"O shrieve me, shrieve me, holy man!"
The Hermit cross'd his brow.
"Say quick," quoth he, "I bid thee say—
What manner of man art thou?"
Forthwith this frame of mine was wrench'd
With a woful agony,
Which forced me to begin my tale;
And then it left me free.
okay! never ever, and i mean EVER! wear my jacket with or without my permission. it's bad enough that you're gonna wear it without my consent, and the worse part is you don't even look half as clean as i am! you got away with it this time, but the next time you do that... you're gonna get what's coming to you! bullshit!
She was popular, she was nice
okay... today OFFICIALLY sucks! i just saw his picture on friendster... you know who i'm talkin' about... the guy that's had me for the past two years. continuously haunting me and killing me in my own dream... this is a drag... how ever much i say that i'm over him, i just sink deeper into his charms... that song is right... i just go crazy... everytime i look in your eyes i go crazy... this is bullshit people! just bullshit!
one, why are they playing hard to get? do i have a big biblical sign on my forehead that says "stay away from me"? two, they're never around when we need them, yet they're ever present when unwanted or uninvited. and... yeah! what's up with that? three, how come they never call? and once they do, there's almost always a perfectly good explanation for doing so (booty call). four, does the word "hygiene" mean anything to them? 'nuff said... five, they do stuff that i would deem gross and unimaginable in the men's bathroom. such as, they hold conferences, fights, kill time, and even... eat their snacks there! eeeyyuwh! at least that's what the guys back in my high school used to do. six, what is it with fist fights? is there no other civilized way to deal with problems anymore? and yes, it has been their age old custom for the better part of at least a thousand years, but how about evolving? seven, is it too much to ask to spread some more of that sensitivity on our relationship jelly? how insensitive, and sometimes, even downright rude can you get? (i chose to put that on number seven because seven is the most powerful number, and a guy's insensitivity has just as powerful an effect). eight, i don't know what you've been told, but, not every woman you encounter wants you, or for that matter, wants to get it on with you. could your ego be any bigger? or is it just compensating for something else? nine, when you say you are, technically, "in a relationship right now", please expound. because, apparently, what more of a relationship are you lookin' for if you already friggin' have one?! and while you're at it, please define, "casually dating" as well. ten, a promise is called a promise because it is a promise, and promises are kept, not broken. if you do not intend to keep your promise, then don't call it that. just say it's a, uh, "tentative proposition". okay? eleven... why can't we ALL just get along? go figure! are men really from mars? either that, or all non-men would be G.D. idiots! please, just say what you mean and mean what you say. otherwise, all relationships just end up in a big screaming mess. and we don't want any of that now, do we?
have you ever found yourself in the middle of a crossroads? smack right down at the center of average and loser boulevard? then welcome to the club! Okay, so maybe the job description was a little harsh, let's just say this is how you feel sometimes. it may be undeniable that you're fabulous on your own, but when left to your own devices, you find yourself a bit, how do you say, helpless and incompetent. a catch, nevertheless a half pint. so, if this seems familiar territory to you, hit the checklists just so you don't steer off the path to living the life you want and deserve. let's see... they say, those who can't do, teach. if this is the case... then, resolve that, if you can't be that person, befriend that person. a shameful act, but someone's gotta do it. say, if you're not pretty, or for that matter, good-looking, have a friend that is, even better, friends that are. if you're not rich, have a friend/s that is/are. not smart? recruit some child prodigy. mediocre on the arts? (such as painting, dance, sculpture, music, performing arts) then link yourself with some artistes. think of it as your own little investment of friends, and consider yourself just as rich, you know what they say about a person who has many friends. i have always been amused by the phenomenon of having friends in high places. you can breeze through all the hoopla bullshit and reap what others sow. and while it is nice to have friends in high places, never forget that it is the little people who get the work done. and if all else doesn't get you the glitteratti life that you're aiming for. then it's time to work on your own act. start with your social skills, be a people person, that someone who knows everyone and whom everyone runs to. plus, being genuinely nice won't hurt either. if you can make this first step, it all just goes snowballing from here. live the carefree life, and always remember to cleanse... exfoliate... and moisturize...
