everything... you...

i was about to take a bath... i entered the melon-tiled bathroom located in the first floor of my aunt's house, and locked the door behind me... i caught my reflection in the mirror above the bathroom sink... i studied myself in the mirror... "well, it cleared up somehow", refering to the breakouts i used to have. with crossed arms, i took hold of the bottom end of my undershirt, ready to undress... as i was lifting my undershirt, i was stopped in my tracks by a familiar odor... i did a double take to sniff my undershirt, and a subtle smile ran across my lips. i smelled you... the way you smelled yesterday morning in bed with that blue shirt... or maybe that was the laundry detergent. because there was no way possible that your scent could have found its way to that undershirt, in my closet, at my aunt's place, where you've never set foot in. odd huh? but i guess that saying is right... when you love someone, everything else just seem to remind you of him. i rest my case.....

kurai...

how dark these days are...
hope, where art thou?
i am not amused by these savage times...
and faint flickering light across the river's mist bed is no consolation.
your heart...
a piece of it lingers in your desolated resolve.
you see the tin man?
he longs for a heart...
and yet, you so willingly dispose of yours!
you will never again smile...
never again cry... nor laugh... or even be moved by movies.
for you, as you've said, have thrown away your heart...
and have been numbed to evil's point.

numbed to evil's point...

now she is numb...
i... am numb.

i can hold back my tears now...
but why are they still streaming down my cheeks?

where are you? why aren't you here?
the one i run to...
the one whose name i cry out when i am forlorn.

but...
how can you run to the one you long for?
when it is the one who made you cry?

you are numb, remember?

so run anyways... or maybe not.

i mean, what for? things won't change.
not now, it's too late...

but not ever, that's too long...

"the stalking lionness sits with the crocodile until harvest time..."
patience is my virtue...

and gloating will be my privilege alone...

"only when a black widow is born can the bumblebee take flight..."
oh how evil she really is...

soon...

it ends.....

she had "almost" gone (follow up on ginger)...

she was almost at the brink of existence...
trailing on the edge of a double edged sword...
between life and death she swung, while on a pendulum she rode.

it was her crossroads...
while she wished for death to claim her, oh bittersweet redemption
(how you longed for it that night)...
call it by any allegory and immortalize it with any other lyrical poetry...
any other name...
pick your poison.
but that night and hour, she seriously contemplated suicide.

everything was just so wrong...
misplaced and neglected.
but while death clouds her judgment, her lover beckoned...
pleading otherwise.
and she replied...

"but i'm so tired..."

and then, epiphany dawned on her.....

"... never give up..."

the words echoed through her consciousness...
and she was saved.
yet, the darkside took her, and her path rooted from fear...
then anger...
then hate, and oh so sweet payback materialized on its own.

"the world will pay"

she said to herself...
until reason queried, and swayed her out of it...
she was told,

"it's unfair..."

she saw that...
and for all that she could do, and all that beheld her,
there were only tears to ease her suffering...

until finally, her tears were no more.
this time, she decided...

"i have to throw away my heart..."

i am She...
and she threw away her heart...
how she wished she'd gone...

seen houdini? he ain't got no shit on me!

all it takes is one sentence... even just one friggin' phrase or clause... and that one magic word. try it... and i guarantee... i'd give houdini a run for his money...

when darkness comes for you...

hush...

it is quiet...
dark and quiet...

but scampering feet are audible from your bed...
*you fidget, toss, and turn*

the translucent jalousie glows dimly of yellow orange-ish light from the electric post not 15
feet from your window.

but inside...
in your room...

darkness abounds...

the abysmal predicament seems thicker tonight...
take me darkness!
show me what makes you beyond human...

carrie, this one's on me...

it's one of those nights again... when your world seems to be crumbling down on you... when it's dark (literally and figuratively) and you have no one but yourself to give comfort... another night when you think to yourself, "i am so dead..."

it's nights like these when i wish that a car, a truck, or any other vehicle for that matter would just run me over (that which i have no guts to commit on my own)... then i'd have every right and reason to disappear from the world... to retreat to my shell... my comfort zone... so i'd never have to be hurt again... wish i had that fast forward button in life right now... the road before me is full of traps and obstacles... and i know, no matter how bad it seemed, that i'd be able to cross it... i just don't want to experience having to actually undertake it all...

