sympathy for the rich... because if you look at the way the rich live in the philippines, who are the minority... there's not a lot of them so we can adopt some... there's not a lot, okay? they don't live in homes, unlike just the masses. the masses, you can see their homes, y'know? you could see where they live. but you can't see where the rich live. they live in a home surrounded by a fortress. usually these fortresses are like walls, ten foot high, made of brick, made of something really strong some kind of stone... man, that must be some hard livin' huh? that's tough, man. y'know, they've gotta keep their shit intact. that's the problem with being rich in the philippines. but a lot of them don't get robbed. let me share the highest security technique in the philippines when it comes to protecting your shit. at the top of those ten foot high stone walls... broken glass... (crowd laughs) embedded in quick dry cement... ain't that a trip, man? damn man! imagine, there there are kidnap attempts that are foiled by broken glass?

(a man with military sounding voice on 2 way radio in poor Filipino-English accent) eagle 1, eagle 1, this is eagle 2, are we ready to commence mission?
(another man with military sounding voice on 2 way radio in poor Filipino-English accent) yes, eagle 1 this is eagle 2. we are ready to commence mission!
(crowd laughs)
(third man giving orders on 2 way radio with the same accent) okay everybody, eagle 1, eagle 2 forces, quickly go over the wall! Putang Ina! there's glass!
(crowd laughs)
there's a glass in my balls!
(crowd laughs)
abort mission! back to the nest, back to the nest! abort mission!
(crowd laughs and claps)

that's what you get... shards of glass in your nuts... it's fucked up! (laughs)

red isn't the new brown

hey! can anyone tell me how to get a permanent tan? i mean... i think i like it better when i'm all tanned and browned up... i dunno... been pasty white for almost all my life anyways... let' try spending the rest of it with classic kayumanggi.

well, i'll be darned!

way to go on pickin' a date to repost in your blog... june 12th... nice... hehehe!

laughin' my funny ass off

the past few days, i've been addicted to the stand up comedy antics of Rex Navarette... a Fil-American guy who takes "putang ina" to another level... been up to my neck in iMesh downloads and been nursing my eyebags and pimple breakouts like hell just to get more of his clips... well, they're all worth the stress anyways... SBC Packers is a classic one for me... and then there's this bit about Lola's Rosary (hehehe) that's a keeper... and that one about StarShip Troopers... i'll be paraphrasing, but here's the way it mostly goes...

i was watching StarShip Troopers, and i was... i liked the movie... i thought it was cool...

*gunfire sound*
(army guy voice) they're all over us!
*more gunfire sound*
(army guy voice) aarrggghhh!!!!

you know? and then someone told me that in the original novel, 1959 StarShip Troopers written by Robert Heinland (spellcheck please) , the original... that the lead character, Johnny Rico was Filipino, did you know that? but in the movie they re-wrote him to be from Buenos Aires... como es ta mos! (audience giggles) c'mon man... if he was Filipino, that movie would've been cut in half! because, who better to destroy big ass roaches than a Filipino? (crowd laughs out loud) yeah? yeah? you agree? right? it's true...

*gunfire sound*
(army guy voice) they're all over us!
*gunfire sound*
(semi-wimpy voice in poor English-Filipino accent) don't worry, Johnny's here... i got my big tsinelas.
*whapack*
patay!
*whapooosh*
patay!
*kapooosh*
patay! game over! roll the credits! roll the credits!

(crowd goes wild)

a new leash on Pride

i'm gonna try and post Blogs every now and then from now on... (that sounded like a mouthful and a bit gramatically confusing, i know) but hey! this is my Blog, so F*ckin' lay off okay? hehehe! just kiddin'...
i have just been baptized into the japanese society...
yeah... i found out that my english name means something i would never have expected, knowing me, that is... wanna see? wanna see? here...

My japanese name is 山田 Yamada (mountain field) 駿 Shun (fast person).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.