Summer’s end is near… and I am in between renewing myself and preserving it… I never thought that new things would be the actual end of me… nevertheless I am always with hope that I will always find another way to reach out… I know this is all kind of senseless and gibberish… but… this is me… an abstract forever…
my life is a cake... compared to being a box of chocolates, i have layers. and i don't like surprises, that's why i don't like the, you never know what you're gonna get, part either... my icing. pretty as can be. and the part that gets the most attention. there's usually something about me that people tend to focus on. it maybe physical, or not... and sometimes picking on that icing too much doesn't do much justice to my cake. sometimes, i feel that's all they see. (whatever it is that they do see) how 'bout takin' a bite out of the whole package here, eh? for acquaintances, it's the money. for friends, it's the hair, or skin. for other gay friends, it's the voice. for high school friends, it's the hair, the skin, and the money. my cake, bareth art thou... now, the cake. my cake. never was it fun to eat the cake without icing. i can be like that sometimes, to other people. take out what they see, and i do not exist. just a bland cake in the table, not to be touched, much less eaten. the special filling... this... now this... only a few people appreciate, or even get. sometimes, they see something extra. and that's what makes eating the cake worth it... the bottom of the cake... only a few people settle for this part. sometimes they're the same ones who get and appreciate the special filling. and, these people, are the ones that see the cake for what it is... nothing more than a pastry, designed to get attention, stimulate interest and desire... and finally, induce action to eat it. something desired, yet easily forgotten. made for all, but only a few can truly appreciate. not for the taste, not for the icing, nor for the presentation... but for the wholeness, that makes a cake a product of passion, designed to please anyone who so does cross paths with it... my cake. my life...
i don't know if it's just me, or is everyone really pushy today? hello! they all know how touchy i can be and there they go flaunting their most annoying and unbecoming antics all around me. rule number one, keep your distance at all times. unless i am the one who approaches you, or unless you're a guy that i wanna be close to, observe at least a 10 inch invisible perimeter fence from my face and body. yes, we're friends, but stay away from my body parts unless you have permission, okay? rule number two, if you want to sniff my perfume at the back of my neck, ask before you do. rule number three, if you are related to me, do not, at all times display any forms of stupidity or resort to any embarrassing acts in a public venue, e.g. malls, restaurants, cinemas, etc. (rule number three is subject to my discretion.) rule number four, maintain your status quo whenever and wherever you are with me, whoever you are, unless you are a guy that i am so into. however, embarrasing acts are subject to penalty. (rule number four is subject to consideration in my behalf, regarding the time and place of action.) rule number five, never, and i do mean, NEVER ever use words of low class standards or profanity against me, neither words that i may deem offensive or degrading in nature. (if you know me well enough, you'd understand this. if in the event that you don't, first time offenders are subject and entitled to penance.) rule number six, never call my landline number past the hour of 11 in the evening, unless otherwise the nature of the call is for business, emergency, or academic puposes. calls made past the hour of 11 in the evening are either invitational or just plain unexpected. unwanted calls beyond this hour will be met with much distaste. rule number seven, do not, at all times, shove your hand bearing the scent of male genitalia in my T-zone without any permission whatsoever, especially not in front of other people who know about it. rule number eight, never strike unwanted and unnecessary conversation with me, especially when i just got in, or when you know that we're not really tight. rule number nine, refrain from sending short messages that oblige me to reply, having to answer queries regarding what i am doing and where i am at the moment. (please, we're not a couple, and my parents could care less than you. so, put a lid on it!) rule number ten, never ask me where i buy my stuff and then