wish i had valiums... i'd take those little joy pills like they were m&m's... then chase it down with whatever alcoholic beverage i can get my paws on... this has to stop... i always get myself in deep shit... but i always manage to dig my way out... but now, i'm tired... i have to... rest.....

hitback on the teflon issue... wanna change your mind?

i take it back... i'm not teflon... i'm something else... i'm like one of those temporary tattoo or sticker products... 'coz now that i think of it, i practically adhere to most surfaces. given the ideal conditions and proper application... oh i'll stick alright... but rub me the wrong way, and i'm gone... apparently, the bad string has been here with me all along. and i was just either too blind or in so much denial to see it... it's monopoly all over again! and i'm tired of this game... i've been had, conned, used, misused, and abused quite a number of times that i could have a notable number of f*ckin' illegitimate bastards of my own! it seems that my level of extreme prejudice isn't enough... maybe it would be better if i permanently closed my doors... lock it... and throw away the key... panic room, i believe is the term... sanctuary... sanctuary!

and she was gone... by ginger foutley

She chose to walk alone
Though others wondered why
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.
She didn't have companions
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were
Puppet strings.
She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.
She longed to be a flame,
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.
Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well.
She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...



And then she was gone.

gay man's intuition...

you saw the apparition yesterday, didn't you? and you were already counting on it... hehehe! the earlier one that you saw should've been a sure sign that yet another was to come... good thing you've slimmed down, and your mother was there to provide an alibi... but you would've said hi, right? chubby or not... and for the record: you're not mad... just so happened you saw a monster in the immediate area so your eyes didn't wander off elsewhere... ya hear?!

The Secret (Neo) Jutsu...

seeing as how i am a Naruto enthusiast now... i have decided to develop my own Jutsu to be at my disposal... for those who are not familiar, a Jutsu is basically defined as an art or technique used in fighting... it may be classified into physical, mental/illusion, elemental, forbidden, secret, or stealth... i am proud to say that i have developed this Jutsu in only one day... and i have to admit that it is pretty effective in combat... this special Neo-Jutsu is called Kuchiyose Haryuu Muuko HALE no Jutsu... it is used strictly for teasing my boyfriend only... hehehe! you see... as i found out... he likes (has a crush) on Hale's lead singer (or so i presume)... hehehe! this Jutsu is considered to be highly advanced, but may be used by an experienced shinobi such as myself... hehehe! this one's for you Boinky... mwah!

and then the word Forever...

what turned out to be a simple meeting for coffee proved to be a worthy leap. fast forward to 2 months later, and now you have 2 gay men who have found happiness, companionship, love... but most of all, each other. and although both of you are far from perfect separately... together, you're a shoe-in. minus all the minor misunderstandings and tiffs, it was a good 2 months... and then comes the word, "forever"... you ask yourself... how do you plan on forever? or even the next month for that matter? the way i see it, forever doesn't happen until it already has... the past 2 months certainly weren't premeditated or anything, but it has already come to pass... when i say forever, i see myself in bed... where everything is bright and white... the room would be lit by sunlight streaming from the clear windows. it would most probably be a beautiful summer's day... and there i'd be, with you... you, holding my hand while sitting at the side of my bed... and i, with my oxygen supply and dosage of morphine... we'd both be 70 or 80 something by then... and then i'd see you, just like you are now... with your rustled hair and 5 o'clock shadow... and we'd both look back at all the years we've been together... and i'd say, as i wipe a tear from your cheek... i have loved you all these years and it seemed like i've loved you forever, and i will love you forevermore. and as i close my eyes, and let go of everything, i stand true to what i said... because i will have nothing more to do but love you... forevermore...

the fountain of words...

can you write about something even though you're happy with the way things are going in your life? i'd say, yes... but why is it that when you're sad, lonely, miserable, and depressed (poor unfortunate soul?), words just seem to flow right out in a steady stream? as sure as there is tap water at h0me, it just springs from your mind and vocabulary... now, i think technically it's because being miserable is m0re intense than happiness. and not in a good way... how many happy people do you know have taken another's life or their own? as elle said, "money creates endorphins, endorphins make you happy... happy people don't just kill their husbands..." see? having said that, let me get back to my point... i used to write almost every night back when i was "un"-happy... and now that i am, i feel like i'm stifling myself for not documenting what's going on... so now, i write... a simple change of mindset was all that i needed to produce written words that are mostly the extension of my emotions in cyberspace... so... carrie, a callback for you... you're needed in my head...