ask me to buy you a similar item. (puhleeaze! i am not your personal shopper! rule number ten is subject to consideration.) rule number eleven, respect my bedroom and my bed. knock before coming in. do not, at all times, assume that it is okay for you sit, let alone lie in my bed, especially when you just came from the filthy outside world. (hello! it's called MY bed for a reason!) trips to my bedroom are per invitation only. ('nuff said. rule number eleven is subject to consideration.) rule number twelve, respect my things. whether inside or outside my room. do not, at all times, go through my cellular phone or tote without prior notice. (rule number twelve subject to consideration, regarding the person in question and time and place of actions made.) rule number thirteen, never EVER pretend to steal or canoodle with any of my male prospects, because i could care less about them or you. doing so would just annoy me or induce an allergic reaction to the person in question. (if you know me well enough, you'd know this by now. rule number thirteen is subject to consideration.) rule number fourteen, never stare at me while i'm eating. besides the fact that it is downright rude, it is annoying, and i get annoyed or irritated easily, especially by someone that i don't really like. rule number fifteen, refrain from asking for a stick of cigarette. (rule number fifteen is subject to consideration.) rule number 16, refrain from borrowing any of my cosmetic equipment. rule number seventeen, never stand in front of my eyeline or air. rule number eighteen, these rules are here for a reason, follow them. ignorance of rules does not excuse anyone. it is recommended then that anyone who will be with me for any duration of time in any venue be at their best personal behavior to avoid any conflict with the rules. rule number nineteen, stay away from my bikini area... whoever you are! rule number twenty, it only takes one undesirable act for you to acquire a long lasting demerit. demerits are considered punishable acts and will be held against the offender for an invariable period of time. rule number twenty one, i could care less if you don't like my rules or even if you find them absurd and eccentric, but these are just basically rules regarding your character bearing when you are with me. further examination of these rules will reveal that it is not only for my own good but for the betterment of the party as well. these are my rules of engagement... if you find them offensive, repulsive, or unacceptable in any way, then i can do nothing about it. this... is unlocking the bitch within...
it seems that i may have found someone new... someone that i'd never thought of falling in love with. and yet... talking to him, i find myself in someone's shoes... someone that i blew off, once or twice in my life. this is a very familiar, almost uncanny feeling for me... to feel this way again means i'll eventually go through the bruhaha of yet another, que horror, problematic love affair... my friend once told me... get someone who's not impossible. impossible? all men are impossible... not unless, by a swift stroke of luck that you find that one in a million guy that will love you as you love him... and i've seen that only once. and on another occasion, but it was a mishap... true, that at least this guy seems to be a wee more loose than HIM. but then... i can't help but wonder... what am i getting into if i get into it? he's been claimed by someone else, and honestly... that someone else doesn't look too friendly to me... here's dead gay man walking... well... at least this one's more... liquid...
this used to be my playground... a place where i once felt safe, where i thought nothing could go wrong... this used to be my childhood dream... something that i always thought i wanted, but now i know it's not all that i thought it was... this used to be the place i ran to... where i thought i'd find comfort, joy, and security... here... whenever i wanted to dream... the place that is, now... was...
my imagination manifests reality... that is the case... whatever is happening to my world, embeds itself on my subconscious... however... my reality is far smaller than fiction... how i want it to be is not always the outcome... but how i wish... that my imagination can be manifested in reality... not having to measure thoughts but just let them pour out, and in the end... my desire becomes my reality. the power of thought, fueled by imagination, rendered by desire... how wonderful my world could be...
have you ever had the deepest feelings towards a guy, but it seems that the whole universe is united in the plot to completely separate you from him? well... join the club! every once in a while, you meet this one guy that you're just so into... he's charming, has a great sense of humor, sweet, and least to say of all, totally cute! but then, there's one minor detail that you're missing, or even, ignoring... he's unavailable! he could be married, seeing someone, has a girlfriend already, or even worse... gay! now, the hunt for elusive Mr. RIGHT seems to be leading you to an unexpected dead end, hence, you end up with Mr. WRONG. it's not uncommon for women, and even for gay men to be in such a predicament... after all, life is the implicit, understated quest for a few good men. the trouble is... why do we always end up with not-so-good men? he could be picture perfect, but has trouble committing. he could be charming, at the same time, can be a total jerk. then there's the, let's admit it, reject package... a perfectly good man on the inside, but a let down on the outside... physically unattractive. now, the latter is negotiable. but with the two mentioned earlier, how could you have not seen it coming? but wait, you still have incentives that come with that. say, you hit it off, tripped the moonlight fandango... the works... and out of nowhere... surprise! i'm married... with three kids i might add... where did you go wrong, woman? for gay men, it's easier to handle this... the downside? getting your heart broken easier as well... we have to admit it... sooner or later he'll have to leave you and give his undivided attention to his family... it's usually the, "later" that hurts most... that after the roller coaster of days and nights that you and he have been together, after getting so close, and after you've finally learned to love him... then you have to learn to let him go... it's unfair, i know... but that is reality, when you try to live out fiction... so, how do you prevent your heart from being shattered in a million and one pieces? here are some tell-tale signs that your hubby is not-so-rightie... you are so attracted to him... he has a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, and you could care less... you pour out your feelings for him, and he could care less... he seems to be avoiding you, or anyone that he knows knows you... also avoids anyone who asks him if he knows you... he's someone you seldom see, or if you see him almost all the time, he's not that hospitable... he tells you about his significant other, or he doesn't tell you, because he could care less about you... he doesn't return any of your calls or text messages... he doesn't give his number... he doesn't add you to his friendster list... he's straight, or gay (for either case)... you don't have anything in common, or you do but it's just because you're faking it... you know that he's bad for you, or that you're bad for him... you cry because of him but for no apparent reason... you do not understand him, and literally as well... he's about 5 years younger, or older... he doesn't want to meet your friends, or he doesn't want you to meet his... you have a hard time getting along with his friends, or you don't, but it's just because you're such a human doormat... his friends don't like you, or yours don't like him... you constantly ask his friends things about him because he doesn't tell you a thing... he told you from the start that he just wants to be friends... worse, he doesn't even want to be your friend... there are a lot more signs to help you decode the Mr. WRONG identity... but these are the ones that i am most familiar with... and in case you're wondering, how can you really tell? well, it's about time to open your pretty little eyes and smell the coffee sistah! the first step is to deny yourself of denial... if this has happened to you, not one too many times... then maybe you just have to say to and for yourself, "i'm a magnet for unavailable men"... but fear not dear lover... rest assured that there is someone for everyone... maybe you just haven't found him yet... maybe he got lost, and is just too stupid to ask for directions... whatever the case... the real challenge is to turn Mr. WRONG to Mr. RIGHT...
today was quite a day. the world has once again witnessed the jaw dr0pping feat that is my cuzin. she just got into a catfight with a much older lady. it was a fight worthy of outstanding designation even in the oscars. true, that i was n0t as c0mfortable with the whole situation as she was, but still, the resilience she has sh0wn amused even the gas0line mechanics at the stati0n. it was a n0n friendly exchange of ubiquitous banter, insults, and unmentionable jargon, that it attracted attention faster than hotcakes can sell during breakfast at mcdonalds. my cuzin, ever so firm and stable, and equipped with superb mind and tongue co0rdinati0n, was ready for anythng. Quite calm despite the negative attenti0n they were getting. the lady, on the other hand was l0oking like she was about to hit the bucket and get a n0t so pretty a sight heart attack. harsh words were uttered, my cuzin was on rebuttal. the lady, delivering a trilogy of shit splattered one liners, was, que horror, no more than a squeaky old b0ombox about to explode. as my cousin put it, shes giving herself the misery. And i told her, she was giving the lady a workout. hehe! telling my cuzin to "SHUT UP" wasnt exactly, i think, the winning statement that the lady wanted to deliver. much less was it delivered in the m0st absurdly pr0vincial manner. well, a walking dog will find a stick, the lady got what was coming to her, as my cousin replied with a resounding "YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" in answer to the lady's remark. FUCK being the operative word. 'twas plain entertainment to my senses notwithstanding the fact that things could've gotten worse. fight evolutions happen in a manner of seconds. a quaint banter could quickly convert itself in a full blown brawl! but still.... heaven sent angels to watch over me... us! hehe!
i found myself lost... once more... how could it be, that after all this time... subconsciously, im still thinking about him? he's there... lingering in the shadows of my thought... waiting for the right moment to rear his ugly, yet... so angelic face in my predicament... oh, am i cursed? to forever hold on to his memory, that i in the first place have absolutely no business of holding on to? as time immemorial has proven... you are not over this kid... until you get closure. confrontation has always been your herald of letting go... and, after all this time... you've been in denial all along, telling yourself that you're over him. and yet, at the slightest thought of him... you cringe, get weak in the knees, melt like jello, and you end up wanting to dial his home number to call him... how sad is it? that whenever you are reminded of him, you are incomplete... he's the one guy you can't land, and the one guy you want to land the most... but, with him, there's more to landing... with him, you are whole, not half... with you in his arms, lying safe with him... you are born again. but fate has never been so kind to let your paths cross once more... and once you do, what would you say? how would you act? hope for the best, prepare for the worst... never, yet again... this is the future of your past, present ever m0re... throw your heart out the window...
it's but another summer that i've got in my hands... and i am yet again faced with a multitude of dilemmas that i have encountered the summer before... there's physical condition, which includes the skin tone, facial care, and body mass reduction... next is the wardrobe management, sounds nice doesn't it? but it's actually a bitch. this year i had to keep a diary of what i wore, when and where i wore it. i have always been conscious and careful not to repeat, or let's say, not to wear an outfit that i wore two weeks prior. i'm meticulous with circulation... then there's financial aid. unlike last year when i still had an ATM account, this summer i'm scrambling for bucks. at least with the ATM account, i had a sure 1,000 pesos to support myself. plus, i think i saved up some money before the summer came. and! last year i had a paying gig, and that was nice... anyway, money is really a big factor for me. both for personal consumption and security reasons. i really can't go out without at least 500 on me. you know what i mean? and with the economic drought that i'm experiencing right now, i have to think of more ways to come up with the money. correction... new reasons to ask your parents for money... hey! it's not as bad as it sounds you know... i mean... i do occasionally feel bad and guilty and everything when i ask for money... but what am i supposed to do? i have to go out... and, well... i guess, it's true what the people in showbiz talkshows said... you have to keep your status. real bummer! i mean, i'm not even a celebrity yet, and i'm already faced with this conundrum! it's one thing to keep up appearances, it's another to keep your status. i shouldn't even be doing this right now... i'm supposed to be looking forward to my OJT's, not plan the whole summer! well, at least my birthday's coming up, that ought to get me some cash... and that's not all that's drying up with me nowadays... my sex life is also experiencing some depression as well... a bi-product of my economic fluctuation. let's face it, for a gay man to get some in this town, it's all 'bout the money... at least that's what to say with the one nighters... but it's not all there is... the love department is also under a dry spell... i mean, what is wrong with me? have i become undesirable? not that i was, to begin with. but it's just downright frustrating... i know that my friends are getting it on with some anonymous people, but what about me? the big green monster appears... i know it's not right to be jealous... but it's how i feel... and it's lonely to be this way... i don't even have anyone to think of! not one! well, maybe there is one... but he's just a friend! actually, that's not it... you're not romantically linked to him yet! and i guess the fact that he's someone else's catch also bags it as well... i am in such a pity mode right now, that i'm considering going down low... how low? like colby low! i know, i know! it's too low, even for li'l ol' deppresed me... and my body isn't exactly in tip-top shape right now, so i guess that keeps my libido at bay too... but thinkin' about the summers that came before makes me see how bad this summer is for me... actually, it hasn't been so great a year either... this year stinks! looking at all this right now... it just hit me... maybe it's just a phase, maybe things will look up... i can only hope, unless i want to stay in a retirement home 50 years early... and there, it struck... retirement home... i have always feared growing old alone. and now i'm alone, at a young age. i'm supposed to be in my prime. i'm not supposed to be like this... and then it got me thinkin'... how long will these cold summer nights last? in this life or any other, you have to get the basics straight before you get your luxuries. you cannot indulge yourself until you get everything done... i guess that's just what i have to do... straighten up... with no pun intended...
lucena city... a fast rising metropolis throbbing with malls, restaurants, coffee shops, and bars... with at least half of its populace composed of men... either bisexual, gay, or straight men. with my dry, cold, slow summer proceeding with its second season, things couldn't get any worse for me. with 20 pounds to burn, a budding fashion disaster at hand, and a rent controlled life, i once again was confronted by the idea of hooking up with whoever was to my liking. everyone else seems to be getting hitched these days that i couldn't help but notice, i am not on the love bandwagon... could i be seen as a romantic loser? would i be happy spending the summer alone? should i go out on the prowl and hunt myself an eligible bachelor? could'a, would'a, should'a... when my friend aaron asked me, why i'm not technically seeing anyone, i told him that i had a waiting list. a lie. and the bigger lie was that i told him i had 4 guys on my waiting list. and there it was... i found myself in the middle of denial avenue and loser street. i told my friend that i put my lovelife on hold... that it was time for me to take care of me, and take a time out from the love circulation. the funny yet scary thing is... i convinced myself with that. the truth? i'm romantically challenged. if charlotte used that term for her pregnancy difficulties, i thought i could do the same. disguised as someone who had complete control over the matter, i continued to talk with my friend. and then, it got me thinkin'... was it simply because i couldn't find my eligible bachelor? or did i just get so burned from my angel relationship, that i was more than not willing to open my door to another one? my dilemma continues... looking back at my imaginary waiting list, i conjured up some names that i have considered to be potential prospects for the days to come. although two of them are attached, the other one was clueless, and the other was gay, i still had to wonder whether it was right to put them in my non-existent waiting list or not. and sure enough, i couldn't be more of a pathetic, loveless, hopeless romantic. even D-list celebrities had more progress and spice in their life than this! the question i had to ask was this... in a city so small, with an everyone knows everyone demographic, how hard was it to find at least a few good men? well, most of them are taken, and that's a given... but what about any leftovers that i may even deem worth it? it's final then... the whole world is against me, and it's tellin' me to take a long nap or something until the turn of the century. i wasn't asking for much, just barely enough. bottom line is, i'm lonely. and nobody knows or even notices that. nobody sees that underneath my white skin and slammin' outfits, there's just a birdcage of a heart with nobody's name written on it. my heart on my sleeve, and it's nearly falling. dancing in the wind until a strong gust completely knocks it out. bottom line... i've hit rock bottom.
i just turned 21, and like all those that came before me, i was entitled to have a night of celebration with old friends. apparently, i have been so accepted in my circle, that they are most comfortable with what and how i really am. nothing but the best birthday gift that i guess anyone could ask for... some old high school friends and i were out buying beer, and suddenly, i found myself in a testosterone charged environment, contained in a moving vehicle. there i was, somewhere in the middle of my sexuality and gender, i was lost in translation. it was guy talk. one that i would never have been able to appreciate, had i not been sitting next to my ex boyfriend slash high school bestfriend. i know, that by now, i would have been used to their kind of conversation. but as i sat there, staring out the car window, i asked myself... what am i doing here? i'm not supposed to be hearing this right now, and certainly not from them. when it comes to dealing with this, i wonder... is this how it feels like to be at the other end of the conversation? i never thought i'd live to see that moment. but then again, i was there. all the queerness of me was... and it was an experience i'm not willing to go through anytime soon. it certainly gave a new perspective to the phrase, riding in cars with boys...
They say Divas have attitude... well, do I?
"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart.
You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you.
And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"
Carrie, thanks for this one...
"You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it."
she's just full of wonders, that miss Bradshaw... from her... "Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
another Carrie-ism... "Later that day I got to thinking about fairy tales. What if Prince Charming had never shown up? Would Snow White have laid in that glass box forever? Or would she have gotten up, spit out the apple, gotten a job and a health care plan and moved on with her life?"
Carrie speaks her mind... "While women are certainly no strangers to faking it - we've faked our hair color, cup size, hell, we've even faked fur. I couldn't help but wonder, has fear of being alone suddenly raised the bar on faking? Are we faking more than orgasms? Are we faking entire relationships? Is it better to fake it than be alone?"
